Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

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[TBWG]

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[TBWG]

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Putin's speech on Feb.04, 2013

This is one time I would recommend to our elected leaders, that they pay attention to the advice of Vladimir Putin....how scary is that? Spread the word and pass this on, and on, and on.


On February 4th, 2013, Vladimir Putin, the Russian president, addressed the Duma, (Russian Parliament), and gave a speech about the tensions with minorities in Russia:


"In Russia live Russians. Any minority, from anywhere, if it wants to live in Russia, to work and eat in Russia, should speak Russian, and should respect the Russian laws. If they prefer Sharia Law, then we advise them to go to those places where that's the state law. Russia does not need minorities. Minorities need Russia, and we will not grant them special privileges, or try to change our laws to fit their desires, no matter how loud they yell 'discrimination'. We better learn from the suicides of America, England, Holland and France, if we are to survive as a nation. The Russian customs and traditions are not compatible with the lack of culture or the primitive ways of most minorities. When this honorable legislative body thinks of creating new laws, it should have in mind the national interest first, observing that the minorities are not Russians.

The politicians in the Duma gave Putin a standing ovation for five minutes.

[TBWG]

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never
looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for a special
anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But, now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years
you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you
have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and
redeemed them for cash."

[TBWG]

-  Do you speak English?

- Yes!

-  Name?

- Abdul al-Rhazib.

- Sex?

- Three to five  times a week.

- No, no...I mean male or female?

- Yes,  male, female, sometimes camel.

- Holy cow!

- Yes, cow,  sheep, animals in general.

- But isn't that hostile?

-  Horse style, doggy style, any style!

- Oh dear!

- No,  no! Deer run too  fast...

 

[TBWG]

Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Lowe's

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house ... Mowing
the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.  You know the outfit -- shorts with the
hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an
old pair of tennis shoes.  Right in the middle of this great home
improvement project you realize you need to run to Lowe's to get something
to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the
following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself in the mirror
and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And
you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and
comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of
your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the
register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Lowe's.  Check yourself in the
mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The hot young thing running
the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is
spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt.  Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your
new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear
that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.  The Cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and
it says, 'I Got Worms .'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.   Hose the dog crap
off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You
hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses
on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Lowe's until the drug store has
your prescriptions ready, too.  Don't even notice the dog crap on your
shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your
testicles are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.  Now you remember
you need to go to Lowe's.  Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying
to think what it is you are looking for.  x out loud and you think
someone called out your name.  You went to school with the old lady who
greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:

Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?  Did I send it? Did you? Who
farted?

[Antonio]

What really died at Auschwitz? Here's an interesting viewpoint.

The following is a copy of an article written by Spanish writer Sebastian
Vilar Rodrigez and published in a Spanish newspaper on Jan 15 2011.
It doesn't take much imagination to extrapolate the message to the
rest of Europe - and possibly to the rest of the world.

THIS WAS IN A SPANISH NEWSPAPER: "EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ"

by Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez

"I walked down the street in Barcelona and suddenly discovered a
terrible truth - Europe died in Auschwitz ... We killed six million
Jews and replaced them with 20 million Muslims. In Auschwitz we burned
a culture, thought, creativity, talent. We destroyed the chosen people,

truly chosen, because they produced great and wonderful people who

changed the world.

The contribution of this people is felt in all areas of life: science, art,

international trade, and above all, as the conscience of the world.

These are the people we burned.

And under the pretence of tolerance, and because we wanted to prove to
ourselves that we were cured of the disease of racism, we opened our
gates to 20 million Muslims, who brought us stupidity and ignorance,
religious extremism and lack of tolerance, crime and poverty, due to
an unwillingness to work and support their families with pride.

They have blown up our trains and turned our beautiful Spanish cities
into the third world, drowning in filth and crime. Shut up in the
apartments they receive free from the government, they plan the murder
and destruction of their naive hosts.

And thus, in our misery, we have exchanged culture for fanatical
hatred, creative skill for destructive skill, intelligence for backwardness

and superstition. We have exchanged the pursuit of peace of the

Jews of Europe and their talent for a better future for their children,

their determined clinging to life because life is holy, for those who pursue

death, for people consumed by the desire for death for themselves and others,

for our children and theirs.

What a terrible mistake was made by miserable Europe.

A lot of Americans have become so insulated from reality that they
imagine America can suffer defeat without any inconvenience to
themselves. Recently, the UK debated whether to remove The Holocaust
from its school curriculum because it 'offends' the Muslim population
which claims it never occurred. It is not removed as yet. However,
this is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world
and how easily each country is giving in to it.

It is now more than sixty years after the Second World War in Europe
ended. This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the
six million Jews, twenty million Russians, ten million Christians, and
nineteen-hundred Catholic priests who were 'murdered, raped, burned,
starved, beaten, experimented on and humiliated.' Now, more than ever,
with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be 'a myth,' it is
imperative to make sure the world never forgets.

This e-mail is intended to reach 400 million people. Be a link in the
memorial chain and help distribute this around the world.

How many years will it be before the attack on the World Trade Centre
'NEVER HAPPENED' because it offends some Muslim in the United States?
If our Judeo-Christian heritage is offensive to Muslims, they should
pack up and move to Iran, Iraq or some other Muslim country.

Thankfully not everyone in the world thinks the same.

[TBWG]

This is your Captain speaking;
 
 
 
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.  Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from  London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'
 
   
Silence followed!
 

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I  was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' 


 
One Aussie passenger yelled...
 
'For x's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'
 
 
 

[TBWG]

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
 
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
 
Getting a Hair dryer through Customs.
 
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest Beside her:
'Father, may I ask a favour?
 
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
 
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
 
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
 
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
 
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
 
The Customs officer asked:
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
 
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
 
The officer thought this answer strange, so asked:
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
 
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
 
Roaring with laughter, the officer said:
'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
 
 
 

[urleft]

The Sensuous Wife

Upon arriving home from work our hero was greeted by his wife, dressed in a low cut and very sexy dress.

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" She asked.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, nope."

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued.

...



...



...




"Go look in the garage..."

[urleft]

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired, “Where have you been?”

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael. “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor.

“Over here, I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s Texas, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, strong of character, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled. “I will create Washington DC. Wait until you see the idiots I put there!”

[Adam]

Wasn't George Bush from Texas!?

[Nobby]

Did you hear about the fat, transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. Took her 15 hours to hoover the house! Turns out she was a Slovak.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[TBWG]

                          DILEMMA
 
One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”
He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example
to illustrate that. Imagine that you are laying in a big bed
with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man
on the other.
 
Who are you going to turn your back on?
 
 

[TBWG]

 MY FIRST CONDOM
>
> I recall my first time with a condom. I was 17. I went in to
> buy a packet of condoms at Erlichs Drugstore. In those days it took a
> lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because
> everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I
> think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
>
> She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she
> could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She
> handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly
> answered, No, not really.
>
> So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over
> her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
>
> Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around
> the store to see if it were empty. It was. Just a minute, she said,
> and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into
> the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her
> bra and laid it aside. Do these excite you? She asked.
>
> Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there
> with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip
> the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed
> her panties and lay down on a desk. Well, come on, she said, We don¹t
> have much time.
>
> So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that,
> unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done
> within a few moments.
>
> She looked at me with a bit of a frown. Did you put that
> condom on? She asked. I said, sure did, and held up my thumb to show
> her.
>
> Thats when she beat the shit out of me....
>
> Women have always been hard for me to figure out.