Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco
Her condition is said to be stable

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had a £5 each way !

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's
always wanted!

Had a burger from tesco for my tea last night...I still have a bit between my teeth.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or Neigh?

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes
for serving suggestions.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
Said to the Mrs, 'These Tesco burgers given me terrible trots..'

To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian

Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of ....SHERGARS BUM?
(Shergar was a famous Irish racehorse)

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO NO NO!

[TBWG]

A Californian and an Arizonian were Elk hunting in the Arizona mountains when an illegal alien runs across a clearing.

The Arizonian takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

"It's legal here in Arizona " replies the Arizonian.

Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Wal-Mart.  He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Californian draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona !" protests the Californian.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

[TBWG]

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES
       
 
 
 
 
I don't know who writes this stuff but a lot of it is so correct.


Eating in the UK in the Fifties:

  Pasta had not been invented.

  Curry was a surname.

  Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet

  Spices came from the Middle East where they were used for embalming

  Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

  A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

  A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

  Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

  The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage,

  All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the
salt on or not.

  Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and ketchup and brown sauce if we were lucky.

  Soft drinks were called pop.

  Coke was something that we put on the fire.

  A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

  Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

  A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

  A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.

  A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.

  Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

  Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

  Bread and jam was a treat.

  Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

  Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

  Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

  Figs and dates only appeared at Christmas.

  Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.

  Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.

  Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist

  Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

  The starter was our main meal. Soup was a main meal.

  Only Heinz made beans.

  Leftovers went in the dog.

  Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

  Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

  Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

  Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

  Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.

  For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of newspapers.

  Frozen food was called ice cream.

  Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.

  Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.

  None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

  Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.

  If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less.

  Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

  People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

  Indian restaurants were only found in India .

  Brunch was not a meal.

  If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would
have been certified

  A bun was a small cake back then.

  The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food.

  Eating outside was a picnic.

  Cooking outside was called camping.

  Seaweed was not a recognised food.

  Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday

  "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food..

  Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.

  Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious they would never
catch on.

  The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond comprehension.

  The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.

  The world had not heard of Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.

  Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being
white gold.

  Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were only found abroad.

  Prunes were medicinal.

  Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called
cattle feed.

  Turkeys were definitely seasonal.

  Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a
real one.

Mushrooms were an occasional treat


  We never heard of Croissants; we certainly couldn't pronounce it.

  We thought that Baguettes were a problem the French needed to deal with.

  Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour food.

  Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

  Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.

  Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all
called "food poisoning."

  The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties ....
elbows.

[Albert]

So glad times have changed.

[TBWG]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
 
Robot for sale.

[TBWG]

A little old lady went to Fareway to buy cat food. She picked  up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at  the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but Jim says we cannot sell you cat  food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food  to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food  for your cat."


 
 


The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and  brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day,  she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry,  but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot  of old people buy dog food to eat, but Jim wants proof that you are buying  the dog food for your  dog."


 
 



So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was  able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a  hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger  in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in  there."


 
 


The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in  the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box  and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells  like shit."

 
 

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of  toilet paper."
~~~~Don't mess with old people.~~~~

[TBWG]

PREGNANT AT 71
 
 
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the heck is the matter with you?!"the older doctor demanded."
Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
*
*
*]
*
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

[TBWG]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne, when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down in a spare seat.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. On producing her cheaper ticket, the attendant tells the blonde
passenger that she's only paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The frustrated flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the First Class cabin and tries to explain to the blonde that because she only paid for Economy she is only
entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies once again: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying just where I am! "

Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use, and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says: "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and over the years I've learnt to speak fluent blonde!"

The co-pilot is immediately dubious and at the same time curious.

The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear.

She replies: "Oh dear, I am sorry, I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the rear of the aircraft.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed, and asked the pilot what he said to make her return to her seat without any fuss.

The Pilot replies: "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".

[TBWG]

.

[TBWG]

An Italian MaMa

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.


During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.




Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:


Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son

Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa



Moral:

Never Bulla Shita you MaMa

[TBWG]

Fantastic News from Social Security concerning Pensions and Benefits


نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
 ما نقش سايه  دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
 نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه  دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا

نيست نقش
If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

 

 

[JimNasium]

Thanks TBWG. For the benefit of those who do NOT read Persian:

If you can not find the light went shadow eyes and stared at the wall.
  We can not wait to don the role of light in the shadows if shadows disappeared. The left
  If you can not find the light went shadow eyes staring at the wall and we can not wait to don the role of light in the shadows if shadows disappeared. We went to the wall and staring eye shadow role again dan do not go light on the walls of the staring shadow Pydanyst Masayh
We can not wait to don the shadow of the wall and staring eyes light if the light went Pydanyst the wall and staring eyes Mapyda

It is not the role

Makes perfect sence...

[Prakhonchai Nick]

Words of wisdom!

[smoooth2]

Thanks TBWG. For the benefit of those who do NOT read Persian:

If you can not find the light went shadow eyes and stared at the wall.
  We can not wait to don the role of light in the shadows if shadows disappeared. The left
  If you can not find the light went shadow eyes staring at the wall and we can not wait to don the role of light in the shadows if shadows disappeared. We went to the wall and staring eye shadow role again dan do not go light on the walls of the staring shadow Pydanyst Masayh
We can not wait to don the shadow of the wall and staring eyes light if the light went Pydanyst the wall and staring eyes Mapyda

It is not the role

Makes perfect sence...

I'm sure this is an extract from Julia Gillard's last policy speech.     

[Nobby]

Words of wisdom!

Norman?