Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

A sad, but true story about safe SEX
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he
was shot by the woman's husband.
 

[TBWG]

I was sitting at the computer the other day & called out to my wife,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"

 
SHE SHOUTED BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "
 

[TBWG]

Dear God, please send clothes
to all those poor ladies on
Grandpa's computer.
Amen.
 

[TBWG]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.


Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's pissed.'
 

 

[TBWG]

 Speed limits....
 
Waiting in a lay by ready to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.
 
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
 
So he turns on his twos and blues and pulls the driver over.
 
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
 
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
 
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
 
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
 
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" ......the old woman says a bit proudly.
 
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
 
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
 
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
 
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[TBWG]

The Arab and the Jew
 
 
 
An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.
 
 
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".
 
 
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
 
 
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
 
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
 
The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?" 
 
 
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
 

[TBWG]

   


Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the
bible... Is that true?  Where is it?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?

 
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year
olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"

SMILE, You've still got your
sense of humor, RIGHT?
 
 
 
 

[TBWG]

Larry Is In The Hospital .

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Sandy, his wife says,
"Where the hell have you been?"

Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, finally,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the St Luke's Hospital, Intensive Care Unit, Room 233.

[TBWG]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "
God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
 
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
 
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office,
 
so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,
 
looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
 
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
 

 

[TBWG]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabby: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabby: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabby: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabby: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabby: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabby: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabby: "I married his f*cking widow."

[TBWG]

 Folks,  this is the year that we RE-TAKE AMERICA &  CANADA 
*********  Get  Ready *********


Keep  this going around the  globe.
Read it  and forward every time you receive  it...
We can't  give up on this issue.

Andy Rooney  and  Prayer


Andy  Rooney says:

I don't believe in Santa  Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for  singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in  December.
I don't  agree with Darwin , but I didn't go out and hire  a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his  theory  of evolution. 

Life, liberty or your pursuit of  happiness will not be endangered in any  way because  someone says a 30-second prayer before a  football game.

So what's  the big deal?

It's not  like somebody is up there reading the entire  Book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they  believe in and asking him to grant safety to the  players on the field and the fans going home  from the game.

But it's a Christian  prayer, some will argue.

Yes, and this is  the United States of America , and Canada ,  countries founded on Christian  principles. According  to our very own phone book, Christian churches  outnumber all others better than  200-to-1.
So what  would you expect --
Somebody  chanting Hare  Krishna?

If I went to a football game in  Jerusalem ,
I would  expect to hear a Jewish  prayer.

If  I went to a soccer game  in Baghdad,
I would  expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

If I  went to a ping pong match in China  ,
I would  expect to hear someone pray to  Buddha.

And I  wouldn't be offended.It  wouldn't bother me one bit.

When in Rome  .....

But what about the atheists? Is  another argument.

What about  them?

Nobody is  asking them to be baptized.  We're not  going to pass the collection plate. Just humor  us for 30 seconds.  If that's asking too  much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear  plugs.  Go to the bathroom.  Visit the  concession stand.  Call your lawyer! Or,  just exercise their right to leave this  country!

Unfortunately, one or two will  call their lawyer.
One or two  will tell thousands what they can and cannot  do.  I don't  think a short prayer at a football game is going  to shake the world's  foundations.

Christians are just sick and  tired of turning the other cheek while our  courts strip us of all our  rights.
Our  parents and grandparents taught us to pray  before eating, to pray before we go to  sleep.
Our Bible  tells us to pray without  ceasing.
Now a  handful of people and their lawyers are telling  us to cease praying.

God,  help us.  And if that last sentence offends  you, well, just sue me.

The silent  majority has been silent too long.  It's  time we tell that one or two who scream loud  enough to be heard that the vast majority  doesn't care what they want!

  It is  time that the majority  rules!

    It's time we tell them, "You don't have to pray;  you don't have to say the Pledge of Allegiance;  you don't have to believe in God or attend  services that honor  Him.
That  is your right, and we will honor your  right;
But  by golly,
You  are no longer going to take our rights  away.
   We are fighting back, and  we  WILL WIN!"

