Ring any bells?

[CO-CO]

This just about sums it up:-

[TBWG]

Presidential Humor…

 

 

 

 

 


Bill Clinton
started jogging near his
home in Chappaqua.


But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.


With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry
out from the curb.


"No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton

This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell,
"Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back,
"Five dollars!"

One day however,
Hillary decided that she
wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!


As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a
darn good explanation
for the Secretary of State.

As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,
 
Bill became even more apprehensive
than usual.

Sure enough,
there was the hooker!


Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.


Then,
from the sidewalk,
the hooker yelled...
 
See what you get for five bucks!?"
 

[TBWG]

S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes....when you cry....
No one sees your tears.

Sometimes....when you are in pain....
No one sees your hurt.

Sometimes....when you are worried....
No one sees your stress.

Sometimes....when you are happy....
No one sees your smile.


-

-

-

But Far* !! Just ONE friggin' time.....
And everybody notices!!
And You thought this was going to be one of those
Heart-touching stories!


PS Would appear F*rt is not acceptable on forum ... smells fishy?

[TBWG]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.


As the plane prepared to  descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that  'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
just put your trays up, that would be super.'


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'


She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess, and I take orders from no one.'


To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch!'

[TBWG]

 
Nelson at
Trafalgar 2012
 
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now.
We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.
They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.
I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."


Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.
There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir.
You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
 
 
 
Sad but true!
 

 

[TBWG]

IRISH MOUNTED POLICE…

‘TASER HIM MICK...FOR F**K'S SAKE, TASER HIM!!!’

[CO-CO]

The Vatican has revealed that Jimmy Savile was only two sexual assaults away from getting his own Parish.

[CO-CO]

I was in the pub the other day telling that old joke about "What do you do if you see an epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!"

We were all having a good laugh about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Excuse me mate but I dont find that funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit."


I said "I'm ever so sorry mate, did he drown?"







"No" he said "he choked on a sock"

[TBWG]

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a
Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her
direction, requiring her to deflect it.

He finished the box and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing
that, you stupid, Infidel, worthless Catholic bitch."






She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they
smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker !
 

[TBWG]

Attendance call on the first day back at school in Birmingham.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?"      "Here."

"Achmed El Kabul?"          "Here."

"Fatima Al Hayek? "           "Here."

"Ali Abdul Olmi?"               "Here."

"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."

"Ali Son al Len” Silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al Len" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
She repeated, "Is there any child here called?"



A girl arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
It's pronounced Alison Allen.
 

[TBWG]

 This is straight forward country thinking...
 

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1.  You grow poppies and refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 
     You may be a Muslim

2.  You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher and ammo, but you can't afford shoes.
     Youmay be a Muslim

3.  You have more wives than teeth.
     You may be a  Muslim 

4.  You wipe your but with your bare hand, but consider bacon and pork unclean.
     You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
    You may be a Muslim

6.  You can't think of anyone you haven't declared  Jihad against.
     You may be a Muslim 

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
    You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
    You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
    You may be a Muslim


10. You find this offensive or racist and won't  forward it. 
     You  probably are a Muslim.

[TBWG]

           THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS     

 

 

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

[TBWG]

Let's Go Dutch
 
Let’s Go With the Dutch - but why wait until 2013?
(Better be late than NEVER!)

Netherlands, where six per cent of the population is now Muslim, is scrapping multiculturalism:

The Dutch government says it will abandon the long-standing model of multiculturalism that has encouraged Muslim immigrants to create a parallel society within the Netherlands ...

A new integration bill, which Dutch Interior Minister Piet Hein Donner presented to parliament on June 16, reads:
 
"The government shares the social dissatisfaction over the multicultural society model and plans to shift priority to the values of the Dutch people.

In the new integration system, the values of the Dutch society play a central role."

With this change, the government steps away from the model of a multicultural society.

The letter continues: "A more obligatory integration is justified because the government also demands that from its own citizens.

It is necessary because otherwise the society gradually grows apart and eventually no one feels at home anymore in the Netherlands ..
The new integration policy will place more demands on immigrants.
 
For example, immigrants will be required to learn the Dutch language and the government will take a tougher approach to immigrants who ignore Dutch values or disobey Dutch law."

The government will also stop offering special subsidies for Muslim immigrants because, according to Donner;
"It is not the government's job to integrate immigrants." (How bloody true).

The government will introduce new legislation that outlaws forced marriages and will also impose tougher measures against Muslim immigrants who lower their chances of employment by the way they dress.
More specifically, the government will impose a ban on face-covering, Islamic burqas as of January 1, 2013.

Holland has done that whole liberal thing, and realized - maybe too late - that creating a nation of tribes will kill the nation itself.

The future of Australia, the United States, UK and Canada may well be read here, and it would be absolutely foolish of them not to take heed and act similarly.

NOTE: Muslim immigrants leave their countries of birth because of civil and political unrest "CREATED BY THE VERY NATURE OF THEIR CULTURE."

Countries such as Holland , Canada , the UK and Australia have an established way of life that actually works, so why embrace the unworkable?
 
If Muslims do not wish to accept another culture, the answer is simple;
"STAY WHERE YOU ARE!!" "Or go back to where you were!"

[Somnat]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

[TBWG]

Subject: Fw: 10 years from now...
 
 
 
 
 
I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and said to my mate, “That'll be us in ten years.”
He said, “That’s a mirror, you dickhead.”