Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

A man and his wife, moved back home to Louisville, KY from Cleveland, Ohio..

The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000
per year!



When they arrived in Kentucky, they went to an insurance agency to see how
much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.



The agent looked it up on the computer and said: $39.00.



The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Louisville to
insure it because it cost him $2000 in Cleveland!



The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a
sprinkler system above it, is $39.00.. You just have to know how to describe it!

[TBWG]

  NO SPEAKA DA ENGLISH


A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
 
 

[TBWG]

Florida
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passer-by studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passer-by asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
 

[TBWG]

Died of Natural Causes

Looks like Florida has a sheriff like Arizona has . . .

Polk County Florida Sheriff –

"You kill a policeman it means no arrest...no Miranda rights... no negotiations...nothing but as many bullets as we can shoot into you...PERIOD."



POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF, GRADY JUDD


An illegal alien, in Polk County , Florida , who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what??
The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE ever) . . .."When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."

[urleft]

How do you get along with someone in the South?

You complement their Tooth.   

Understand this also works for Brits. 

[Adam]

  Change your bait 

[JasonB]

Why change the bait?? NOOKIE doesn't appear to be around at the moment

[JasonB]

TBWG,LOVE the the one about the two Italians Mate

[TBWG]

 Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat
 
While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.

He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie.

This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,

"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the

sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!

Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[urleft]

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when  he was shot dead by the woman's husband!
 ------------------------------------
 
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to  Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
 ---------------------------------------
 
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production  of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
 ----------------------------------------
 
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you  are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
 The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
 ------------------------------------------
 
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the  head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than 
 "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
 The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
 ----------------------------------------
 
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
 It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed..
 The police are blaming AL IKEA ..
 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says  "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says:  "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
 "Bollocks to that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"
 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Speros]

WHAT THEY SAY AT YOUR FUNERAL

Three friends die in a car accident and attend an orientation in Heaven. An angel asks, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a loving family man."

The second guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a caring husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference to kids."

The last guy says, "I would like them to say -- LOOK, he's moving!"

[TBWG]

I'll be waiting on the porch !
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed that it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

[TBWG]

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today .' He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later,'
She did, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without. 
Send extra sauce.

[TBWG]

Two businessmen in a new shopping mall.....



Were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...



As yet, the shop wasn't ready,
With only a few shelves set up.



One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now some pensioner
Is going to walk by, put their face to the window,
And ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth
When, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window,
Had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,


"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,  "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,  “Must be doing well...      Only two left!."
Lesson here: Don't mess with old people ! ! !

[Speros]

THE SEVEN DWARVES GO TO ROME

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"