Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

Love Old Women

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUTT?

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
 

[TBWG]

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.



The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'



The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant,
'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'


The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?'

 
The little boy admitted that she did.



Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.



Now, let your mother explain that to you!


[CO-CO]

Another perspective:-

[TBWG]

Like it,

[TBWG]

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was recently treated, he has lost all interest in sex.

 

A hospital spokesman replied –

 

“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- All we did was correct his eyesight.”

 

[TBWG]

Proud to be White!
I have been wondering about why onlyWhites are racists,
and no other race is... ??

Proud to be White

Michael Richards makes his point...

Michael Richards better known as Kramer
from TVs' Seinfeld does make a good point.
This was his defence speech in court
after making racial comments in his comedy act.
In it he raised a few interesting points...

Someone finally said it!
But how many are actually paying attention to this?

In America, there are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans,
Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans...
You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.

You call me 'White boy', 'Cracker', 'Honkey', 'Whitey', 'Caveman'...
And that's OK...
But when I call you Nigger, Kike,
Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink...
You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you...
So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live in?

You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah.
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP.
You have BET...

Imagine if we had WET
(White Entertainment Television)...
we'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day,
you would call us racists.

If we had White History Month,
we'd be racists.

If we had any organization for whites only to 'advance' OUR lives,
we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce,
and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that???

A white woman could not be in the
Miss Black American pageant,
but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships...
You know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed
Black Colleges in the US ....
Yet if there were 'White colleges',
that would be a racist college.

In the Million Men March,
you believed that you were marching for your race and rights.
If we marched for our race and rights,
you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange,
and you're not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride,
you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us.
But,
when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud...
But you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists???

There is nothing improper
about this e-mail...
But let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on.
I sadly don't think many will.

That's why
we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS
in this country.
We won't stand up for ourselves!

BE PROUD
TO BE WHITE!

It's not a crime YET...
But getting very close!


   

[TBWG]

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.larke

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American
should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.
 
 
 

[urleft]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new “pickup!’

‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!

[urleft]

From the US:


THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC! PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!

[TBWG]

LOOK AFTER YOUR WOMAN.....

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Sheila from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me, "You lazy prick! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat arse and give her a break!"

I thought 'Shit women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to sod off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.

After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I'm really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives... then maybe they'll take good care of us.

I've attached a picture below...hope it comes through OK

[urleft]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Redneck?




Here is a little test that will help you decide



You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'

Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist !

[TBWG]

Interesting puzzle

 
You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


See answer below



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 









Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

[TBWG]

"Any  man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the
government  take care of him--- better take a closer look at the American  Indian."
Henry  Ford

[TBWG]

.

[Antonio]

If you kill yourself , it's called suicide .
If you kill someone , it's called homicide .
If you kill thousands , it's called genocide .
If you kill the King , it's called regicide .
If you kill your brother , it's called fratricide .
And , if you have 2 Premier League teams , and neither have won the League for over 20 years.



It's called Merseyside.