Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS IS
These are from a book called: "Disorder in the American Courts",
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers
and our nation is so screwed up.

 
 
 
 

[TBWG]

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
> wined and dined by the State Department.
> The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
> cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
> manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
> Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
> water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
>
> "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the
diplomat.
>
> "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
> "But a man is sitting on the well!"

[JimNasium]

The South African Minister of Agriculture, Tina Joemat-Petterson was visiting a farm and feigned interest in farming.
“Why does that cow not have horns?” she asked.
“There are several reasons why some cattle do not have horns”, answers the farmer patiently.
“Horns can hurt other animals and for this reason some farmers de-horn their animals chemically or with a de-horning iron that works with heat or with a horn cutter or even with a saw. Some breeds of cattle are even born totally without horns. But this particular cow does not have horns because it’s a fcuking horse.”

[TBWG]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best

patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants

on my operating table because when you open them up, everything

inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try

electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians

are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like

construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have

a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when

he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..

Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

[TBWG]

 
 The Hunting Accident
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

 
 
 

[urleft]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[TBWG]

-An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks:

 

-How do you stay in such great physical condition?

 

-I'm Italian and I am a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.

-Well', says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

-Who said my Father's dead?

-You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?

-'He's 100 years old. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

-Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

-'Who said my Nono's dead?

-You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living !!!  Incredible, how old is he?

-He's 118 years old ' says the Old Italian golfer.

-The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, so I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?

-'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

-At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married !!!  Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?'

-'Who said he wanted to?'

[urleft]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the operating Room.

The first kid leans over and asks, ‘What are you in here for?’

The second kid says, ‘I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.’

The first kid says, ‘You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.’

The second kid then asks, ‘What are you in here for?’

The first kid says, ‘A circumcision.’

And the second kid says, ‘Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn’t walk for 18 months.

[TBWG]

In a Tottenham church on Sunday morning a preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over,
please come forward to the front of the altar."With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing. The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then  prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
 
 
 
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"
 
Leroy answered, "I don't know.  It ain't 'til Thursday."
 
   

[TBWG]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


David Bissonette
 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Sacha Guitry
 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
 

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Anonymous
 

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?"


Dumas
 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud
 

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


Anonymous
 

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison
 

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'


James Holt McGavra
 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Patrick Murra
 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash
 

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous
 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.


Henny Youngman
 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield
 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous
 
 
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

[TBWG]

In  a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.
 
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

 


Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more.
 
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver,
she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make
the step.
 
 
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and  placed  her gently on the
step of the bus.
 
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan  and
screeched, "How dare you  touch my body!  I don't even know
who you are!'


The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my  fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."   
 
 

[TBWG]

Three people were able to walk on water...
 
There was Jesus...
 
There was Saint Peter
 
and there was Pedro...
 
Pedro, who the f**k is Pedro?
 
 

[TBWG]

 
 A Golfer’s Story

 
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband  reached across the table,took his wife's hand in his and said,"Martha,  soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know.  In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've  been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for  a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never  suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'" 

Martha  said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.. Do  you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day  he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for  that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't  have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?  Well, I went to  see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no  charge."

"I recall that," said Henry.  "And you did it to save my life, so of  course I can forgive you for that..  Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 173 more votes?"
 
 
 
 

[TBWG]

 
 
 
 
 
Today's word is.................. Fluctuations
 
(I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)
 
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.  There was just one lady
in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,
 
"Why it change?  Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty?  Why it change?"
 
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
 
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
 
 
 

[TBWG]

Generation "Y"
 
 
People born before 1946 were called The Silent and Powerful Generation
 
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X
 
People born between 1980 and 2012 are called Generation Y
 
 
Why do we call the last group
Generation Y?
 
 
 
Y should I get a job?
 
Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?
 
 
 
But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently

below...