Ring any bells?

[urleft]

A man goes into a bar and asks for 2 double martinis. "Wow," the bartender says, "it's only 2:00. You must have had a really bad day."

"Yeah," the man replies. "First I had an accident on the way to work that made me 2 hours late for a meeting with an important client. Then my boss fired me for being late. So I went home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. I told her I was leaving her, packed my bags, and came here."

"That is pretty bad," says the bartender. "What did you say to your best friend?"

"Bad dog!"

[TBWG]

            Why we are in DEEP trouble...


            The population of the UK is

            Approximately 60 million.


            32 million are retired.


            That leaves 28 million to do the work.



            There are 17 million in school or at Universities.



            Which leaves 11 million to do the work.


            Of this there are 8 million employed by the   UK government.



            Leaving 3 million to do the work.




            1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama         Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan .



            Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.




            Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.






            At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.



            Leaving 512,000 to do the work.





            Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.





            That leaves just two people to do the work.




            You and me.




            And there you are,




            Sitting on your ass,




            At your computer, reading jokes.



            Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

 

[TBWG]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night ...
 
 
I told her I was looking for cheap flights ...
 
"I love you!" she cried, then got all excited, unzipped my trousers and we had the most amazing sex ever!
 
Strange that - she's never shown any interest in darts before!
 
 

[urleft]

A man walked into a bar at 7 am and said "Give me a double scotch".

The bartender looked at him saying, "That's pretty strong for the top of the morning."

'Well", the guy replied, "I just had my first blowjob."

The Bartenter said "In that case let me make it a triple."

The guy thought as said, "Naw, if a double won't clear the taste neither will a triple."

[Tonyc]

A man walked into a bar at 7 am and said "Give me a double scotch".

The bartender looked at him saying, "That's pretty strong for the top of the morning."

'Well", the guy replied, "I just had my first blowjob."

The Bartenter said "In that case let me make it a triple."

The guy thought as said, "Naw, if a double won't clear the taste neither will a triple."

Nookie recommends Chang Export 

[TBWG]

> Five Rules to Remember in Life
> 1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
> 2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.
> 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
> 4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
> 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk

[urleft]

Quasimodo wanted to go on vacation, but he needed someone to take over ringing the Cathedral Bell, so he put an advertisement in the paper.  The next day a just before noon an armless dwarf shows up wanting the job.

Quasimodo asked if the guy could really do the job, to which the dwarf affirmed he could.

“Well, it’s noon, go ahead and ring the bell.” 

The dwarf took a few steps back and ran full speed, face first into the bell.  The bell rang loudly surprising Quasimodo.  The dwarf continued to run face first to ring the bell.  However, after the seventh ring, the dwarf got wobbly.  And got worse for the next few rings until he started for the tenth ring and completely missed his run at the bell causing him to fly out of the bell tower and fall to the ground.

Quasimodo hurried to the ground where the local constable was already on the scene standing over the dead dwarf.

“Do you know who he was?”  Asked the constable.

To which Quasimodo replied, “No, but his face rings a bell.” 

[urleft]

However, Quasimodo still needed a temporary replacement, so he kept the advertisement in the paper.  Just before noon, another armless dwarf can to apply for the job. 

“You look just like the guy from yesterday.”  Stated Quasimodo.

“Yes, he was my brother.”  Replied the dwarf.

“Well, it is noon, let’s see you ring the bell.” 

The dwarf did the same as the one before running face first into the bell, and causing it ring.  He continued, got wobbly, and as with his twin, missed the bell and ran out of the bell tower opening. 

Quasimodo hurried downstairs and encountered the same constable standing over the dwarf.  “I don’t suppose you know who this guy is either?”

“No,” replied Quasimodo, “but he is a dead ringer for his brother.”

[urleft]

It was a long few days for Quasimodo and he was glad to get home.  When he opened the door he saw his wife had the Wok out.

"We having Chineese food tonight?" He asked.

She replied, "No, I am ironing your shirts."

[urleft]

saw this on-line, thought some others here might have better in-sight:



I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."

"You crafty cunt!" said the fairy.

[TBWG]

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though, he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind

[TBWG]

 A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches a French woman sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?"

 

 "No thank you," the women replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

 

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

 

"No, they spread."

 

 

[TBWG]

     A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

     "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

     "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

     "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

     "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

     "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

     "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

     "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

     "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

     "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

     "Husband # 9 was a Gynacologist; all he did was look at it.

     "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it.....
     " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

     "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
     
    "You're with the

    "GOVERNMENT"   This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."     

 

 

 

 

 

[TBWG]

The Italian Lover

 

 

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."


Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping, turns his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond, whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian".


 

[TBWG]

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed
a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding
salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how
much the Rabbi's additional children were costing the synagogue, and
how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his
chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us.'

Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the shul, little old
Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers.

The entire congregation said, AMEN