Quickie jokes

[Starman]

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how people have been treating Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he has achieved. Winning seven Tour de France titles while taking drugs is a monumental feat.

When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

[CO-CO]

 

This is your Captain speaking;

 

 

 

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.  Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from  London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

 

   
Silence followed!

 


Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I  was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


 
One Aussie passenger yelled...
 
'For x's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[CO-CO]

One for Albert:-

[smoooth2]

A man goes into a retail store and approaches the perfume counter.

"I'll have that bottle of Chanel No5" he says. "It's for my wife's 60th birthday."

The pretty young salesgirl says "That's so nice ... it will be a big surprise."

He says "You bet it will be ....... she's expecting a cruise to Tahiti."
____________________________________________________________________

What's the difference between a washing machine and a woman ?

You can bung your load into a washing machine and it won't call you next week.

[urleft]

A Husband’s Ecstacy

He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth ...back and forth ...in and out ...in and out .....

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back,she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, then she moaned, softly at first, then louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted. “OK, OK! ... I CAN’T park the damn car!!!!

[Fish]

A guy was driving down the M6 with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that?" he said. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".

[CO-CO]

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.

However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.

 

Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

 

Getting a Hair dryer through Customs.

 

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest Beside her:

'Father, may I ask a favour?

 

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

 

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

 

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

 

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

 

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

 

The Customs officer asked:

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

 

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

 

The officer thought this answer strange, so asked:

'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

 

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

 

Roaring with laughter, the officer said:

'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[Speros]

WALKS INTO A BAR... FREE DRINKS

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

[Speros]

WALKS INTO A BAR... PORK PIE

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"

The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."

The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."

Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

[Speros]

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

[Starman]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

[dimple joe]

I didn't want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker; but when I got home, all the signs were there.....

[Somnat]

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their
shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

[Speros]

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

[Speros]

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''