Quickie jokes

[Adam]

But what contest is that, and where do I get tickets?

[binnsy]

 


A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing,
send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying,
send me your tears. I love you!”
The husband, being a normal man, replied,

"I am on the toilet, what should I do?”

 

[CO-CO]

true..

[smoooth2]

Did you press the wrong download button Co-Co ?  haha

What happened to the 2 old geezers sitting at the bar ? Is there a story about them ?

[CO-CO]

Did you press the wrong download button Co-Co ?  haha

What happened to the 2 old geezers sitting at the bar ? Is there a story about them ?

I was hoping nobody would notice that...... b4stard !   Here goes again:-




I pointed to two old drunks across the bar and said to my buddy,

"That'll  be us in ten years.





He said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead. "

[Speros]

DIRTY MEAL

A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant. In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.

He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirty meal," and walks out.

The waiter watches the guy go into a whorehouse. The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.

The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."

The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."

[Speros]

WALKS INTO A BAR... DRUNK DRY CLEANING

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"

"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."

[Speros]

WALKS INTO A BAR... HORSING AROUND

A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."

A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.

After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."

The man shouts, "You're on!"

After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"

The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

[Speros]

WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID SEX

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

[dimple joe]

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles today, my next crap could spell disaster.

[Speros]

LITTLE JOHNNY... SALESMAN

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

[Speros]

AFTER 69

Q: What comes after 69?

A: Mouthwash.

[Speros]

MEGASTORE, MEGASALE

The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman.
"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked.
"One," replied the new guy.
"Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?"
The salesman answered, "$58,334."
Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.
"First I sold a man a fishhook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV."
The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?"
"No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot. You should probably go fishing."

[urleft]

Q: How can you tell when an Irishman's drunk? (select the whitespace below with your mouse to see the answer)

A: I wouldn't know. I've never seen any other kind to identify the difference.

[urleft]

Wherever you find four Irishmen, you’ll find a fifth.