Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

You just got  to love the British Cabbies......
 
 
   

A devout Arab Muslim  entered a black cab in London . He curtly asked  the cabbie to turn off the radio because as  decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the  prophet there was no music, especially Western  music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab  driver politely switched off the radio, stopped  the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim  asked him, "What are you doing?

"The cabbie  answered, "In the time of the prophet there were  no taxis, so x off and wait  for a  camel."
 
 

[TBWG]

Subject: Filling in Tax forms correctly
 
This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.
 
HM Revenue Collectors has sent back a Tax Return to a man in Evesham
after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.
 
The Man wrote: In response to the question ‘Do you have anyone
dependent on you?’    he answered
 
 
"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million
unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85
prisons, plus 649 self-serving lying ponces in our Parliament, and the
entire European Commission".
 
The HMRC wrote back to him stating that the response he gave was
unacceptable.
 
The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out?"

[TBWG]

The T.S.A. Disclosed the official Airport Screening Results

October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:

Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.

Thought you'd like to know.

[TBWG]

 
 
Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"

Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"

Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in theclubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth....you got it."

Wife - "Bullshit. You played 36 holes, didn't you!"
 
 

[TBWG]

Australia says NO -- This will be the second Time Julia Gillard has done this!

She sure isn't backing down on her hard line stance and one has to appreciate her belief in the rights of her native countrymen.

A breath of fresh air to see someone lead.� Australian Prime Minister does it again!!

The whole world needs a leader like this!


Prime Minister Julia Gillard - Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Gillard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying she supported spy agencies
monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote:
'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT... Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.'

'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.'

'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese,

Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!'

'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'

'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'

'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I
highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'

'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'

NOTE: IF we circulate this amongst ourselves in Canada & USA , WE will find the courage to start speaking and voicing the same truths.

If you agree please SEND THIS ON and ON, to as many people as you know...

[TBWG]

MAN OF THE HOUSE



A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be
THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my
meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I
want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will
massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress
me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess." -

[TBWG]

The Ann Summers Fataility...!!!
 
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.


He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.


He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea.

It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.






I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.

[TBWG]

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears,

and IIII'm tttired of it!  Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you, to see what's going on."

So he examines him and says, "Well, I think I know what the problem is."

The guy says, "Wwwell, wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long, and all the down pressure

is putting strain on your vocal cords."

The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"

The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

The guy says, "Dddeal... Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says,

"Doc, you solved the problem, and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the

past three weeks.  My wife doesn't like it anymore.  She liked it with my long one.

I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off!
A ddddeal's a dddeal!!"

 

[urleft]

   THREE HOLY MEN AND A BEAR
   
   A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula
of Michigan.
   
   They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
   
   One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
   
   One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all
go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to
their religion.
   
   Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
   
   Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various
bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
   
   ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
   
   Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first
communion and confirmation.’
   Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
   
   In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW
that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to
do with me.
   
   So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
   
   The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running
in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
   
   The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not
have been the best way to start.”
   
   

[dimple joe]

    The Ten Commandments:-

    In the beginning God went to the Arabs and said,
    'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

    The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
    And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

    'Can you give us an example?'

    'Thou shall not kill.'

    'Not kill? We're not interested..'

    So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

    The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
    'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

    'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
    We're not interested.'

    Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
    'I have Commandments.'

    The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

    'Not steal? We're not interested.'

    Then He went to the French and said,
    'I have Commandments.'

    The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

    'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

    Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
    'I have Commandments..'

    'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

    'They're free.'

    'We'll take 10.'

    There. That, should offend just about everybody.....
       
     

[smoooth2]

Nice one DJ      I like it

[TBWG]

 

 

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
 
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
 
When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.


When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up'. The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
 
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road, and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man.
 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
 
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog....

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 
 
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.
'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? 
Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
 
Soooo...

This explains why we forward jokes: Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word..... Maybe this will explain.
 
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?  You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? “A forwarded joke!”

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today, and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
 

[TBWG]

.

[urleft]

I’m sure that all you cattle breeders out there already recognize this substance!

A friend of mine spent $2,500 on a young Black Angus bull. He put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.

I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that’s possible with a bull.

Anyhow, he had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave him some pills to feed him once per day.

Dang! The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of his cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred all his neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight.

He’s like a machine! I don’t know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint..............

[TBWG]

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”.  They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
Well that was when the trouble started