Ring any bells?

[urleft]

The Biker and The Kiss

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw
a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a
big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive,...

he didn't want to miss an opportunity so ...he asked

"Well, before you jump,

why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished,

the biker says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had.

That's a real talent you are wasting.

You could be famous.

Why are you committing suicide?"
.

.

.




"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

[urleft]

The Female Marine Instructor

Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station,) Yuma, a female
Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to
provide a full hour's instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities
to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism
about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was
suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She
said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new " Bitching
Betty." However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason
given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern
revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male
homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were
wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

[TBWG]

Hi Bums

Check this out before ADMIN pulls it!  My new Crash helmet!

TBWG

[TBWG]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking
her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost . Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch..
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! ",
says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. S o off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!

Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and
experience.

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be
five fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of us are old, some are just more
youthfully challenged.

[TBWG]

Tolerance

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Auckland.

I think it should be the goal of every New Zealander to be tolerant.

Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
 
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ",  and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher's shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.
 
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop: "Koranal Knowledge "; its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
 
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on..
 

 

[TBWG]

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear............

 

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

 

[urleft]

Trying to put it in perspective for all you Brits.


Every Young Girls Dream:

[TBWG]

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

A  woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.



On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper.



Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am



'About 32,' is the reply.'



'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.



A little while later she goes into Big C and asks the counter girl the very same question.



The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'



The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'



Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street.



She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.



The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'



Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'



While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.



He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.



It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.



Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'



They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.



She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'



He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.



He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.



He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.



After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'



He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'



Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'



The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'



'I promise I won't' she says.



'I was behind you at Big C.

[urleft]

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole , just fishing quietly and drinking beer .

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish , Bob says, 'I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Frank continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says ,

'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'

[jeff]

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole , just fishing quietly and drinking beer .

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish , Bob says, 'I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Frank continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says ,

'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'

Truer to life than not!!!

[aparasher]

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole , just fishing quietly and drinking beer .

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish , Bob says, 'I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Frank continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says ,

'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'

Truer to life than not!!!

That's why it's a good joke....

[urleft]

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

**********************

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Federal Parliament has decided to implement a scheme to put workers
of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating
jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be considered
for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the
government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants
& Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always
prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to
the attention of your local member of parliament, who has been trained to
give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E..V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the
Tunnel has been turned off.
 

[Daft Ada]

.

[urleft]

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

[TBWG]

 

 

 

 

 

RETIREMENT  BONUS



The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two
points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would
be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out
with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied,


'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing
the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,


''Where are your testicles?''


The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.