Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS


A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring
a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."


Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
 
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[TBWG]

We had power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.   Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
 
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
 
She seems nice...
 

[Freddy]

I'll have to try that.

[urleft]

I'll have to try that.

Talking to TBWG's wife for a couple of hours? 

[Freddy]

  Yep, and that!

[TBWG]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons
and laws of the church, by hand.


He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.



The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."
 


 

He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives,
in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
 


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
 
"We missed the 
R
 ! We missed the 
R
 !

We missed the bloody 
R
 !"
 
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
 
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
 
"The word was ....


CELEBRATE!"

[urleft]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we?re stoning her in the morning.

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She?s 25 and her name is Heather.

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting ?pedophile!? and other names at me, just because my wife is 21 and I?m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said ?Son, that?s three schools this year! You?d better stop before you?re banned from teaching altogether.?

A man calls 911 and says ?I think my wife is dead.? The operator says, ?How do you know?? The man says, ?The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, ?You obviously haven?t been listening.?

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I had to go down to Vinnies to get all her clothes back.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, ?We?d love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.?

If you get an email entitled, ?Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton?, don?t open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

[rufusredtail]

Three men were sentenced for a serious crime of murder ,and were sentenced to 20 years of imprisonment,the judge gave all three one last request before locking them up and throwing the keys away.

Upon asking the English man , he requested as many ladies as possible to be in his cell with him.

The second man from Italy, wanted as many crates of wine they could cram into his cell.

The third man from Ireland wanted 2500 cartons of cigarettes

After 20 years they opened the cell of the Englishman , he had shagged himself to death .


The Italian had died of poisoning, empty bottle still in his mouth.


As they were opening the door to the Irishman,s  cell he said    " Have you got a light mate "

[TBWG]

Members of a   Men?s Shed Group    were all handed a copy of Fifty shades of Grey.  Ted Roberts (author of Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure) said:   ?Thanks, it?ll come in handy when re-painting the house?
 All were asked to read it and return in a week with their comments.
Here?s a selection:

Bill Carruthers, 74
We tried various positions ? round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------
Nick Enwright, 86
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
?I?m yours for the night,? she gasped, ?You can do whatever you want with me.?
So I took her to Bunnings for the BBQ.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------------
Ted Roberts, 79
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73
Ever since she read THAT book, I?ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---
Jack Farthing, 78
?Put on this rubber suit and mask,? I instructed, calmly.
?Mmmm, kinky!? she purred.
?Yes,? I said, ?You can?t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----
John Hardcastle, 72
?I?m a very naughty girl,? she said,
biting her lip. ?I need to be punished.?
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
Colin Horrocks, 65
?Harder!? she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. ?Harder!?
?Okay,? I said. ?What?s the gross national product of Nicaragua??
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------
Malcolm Riddock, 75
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----
Allen Cardly, 74
?Are you sure you can take the pain?? she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
?I think so,? I gulped.
?Here we go, then,? she said, and showed me the receipt.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56
Hurt me!? she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
?Very well,? I replied. ?You?ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Nicholas Benchley, 53
?Are you sure you want this?? I asked.
?When I?m done, you won?t be able to sit down for weeks.? She nodded.
?Okay,? I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture for sale on eBay.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Toby Williams, 60
?Punish me!? she cried. ?Make me suffer like only a real man can!?
?Very well,? I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

[TBWG]

Hell
Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
 
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil in forms him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
 

[BillH52]

They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ...
They're not happy in Afghanistan ...
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ...

SO.. WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia ..
They're happy in Canada ..
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland ..
They're happy in Denmark ..

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN !

AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How frigging dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some bloke in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother-in-law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkeys
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
- Then they tell them that "when they die, it all gets better"

Well No Shit Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse!

[TBWG]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
 
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!?

[TBWG]

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
> white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30
> minutes.
> I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
 
>
> Just had my water bill of ?175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam
> can supply a whole African village for just ?2 a month: time to change
> supplier I think.
>
>
> Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
> they tested positive for WD40.
>
>
> A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ....
> Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
>
>

[TBWG]

The Umbrella - A Touching Story
 
On a rainy afternoon, a group of protesters were gathered outside the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
There was an elderly woman behind me, and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing voice said, "Don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a naive, iignorant, self-centered bimbo like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country, and if you touch me again, I'll shove this umbrella up your ass and open it."
 
Kinda brings a tear to your eye doesn?t it?
 
 
 

[TBWG]

THESE REALLY WORK!! 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1 AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: