Ring any bells?

[smoooth2]

Fantastic News from Social Security concerning Pensions and Benefits


نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
 ما نقش سايه  دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
 نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه  دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا

نيست نقش
If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

 

 

TBWG ... Thanks for the post. Now, I'm sure it kept some of us amused and diving for the translator ... but I've missed the point of your post completely

I just knew that reading Hustler during the Persian language & culture lessons in High School was going to come back and bite me one day !!

Perhaps it's a coded message to the 1000's of Persian expats living quietly in Buriram ... now is the time to rise up and underwhelm the locals !!

Or is it just simply a message that Makro has Pydanst Masayh's on special this week ??

I eagerly await your reply. My curiosity bubbleth over.

My Persian is a little rusty, but my Swahili is fine.

[TBWG]

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell
of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife.
When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an
important part of myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make
a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

I tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles
up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
 

[TBWG]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking
deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
 
 

[JimNasium]

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

"Almost but not as much as shuttlecock."

[Speros]

WALKS INTO A BAR... MONKEY EATS EVERYTHING

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[Speros]

WALKS INTO A BAR... THREE TESTS

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

[smoooth2]

When Women Say ... she's really thinking

Yes ... No
No ... Yes
I'm sorry ... You'll be sorry
We need ... I want
Up to you ... The decision I want you to make should be blindingly obvious to you by now
Do whatever you want ... You'll pay for it later
We need to talk ... I need to complain
Sure, go ahead ... You'd better not if you know what's good for you
I'm NOT upset ... Of course I'm upset, you idiot
You're so manly ... You need a shave and a shower
Be romantic, turn off the lights ... I have flabby bits
This kitchen is so inconvenient ... I want a new house
I'd like new curtains ... And a new bed, furniture, big screen TV, carpets
I just heard a noise ... I just noticed you had fallen asleep
Do you love me ? ... I'm going to ask you for something expensive
How much do you love me ? ... I did something today that you're not going to like
You have to learn to communicate ... Just agree with me
I'll be ready in a minute ... I'll be ready in 10 minutes
TGF I'll be ready at 6pm ... I'll be ready anywhere between 6.15pm and 7.15pm

When Men Say ... he's really thinking

I'm hungry ... I'm hungry
I'm tired ... I'm tired
Do you want to go out to see a movie ? ... I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner ? ... I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime ? ... I'd like to have sex with you
May I have this dance ? ... I'd like to have sex with you
Nice dress ... Nice cleavage
You look tense, you want my famous massage ? ... I'd like to have sex with you
You look upset, what's wrong ? ... What stupid, self inflicted, psychological drama is it this time
I'm bored ... Do you want to have sex ?
I love you ... Do you want to have sex ?
I love you too ... OK, I said it, now can we have sex ?
Of course I don't mind that you've gained a few extra kgs ... I'm such a liar
Yes, I like your new hairstyle ... I like the old one much better
Those flat sandals and knee length dress look nice ... So wish it was the 4" stilettos and red mini
I don't think that ruffled chiffon top and plaid pleted skirt go together ... I'm so gay

[TBWG]

    Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing
on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot
a rescue boat coming...
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe
my eyes.
There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've
finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face
up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered,
yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been
on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long,
long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer.
 
 

[TBWG]

 

Old Sailor & the Working Girl


An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots? he asks.. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.
 

[TBWG]

 Wow this thread now has over 50,000 views so I look forward to my award from Admin.

Or another way of looking at it is that there is an awful lot of farangs sitting about with a lot of spare time on their hands!

Whatever keep it up!


TBWG

[TBWG]

 "I'm 74 and Tired" Worth reading... By Bill Cosby

This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in Jamaica,
the UK , United States of America , Canada , Australia and New Zealand   
 
"I'm 74 and I'm Tired"

I'm 74. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National
Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some serious
health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly
40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my
income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as
though retirement was a bad idea, and  I'm tired. Very tired. 

I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who
don't have my work ethic.. I'm tired of being told the government will take
the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy
to earn it.     
 
I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global
warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help
support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ
rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses
or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?

I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all
parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful
mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting
caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor. 

I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and
actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination
or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and
early 20's and even 40’s be-deck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making
themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.

Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 74. Because, mostly, I'm not
going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for
my granddaughter and her children.   Thank God I'm on the way out and not
on the way in.


There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us
sends it on!

[TBWG]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
--
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that could completely acquit him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints.
--
Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend.

Proof that even a man with no legs has a better shot than any Bafana Bafana striker.
--
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
--
I guess Oscar Pistorius just got cold feet about the relationship
--
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
--
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who would have thought he meant OJ Simpson?
--
What did Oscar Pistorius get for Valentine's day?... 20 years.
--
Shame about Oscar Pistorius the man had the world at his knees.
--
It must have been dark when Oscar Pitorius shot his girlfriend. He said he could not see two feet in front of him
--
And the Oscar goes to .......(drumroll)...... JAIL
--
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
--
A young woman is dead and the up and coming athlete Oscar Pistorious' life is ruined and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... I mean pathetic.
--
Oscar Pistorius 'shoots girlfriend' This is the sort of behaviour from celebrities that we need to stump out.
--
Just like every other intruder in South Africa, Reeva Steenkamp was blonde, white and beautiful. It's an easy mistake.
--
Well, at least someone’s Valentine started off with a bang !!
--
Take your marks, get set .....BANG
--
Oscar will be pleading diminished responsibility. He was intoxicated & legless
 
 
 

 

[urleft]

Bill says he didn't write it:

http://billcosby.com/2011/09/if-you-got-the-bogus-email-its-time-to-hit-delete/

 "I'm 74 and Tired" Worth reading... By Bill Cosby

This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in Jamaica,
the UK , United States of America , Canada , Australia and New Zealand   
 
"I'm 74 and I'm Tired"

I'm 74. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National
Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some serious
health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly
40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my
income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as
though retirement was a bad idea, and  I'm tired. Very tired. 

I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who
don't have my work ethic.. I'm tired of being told the government will take
the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy
to earn it.     
 
I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global
warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help
support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ
rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses
or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?

I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all
parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful
mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting
caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor. 

I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and
actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination
or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and
early 20's and even 40’s be-deck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making
themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.

Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 74. Because, mostly, I'm not
going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for
my granddaughter and her children.   Thank God I'm on the way out and not
on the way in.


There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us
sends it on!

[TBWG]

Subject: Paddy

Paddy goes into Wetherspoons and asks how much are the cocktails?
 
The Barman says, "£4 a glass and £10 for a Pitcher"

Paddy replied  "I'll have a glass, x the photo!"

 

[TBWG]

635 Employees

Thought you might find this interesting ......

I bet this will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

Can you imagine working for a company that only has a little more than 635 employees, but has the following Employee Statistics.

29 have been accused of spouse abuse,
7 have been arrested for fraud,
9 have been accused of writing bad cheques,
17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses,
3 have done time for assault,
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit,
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges,
8 have been arrested for shoplifting,
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits,
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year,

And collectively, this year alone, they have cost the British tax payer £92,993,748 in expenses!

Which organisation is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons.

The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

What a bunch of crooks we have running our country - it says it all..

And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country - whilst trying to ensure that everyone

else has the worst possible !