Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

       Grins and Snickers

I was in the 'Six Item Express' lane at the supermarket, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So - which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please; and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob.."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes;" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

 
 

[TBWG]

British humour..........politically incorrect !
 
It has been announced that the police are going to be
allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting
some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.
 
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
 
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind
ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves
and arsonists. The vast majority are drug dealers
and rapists.
 
Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water,
7 miles every day for food & 10 miles every day for
medicine for him & his family. This is because the daft
bastard and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar,
Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now
he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.
 
Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a
million pounds worth of improvements.
 
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing
anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as
high as 1.
 
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her
eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I
saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just
on standby.
 
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester ,
Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any
Englishmen.
 
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the
Doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've
found that a bacon sandwich does the trick.
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Albert]

Has this ever happened to you?

It's amazing what a cheap suit and a rented car can get you.


"https://www.facebook.com/video/embed?video_id=115102942008941"

[TBWG]

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Yn0ey0vePwI

[TBWG]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
 
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

[TBWG]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three

very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and

asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are
you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

[TBWG]

One day a Barnsley man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
 
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

 
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.."

"Amazing," he notes... "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.  I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.  I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.  So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat..  Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.  Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No!  No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed..  "I can't take another drop of coconut juice"

"It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk..
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses.  "What's next?"  When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.  She then
beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.  You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like right now, something you've been longing for,
right?" She stares into his eye.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..."  he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've made a chip pan?"

[TBWG]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action  group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the  slightest success.


Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you  can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
water. So, who wants to go first  ?"

The Englishman piped up.  "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said..

"That's no use, Trevor" said the  speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and  blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy  ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out  " London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise..

After 15 minutes of exceptionally  steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said



"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[TBWG]

How times and politicians have changed....**
>  I read Truman's biography and it contained the following information and a
> LOT more.  I gained a new appreciation of President Truman. **
>
> *Thought you'd enjoy this! *****
>  *It's one you want your Children and Grandchildren to read. *****
>  *They won't believe this happened, but it DID.*****
>  *Harry & Bess*
> *(This seems unreal.)* ****
 
>  *Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many,
> or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the
> other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may
> rest on what he did after he left the White House.
>
> The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in
> Independence Missouri . His wife had inherited the house from her mother
> and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their
> entire lives there.
>
> When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension
> reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was
> paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an
> 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.
>
> After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to
> Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.
>
> When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating,
> "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't
> belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."
>
> Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the
> Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I
> don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any
> award, Congressional or otherwise."
>
> As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.
>
> Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the
> Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have
> found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their
> offices. Political offices are now for sale (cf. Illinois ).
>
> Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life
> were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to
> tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!"
>
> I say dig him up and clone him!
 
 

[TBWG]

Yorkshire Farmer

 

 

 

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream, so he shouts ,

“Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow shite an it could kill thee”
 
 
The man says: "Excuse me Sir,  I am a muslim from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer and slower please”
 
 
The farmer replies: " if....you.... Use.... Two .....Hands....... You.....Wont.... Spill ....Any"

 

[Speros]

WALKS INTO A BAR... THE BALLERINA

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

[Speros]

WALKS INTO A BAR... DOG DAY AFTERNOON

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"

The guy says, "BAD DOG!"

[TBWG]

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The Beretta Jetfire:



While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere.

She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took...the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.....

 

 

[TBWG]

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep..
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half!'
The nun fainted !

[TBWG]

Chicago Schools
are finally starting to teach practical maths that these kids can use in
real-world situations!
NAME____________________________________________________
 
GANG/CREW
NAME_________________________________________
 
CRIB_____________________________________________________
 
1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually
misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shooting. How
many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload ?
 
 
2. Angel has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to
Antonio for $320
and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street
value of the rest of his shit ?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many
tricks per
day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack
habit ?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000
to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20%
upside ?
 
5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a
Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's,
how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's
bail?.

6. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and
the average
letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with
three 8 oz.
Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over ?
7. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in
his gang.
What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up ?

8. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor
that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a
week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income
?
 
 
9.
Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
his
common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money
will be left when he gets out ?
 
10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As
Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his
357 Magnum
piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will
Marvin be when
he gets whacked
?