Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.

Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC



Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.
 The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO



No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her shit.

Men ' s Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC



=0 A
It's hard to make a comeback
When you haven't been anywhere.

Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ


Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!

Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT



If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .



If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!

Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC



Express Lane:
Five beers or less.

Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ



You're too good for him..

Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA



No wonder you always go home alone.

Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA



~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it.
 Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
0A


HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die...
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE
FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED



Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing
The same thing to them at funerals..

[TBWG]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
 
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.


 
The blonde looked at Bob  and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
 
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
 
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
 
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"


 
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
 
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."


 
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
 
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
 
Bob took the money.

[TBWG]

10 years ago Bob Hope died
 

5 years ago Johnny Cash died
 
A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died
 
A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died
 
Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It


Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls!

[TBWG]

Courtesy of John the Traveller!


> After making love...The Italian says :
> 'When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down an
>> gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches above a da bed
>> in ecstasy'.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The Frenchman replies:
>> 'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze
>> girlfriend,
>> Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet
>> wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy'.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The Aussie says:
>> 'Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin me missus, I get out
>> of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my willy on the curtains.
>> And MATE ......
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> She hits the f*****n' roof.'

[TBWG]

THE PROMISED LAND

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your
shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."
Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your
asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."
Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't
realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent
my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "merchant bankers" and increased Vat
to 20%.

I am so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a
call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and
asked if I could drive a truck.
 

[TBWG]

         

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND!

A woman was in a coma and had been  for some months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. 

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and told him what happened, telling him,  'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little  'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'


The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
 
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat.

The nurses run back into the room.  'What happened!?' they cried.
 
   
 
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked!?'
 
   
 
 
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

       

[urleft]

There's been a murder,
a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub,
partially filled.

A pair of policemen
went into the house
and thoroughly questioned
the poor woman's spouse.

He'd just come home
from working all night
and found her like that,
a terrible sight.

The younger policeman
looked on with dismay.
He'd never forget
that terrible day.

He saw the young woman
from behind the door
and empty milk cartons
all over the floor,

scattered strawberries,
slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar
and honey to boot.

"Who could have done
this terrible thing?"
His voice had a horrified,
pitiful ring.

"Just look at the clues,"
replied Sargeant Miller.
"It looks like the work
of a Cereal Killer."

[TBWG]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:
 
1 An old lady who looks as if she is about to die
 
2 An old friend who once saved your life
 
3 The perfect partner you have been dreaming about and haven’t seen for years.
 
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?  Think before you continue reading.
 
This is amoral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.  You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.  Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.  However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
 
YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS ……………
 
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.  He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.  I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”
 
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
 
Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box”.
 
HOWEVER …. The correct answer is run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because  NHS won’t now pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
 
I just love happy endings!

[urleft]

Woman - "Can I drive?"

Man - "No, I'm fine."

Woman - "Oh, please let me. I really want to!"

Man - "No!"

Woman - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, I'll give you a blow job."

Man - "Really?"

Woman - "Promise!"

Man - "Oh go on then..."

"And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Cruise Liner Costa Concordia."

[TBWG]

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

KEEP READING.......................................


REMEMBER WHEN:
All the girls had ugly gym slips



It took five minutes for the TV to warm up

Nearly everyone's Mum was home when the kids got home from school

Nobody owned a purebred dog


You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny


Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces



All male teachers wore ties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels



You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked and petrol served, without asking, all for free, every time..



It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant
With your parents


They threatened to keep children back a year if they failed the school year. . .. And
They did!


When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car...
And people went steady

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car,
In the ignition, and the doors were never locked


Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles?


Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the rules of the game


Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals
Because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger


And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip back in time
And savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?


When being sent to the headmasters office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home


Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc.Our parents and grandparents werea much bigger threat!But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket, Hula Hoops, skating and visits
To the pool, eating lemonade powder or liquorice sticks.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember that'?



I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a Double Dare to pass it on. To remember what a Double Dare is, read on, and remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.

Send this on to someone who can stillremember the Lone Ranger and Sgt Bilko


How Many Of These Do You Remember?

Blackjacks and bubble gums.
   

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops


Hi-FI's & 45 RPM records.


78 RPM records!


Adding Machines.


Scalextric.


Do You Remember a Time When..
Decisions were made by going 'Eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching tadpoles could happily occupy an entire day?


It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was'chickenpox'?


Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Catapult ?

(we used unwind the core of Golf balls for the elastic!)

War was a card game?


Cigarette cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?


Taking drugs meant orange - flavoured chewable aspirin?


Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!

[urleft]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a scouser. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, "I've never seen you react like that.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Scouser replied.. "Something about a job."

[aparasher]

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops

<And, I would run to be the 1st one to open the bottle to lick the butter off of tinfoil cap>

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

<Or, filled condoms which were hard to get as nobody dared to ask the chemist for a pack....LOL>

Oh!!! stop teasing TBWG. Reminds me of good ole' days.....

[urleft]

My nine-year-old son told me a girl at school was yelling at him and he just sat there wondering what he did wrong.

I think he's ready for marriage.

[TBWG]

An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Brilliant !!

         

         

            Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

            - Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

            - Why the early bird gets the worm;

            - Life isn't always fair;

            - and maybe it was my fault.

           

            Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

           

            His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

           

            Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

           

            It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

           

            Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

           

            Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

           

            Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

           

            Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

           

            He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

            I Know My Rights

            I Want It Now

            Someone Else Is To Blame

            I'm A Victim

           

            Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[TBWG]

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent.................................12 Calories

Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands.................................. 8 Calories

With one hand....................................12 Calories

With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection..................................6 Calories

Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary...................................12 Calories

69 lying down...............................78 Calories

69 standing up..............................812 Calories

Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories

Doggy Style..................................326 Calories

Italian Chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:

Real........................................112 Calories

Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories

Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

18-29 years......................................36 Calories

30-39 years......................................80 Calories

40-49 years.....................................124 Calories

50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories

60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories

70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS

Calmly..........................................32 Calories

In a hurry.......................................98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories

With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.