Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

                              The  Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad
to watch a young Iraqi play  football, is suitably impressed and
arranges for him to come over to  Anfield.

                                 

                                Two weeks later  Liverpool are 4-0 down 
to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.

                                 

                               The  manager gives the young Iraqi striker
the nod and on he  goes.



                               The lad is a  sensation, scores 5 goals in
20 minutes and wins the game for   Liverpool .

                                 

                               The fans are delighted, the  players and
coaches are delighted and the media love the new  star.



                               When the player  comes off the pitch he
phones his mum to tell her  about his  first day in English football.

                                'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I
played for 20 minutes  today, we were 4-0 down

                                but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody
loves me, the fans, the media,  they all love me.'

                                'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell
you about my day. Your  father got shot in the street and robbed, your
sister and I were  ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has
joined a gang of  looters, and all while you were having such great
time.' 



                               The young lad is very  upset. 'What can I
say mum, but I'm so sorry.'



                                Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 

                                 

                                It's your bloody fault we moved  to   
Liverpool in the first place!'

[urleft]

Something to think about.....

I had amnesia once - or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.”

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help “groups”?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[Vombatus]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory,effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish  navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

[den Buut]

 , John Cleese,

[TBWG]

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. 
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.   

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of
its head. 

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
 

 

 

[urleft]

this morning while looking for a clean shirt i found my wifes secret diary...........

......... i was both delighted and aroused to read about her rough and dirty sexual fantasies, all involving ANAL

That was of course until i remembered she's dyslexic and my best mates name is ALAN.

[TBWG]

WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES
 
President Obama and Prime minister David Cameron are sitting in a bar. 
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Cameron sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?"
Obama says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?"
"Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?"
Obama turns to Cameron and says, "See, I told you......... 
No one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims!"

[urleft]

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

[den Buut]

I LOLLED Urleft, thanks.

[urleft]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
///////////////////////////////
INTERESTING OBSERVATION





1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.


5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....


6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
********************
Man of the House
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The bleedin funeral director would be my first guess."
***********************
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing
lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another
order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding
down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of
sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked
in."
*****************
Dom, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Dom's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Dom, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Dom replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Dom replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Dom smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
************************
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
The third boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!
//////////////////////////////////////

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
/////////////////


A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange and embarrasing development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
////////////////////////
Blackpool Hotel sex

A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes. He popped into a phone box near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs... Well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call. 'Hello', the woman says. Gosh, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic love, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

[urleft]

Aircraft Maintenance Log Entries from the U.S. Air Force

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.  "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.



(Problem) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(Solution) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(Problem) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(Solution) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(Problem) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(Solution) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(Problem) Something loose in cockpit
(Solution) Something tightened in cockpit

(Problem) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(Solution) Evidence removed

(Problem) DME volume unbelievably loud
(Solution) Volume set to more believable level

(Problem) Dead bugs on windshield
(Solution) Live bugs on order

(Problem) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(Solution) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(Problem) IFF inoperative
(Solution) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(Problem) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(Solution) That's what they're there for

(Problem) Number three engine missing
(Solution) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(Problem) Aircraft handles funny
(Solution) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "flyright", and be serious

(Problem) Target Radar hums
(Solution) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

[TBWG]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.


Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, ' Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball..'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that....that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that again; you're in my closet now.'

 

[TBWG]

: The Thailand Gym           
   

                 

                 
                     

                    An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
                    The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby"......

[urleft]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

[urleft]

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean
they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients
in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered
her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

‘The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon
can I go home?’

Happy Mental Health Day!