Ring any bells?

[Speros]

GOLFING WITH THE MOB

Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.

One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.

He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives.

Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."

"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"

"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."

The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."

"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."

The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it!"

The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"

[Speros]

ALIEN ABDUCTION

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."
Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"
"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."

[Speros]

WALKS INTO A BAR... FREE DRINKS

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

[Speros]

AN ATHEIST AND A BEAR

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[urleft]

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."
"Ali Son al Len” - Silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al Len" - Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.



The teacher repeated the call.



A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.

It's pronounced Alison Allen...."

[Speros]

BUBBA

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

[Speros]

 
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

[urleft]

To be honest, I was more shocked by the fact that Tescos burgers were found to have meat in them.

All those against the Tesco Burgers say Neigh.


Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.


Went to the fridge to check my burgers, aaaaannndddd they're off!


I suspected our local chicken take away was using horse meat from Tesco after that 5 ft drumstick they sold me.


I think someone may be sending me death threats.
Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.


I selected some burgers on the Tesco website...
I then clicked on "add to cart"


Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of uniquorn.


horsey horsey dont you stop
or you'll end up in a tesco shop


When Tesco customers were asked if they were put off by the horse meat scandal, an overwhelming majority said 'Neigh'.


It has been announced that next year's Grand National will be sponsored by Tesco. They need a new supplier.



When Tesco say the burgers they sell are high in iron.
I did'nt realise they meant the fucking horse shoes.



In TESCO today the cashier asked if I 'would like a nose bag for life.'



There has been outrage in France today.
Consumers have found out that their local tesco have been selling Horse burgers containing up to 60% beef.




I went to Tesco earlier to go and grab some dinner, and after what I've been hearing all day, I definitely wasn't taking any chances...
So hot dogs it is.



A leaked email has suggested that Tesco executives had attempted to play down the use of horse meat and pork in the "beef" imported from their overseas suppliers.
They are now extremely concerned about possible revelations regarding their French Coq Au Vin, Spanish Meatballs and German Bratwurst. 


I always thought Aberdeen Angus was the name of a prize winning cow.
Not an injured racehorse.


the burger sales at tesco are going good.


I thought my tesco burger had been cooked on a george foreman grill turns out they were marks from the jockeys whip


Tesco have announced that things are not all that bad regarding their burgers .. they have found some beef in them too
a spokesman said "well every little helps"



Quote from Prince charles " I don't know what all this Tesco fuss is about, I've been eating horse for years, haven't I Camilla"


I've just been to tesco for a joint of meat for the sunday roast.
"How big would you like your cut, sir?" The butcher asked me.
"Oh, about 7 and a half hands." I replied.


After hearing the news about Tesco burgers, I am somewhat loathe to try their jumbo sausages!


Earlier, I felt that hungry I could've eaten a horse.
Luckily for me, I had a couple of Tesco value burgers in my freezer!


Just re-read the story and it doesn't say there's horsemeat in burgers, just DNA. It could just be horse semen, so calm down, everyone.

[TBWG]

I was in Dubai and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read 'I miss Liverpool
So I broke the window, cleared out the glove box, stole the radio and left a note that read,
"I hope this helps."
 

[TBWG]

THE ORIGINAL SIN

[urleft]

Some tips for avoiding the flu:

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR ….

You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So……

I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

[urleft]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex !!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!

[Speros]

SOUTH AMERICAN TOAD

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

The guy asks, "What's in the box?"

The older guy says matter-of-fact, "A South American Blow Job Toad."

The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"

The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.

"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."

The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.

"Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.

"South American Blow Job Toad."

"So?" asks the wife.

"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."

[Speros]

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.  When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while.  Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.  Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.  Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns  with a big grin.  "Doc!  I took our advice and it works!  It REALLY WORKS!  I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

[Speros]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.