Ring any bells?

[urleft]

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us ***seniors*** a little clearer!

[urleft]

I was working on my computer and as usual I could not get it to function correctly.  So I gave up and called the whiz kid next door.

He came over, hit a few keys and my system was back on line.  "Wow, what did you do?"

He said, "It was an 'ID Ten T' error."

"How do I keep it from happening again?"  I asked.

He just smiled at me, "Just type out 'ID Ten T', eventually it will come to you."  And he left.

So I started typing 'ID Ten T', and then tried it a diffent way:  ID10T 

The little Smartass   
 


\

[TBWG]

INVITATION

I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm

If you can't come let me know
 

[TBWG]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.


Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

[urleft]

"I'm sorry love, but do you take it up the arse? Or can you just swallow it?" I asked this fit bird down the drug store.

"Can you x off you creep?!" she yelled back, "I'm sick of men like you thinking we're so easy."

"Listen miss can you calm the x down and tell me how I'm supposed to take these suppositories you've just sold me?" I replied

[Beer Leo]

 
 
 
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!"

 

[Hank Marvin]

Urleft u must be a yankie doodle just a guess

[urleft]

Urleft u must be a yankie doodle just a guess

If you mean an American, yup.  But I am not a "Yankie Doodle Dandy born on the 4th of July." 

Cheers.

[TBWG]

In an Australian rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was sent out to try and seek an explanation for Mad Cow disease. She arranged an interview with a farmer who may have theories on the matter to try and find an answer.

The interview went as follows:

Lady reporter:   I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.  Can you offer any reason for this disease?

    The farmer stared at the reporter and said.
   Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter:  Well, sir, I have to admit that I was not aware of this fact (obviously embarrassed), but what's that got to do with Mad Cow disease?

    Farmer:  Well, madam, do you know that cows get milked twice a day?

Reporter: Yes Sir, but what's the point?

   Farmer:  I am getting to the point, madam.  Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad?

THE INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED...

[urleft]

Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British.

Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit, eventually becoming so notorious that the Pope himself summoned him to Rome for an audience.

"Father," said the Pope,
"I want to see peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again."

"But Your Holiness, I ... I ... " the priest stammered.

"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there'll be trouble!"

"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it."

The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon.

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said,
"And one of you shall betray Me."

The priest continues:
"Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I, Lord?' and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin', it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.'

Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries,
'Is it I, Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.'

"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says,
'Cor blimey, mate. You fink it's me?'"

[TBWG]

They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.


"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!

 
"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse....."

 

[urleft]

In church, while reverently preparing for the service, I heard a sweet little old lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispering a prayer.

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you. She said,



"Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze,
my favorite musician Michael Jackson,
my favorite salesman Billy Mays,
my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor,
my favorite singer Whitney Houston,
and, now, my favorite announcer Dick Clark.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politician is Barack Obama.
Amen."

[urleft]

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,

"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

[urleft]

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.


Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.


Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.


Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'...slip in to the old bag.


Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.


And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.


Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.


Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

[urleft]

For us Large individuals:




I forgot to go to the gym yesterday.
That's ten years in a row.


I started hanging out with this American the other day...not by choice though, I got pulled into his orbit.


I overheard a lady ordering in McDonald's.
"That's an interesting accent," I said.
"Oh, I'm from Texas," she replied.
"I bet you get that all the time, don't you?"
"Not really, I've been living here for a few years."
"I was actually referring to your large Big Mac meal, you fat bitch."


After queuing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week, I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said, "I'm really sorry about your wait."
In a rattled state, I replied, "You're not so fucking skinny yourself, actually."



I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice."


Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk but McDonald's continue serving the fat fuckers? It's hardly fair.


I find all these obese jokes horrible.
Don't you think they have enough on their plate?


I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.
"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.
"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.

"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."


I shagged a fat bird last night.
Its amazing what you will do to an oven ready turkey when you are pissed.


I've just seen an advert in the lonely hearts column, "I'm a curvy girl with a bubbly personality."
Yeah, the only thing bubbly about you is the Aero in your back pocket, you fat bitch.


Dear crisp eater,
We'll start making full bags when you can button your trousers up, you fat x.
Kind regards,

Walkers.


I picked up this woman Saturday night. I'm not saying she's fat, but when I pulled her knickers down to her knees, her ass was still in them.


I was chatting up a bird online earlier.She said, "I'm curvy, voluptuous and cuddly".

I said, "and I'm not stupid, fatty".


A guy is shagging his overweight missus when his phone rings.
"You'll have to phone back, mate," he says. "I'm in the tub."


I was telling my mate I had to dump my girlfriend now she was 16.
I carried on, "When we first got together she was 8."
He said, "You dirty fucking pervert. People like you should be locked up. I can't believe what you are telling me."
I said, "Mate, dress size is important."


On Yahoo answers I saw: 'What would Jesus do if he were an American citizen today?'
So I wrote...
...Perform the miracle of feeding FIVE people with only 5,000 Loaves and Fishes.


I was in a club the other night when I saw this fat fucking bitch standing by herself. I went over to the bar, bought 2 beers, walked over to her and handed her one, saying 'Happy birthday'.
She looked at me funny and said, "It's not my birthday."
I looked her up and down and whispered in her ear, "Then stop eating cake, you fat cunt."


A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.
"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"
"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."


Lying in bed with the wife last night.
"I'm wide awake, babe," she said seductively.
"You're also wide in your sleep, fatty," I replied.


I was sitting in the pub the other day.
This nice looking bird walks up, takes a look at my beer belly and asks, "Is that Carlsberg or Tetleys?"
I told her, "There is a tap underneath, help yourself."


I was waiting at the bus stop when a fat woman waddled up.
"When's it due, love?" I asked.
"You cheeky bastard!" she spat.
"The bus, chubby," I said. "Who'd want to x you?"


I got chatting to a really fat bird down the pub. She was delighted when I invited her back to my place.
"This is Fay," I said to the kids when we arrived. "I've brought her here today to show you the dangers of fast foods and binge eating."


I love shagging fat birds.
You are always guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning.


I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park.
She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.
"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf . "You'll be losing those pounds before you know it."
"My fucking scarf's trapped in the door, you cunt," she replied.


What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After dinner!