God  bless us one and all...Especially those who  denounce Him,  God bless America and Canada , despite all our  faults, we are still the greatest nations of  all.
God  bless our service men who
Are  fighting to protect our right to pray and  worship God.

Let's  make 2013 the  year the silent majority is heard and we put God  back as the foundation of our families and  institutions. And our military forces come home  from all the wars.

Keep looking  up.

   

If you agree with  this, please pass it on.
If not delete  it.
   

 BUT  REMEMBER SHOULD YOU DELETE  IT,

that's  one reason why this world is in the mess we're  in now.

WE  JUST SIT  BACK & LET IT  HAPPEN!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 

[TBWG]

man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[TBWG]

Speed limits....
 
Waiting in a lay by ready to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.
 
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
 
So he turns on his twos and blues and pulls the driver over.
 
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
 
The driver, obviously confused, says to him
 
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
 
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
 
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" ......the old woman says a bit proudly.
 
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
 
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
 
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
 
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
 
 

 

[TBWG]

 
 
 Pray if  you want to!
   
CBS and  Katie Couric et al must be in a panic and  rushing to reassure the White House that this is  not network policy.


 Folks,  this is the year that we RE-TAKE AMERICA &  CANADA 
*********  Get  Ready *********


Keep  this going around the  globe.
Read it  and forward every time you receive  it...
We can't  give up on this issue.

Andy Rooney  and  Prayer


Andy  Rooney says:

I don't believe in Santa  Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for  singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in  December.
I don't  agree with Darwin , but I didn't go out and hire  a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his  theory  of evolution. 

Life, liberty or your pursuit of  happiness will not be endangered in any  way because  someone says a 30-second prayer before a  football game.

So what's  the big deal?

It's not  like somebody is up there reading the entire  Book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they  believe in and asking him to grant safety to the  players on the field and the fans going home  from the game.

But it's a Christian  prayer, some will argue.

Yes, and this is  the United States of America , and Canada ,  countries founded on Christian  principles. According  to our very own phone book, Christian churches  outnumber all others better than  200-to-1.
So what  would you expect --
Somebody  chanting Hare  Krishna?

If I went to a football game in  Jerusalem ,
I would  expect to hear a Jewish  prayer.

If  I went to a soccer game  in Baghdad,
I would  expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

If I  went to a ping pong match in China  ,
I would  expect to hear someone pray to  Buddha.

And I  wouldn't be offended.It  wouldn't bother me one bit.

When in Rome  .....

But what about the atheists? Is  another argument.

What about  them?

Nobody is  asking them to be baptized.  We're not  going to pass the collection plate. Just humor  us for 30 seconds.  If that's asking too  much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear  plugs.  Go to the bathroom.  Visit the  concession stand.  Call your lawyer! Or,  just exercise their right to leave this  country!

Unfortunately, one or two will  call their lawyer.
One or two  will tell thousands what they can and cannot  do.  I don't  think a short prayer at a football game is going  to shake the world's  foundations.

Christians are just sick and  tired of turning the other cheek while our  courts strip us of all our  rights.
Our  parents and grandparents taught us to pray  before eating, to pray before we go to  sleep.
Our Bible  tells us to pray without  ceasing.
Now a  handful of people and their lawyers are telling  us to cease praying.

God,  help us.  And if that last sentence offends  you, well, just sue me.

The silent  majority has been silent too long.  It's  time we tell that one or two who scream loud  enough to be heard that the vast majority  doesn't care what they want!

  It is  time that the majority  rules!

    It's time we tell them, "You don't have to pray;  you don't have to say the Pledge of Allegiance;  you don't have to believe in God or attend  services that honor  Him.
That  is your right, and we will honor your  right;
But  by golly,
You  are no longer going to take our rights  away.
   We are fighting back, and  we  WILL WIN!"

God  bless us one and all...Especially those who  denounce Him,  God bless America and Canada , despite all our  faults, we are still the greatest nations of  all.
God  bless our service men who
Are  fighting to protect our right to pray and  worship God.

[TBWG]

The Arab and the Jew
 
 
 
An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.
 
 
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".
 
 
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
 
 
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
 
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
 
The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?" 
 
 
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."