Ring any bells?

[urleft]

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs.

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: About $10.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your f*cking Ferrari then?

[Albert]

Nice one

[Speros]

FREUDIAN SLIPS

A man sits on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong.

He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.

The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"

[Speros]

LITTLE JOHNNY... QUIT BUGGING ME

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

[urleft]

How to Wash the Cat...

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Signed, The Dog

[TBWG]

LAWS
1Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.


3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).


7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.


8.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!


10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking --A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!


18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[TBWG]

 
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her  eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart.  It's Eric. I'm on the train"."Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
 

[urleft]

Number 15 should be properly named:

15. Law of Nookie Argument

[Speros]

IDENTIFYING BUBBA

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes.'"

[Speros]

DEVIL IN THE CHURCH

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[JimNasium]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"

[TBWG]

COMMANDO?
 
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
 
I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."
 
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
 
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer."
 

[TBWG]

 A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

 


The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is.'



While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old  lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls
and pressed a button. The walls opened,
and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.



They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.


 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,

said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

[Speros]

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

[Speros]

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"