Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

It  has been determined, the most used sexual position for married  couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and  begs..

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[Vombatus]

How to make a woman happy:-


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

[Vombatus]

It's been one of those days.


 
Went to the swimming pool got bored so decided to have a pee in the deep end.



 
The lifeguard must have noticed as he blew his so loud I fell in.


 
I tell you it not been a good day so far.
 
Hope your day is going a little better.

[urleft]

PUNS

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[TBWG]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on
> a long flight.
>
>
> The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could
> get one over on them easily.
> So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
> The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
> declines and tries to
> catch a few winks.
> The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun....
> "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay
> me only $5.00.
> Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
> you $500.00," he says.
> This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer
> quiet, he agrees to play the game.
> The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance
> from the Earth to the Moon?"
> The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket,
> pulls out a five-dollar bill,
> and hands it to the lawyer.
> Now, it's the senior's turn.  He asks the lawyer, "What
> goes up a hill with three legs,
> and comes down with four?"
> The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find
> on the Net.
>
> He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
> After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
> He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.  The senior
> pockets the $500.00 and
> goes right back to sleep.
> The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.  He wakes
> the senior up and asks,
> "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
> with four?"
>
> The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and
> goes back to sleep.

[TBWG]

What has caused more long term destruction -
the  Hiroshima A-bomb,
or
Government welfare programs created to buy the
votes of those who want someone to take care of them?

Japan does not have a welfare system.

Work for it or do without.


These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

[TBWG]

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get  through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.


A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

 You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park......."  Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,

"I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"


Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that all Scotsmen who are married to blondes always exhibit,

 the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
 

[smithy99]

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) spoiled Neanderthal child & courageous cougar
2) child of a sorceress & liquid in a trench
3) milk and cheese & fops who are imaginary beings with magical powers
4) fondle feathers & Amsterdam

[TBWG]

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) spoiled Neanderthal child & courageous cougar
2) child of a sorceress & liquid in a trench
3) milk and cheese & fops who are imaginary beings with magical powers
4) fondle feathers & Amsterdam

Is No 4 Touch down & Dutch town ?

No idea on others!

TBWG

[TBWG]

            Polish Joke


            The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

            A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

            The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
             
            The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

            The judge stops and says to the Pollock in the back of the courtroom,

            Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

            The Pollock in the back of the court stands up and says,

            "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that Asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

     

[TBWG]

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
 
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one ...."

 

[smithy99]

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) spoiled Neanderthal child & courageous cougar
2) child of a sorceress & liquid in a trench
3) milk and cheese & fops who are imaginary beings with magical powers
4) fondle feathers & Amsterdam

Is No 4 Touch down & Dutch town ?

No idea on others!

TBWG

1# cave brat & brave cat
2#  witch daughter & ditch water
3# dairy foods & fairy dudes
4# touch down & Dutch town

[urleft]

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) spoiled Neanderthal child & courageous cougar
2) child of a sorceress & liquid in a trench
3) milk and cheese & fops who are imaginary beings with magical powers
4) fondle feathers & Amsterdam

Is No 4 Touch down & Dutch town ?

No idea on others!

TBWG

1# cave brat & brave cat
2#  witch daughter & ditch water
3# dairy foods & fairy dudes
4# touch down & Dutch town

Difference between a pigmay tribe and woman's track team.

One is a cunning bunch of runts. 

[urleft]

A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[TBWG]

You think you have lived to be 83 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all away!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.  She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?'

He replied,  "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans.... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I  shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I  think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but ............I just found out I'm a lesbian."