Author Topic: Ring any bells? (Read 585800 times)

TBWG · « **Reply #660 on:** November 20, 2012, 09:14:28 PM »

Subject: Vodka Christmas Cake Recipe

I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, 4 large eggs, nuts, 1 to 4 bottles of vodka according to taste, 2 cups dried fruit, 4 cups self raising flour.

Sample a cup of vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl (what shells?) and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the blinking window, finish of the vodka and wipe the counter with the nearest cat.

Hoppy Chrishmas!

Starman · « **Reply #661 on:** November 21, 2012, 11:06:15 AM »

Ah, at last a biblical explanation:

It all makes sense now: Gay marriage is legalized on the same day that marijuana is.

For the Bible tells us so:

Leviticus 20:13: "A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

Our interpretation has just been wrong for all these years.

TBWG · « **Reply #662 on:** November 22, 2012, 08:51:24 PM »

SeniorPonderings..............................

I'M RETIRED

As I was lying in bed this morning, pondering the problems of the world, I suddenly realized that I don't really give a rat's ring. It's the tortoise life for me now!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks nothing but water, and still it is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and jumps and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does virtually nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me.
Some Senior Thoughts

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make acomebackwhen you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

TBWG · « **Reply #663 on:** November 25, 2012, 08:48:39 PM »

Polite Way To Call Someone A Bastard -

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80..00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

TBWG · « **Reply #664 on:** November 25, 2012, 09:10:40 PM »

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name 7 advantages of Mother's Milk', This final question was worth 70 points
all seven parts had to be answered correctly or 70 points would be lost.....failure.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck - what was the 7th advantage. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers....and the cat can't get at it.

He got an "A".

smoooth2 · « **Reply #665 on:** November 25, 2012, 09:13:13 PM »

TBWG ... had a good laugh at your last 3 posts. Thank you. Keep 'em coming

TBWG · « **Reply #666 on:** November 25, 2012, 09:18:14 PM »

Brain food

PHENOMENAL 2 LETTER WORD
I'm sure you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.

UP

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP.

Now I'll shut UP!

Somnat · « **Reply #667 on:** November 25, 2012, 09:23:15 PM »

smooth2 I am sure he has a million of them

Not much else to do out in the boonies of Sutuek

Hi Dave

TBWG · « **Reply #668 on:** November 25, 2012, 09:40:24 PM »

You know only to well Somnat I do not have an original thought in my head, these are all pinched from others.

As you say not much goes on in Satuk! so whilst posting these it means less time for self abuse!

Hi Dave

TBWG

Somnat · « **Reply #669 on:** November 26, 2012, 07:50:45 AM »

Disagree Dave. Your work on BE is unsurpassed and appreciated by everyone I am sure

I thought you had already sorted out your self abuse problem ?

I am sure you told me last time we spoke that you had the problem in hand

Somnat · « **Reply #670 on:** November 26, 2012, 07:54:11 AM »

"SECONDS BEFORE DEATH" (CHILLING)

WARNING! - GRAPHIC BOATING INCIDENT.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING!)

Somnat · « **Reply #671 on:** November 26, 2012, 07:19:00 PM »

^^^^^^^^^^^^
Oops, should have been posted in the funny photo thread

Damn that Sailors Jerry

TBWG · « **Reply #672 on:** November 27, 2012, 08:39:05 PM »

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'

TBWG · « **Reply #673 on:** November 27, 2012, 08:42:29 PM »

A buxom woman has been accused of trying to kill her lawyer boyfriend… with her double-D breasts. Franziska Hansen, 33 from Germany is accused of ‘attempted manslaughter with a weapon’ after her boyfriend claimed she tried to smother him with her breasts and pretend it was a sex game of motorboat.

She denies the claim saying it was a sex game and he knew what it was all about.

Tim Schmidt told the German court that although they had had a difficult relationship, until then everything in the bedroom had been normal.

‘The incident happened in May – we were having sex,’ he said. ‘She was sitting on me naked and I was kissing her breasts. Suddenly she grabbed my head and pushed between her breasts with all of her force.

‘I couldn’t breathe any more, I must have turned blue. I couldn’t tear myself free and I thought I was going to die.’

He said that with his last reserves of strength he had managed to extricate himself from the woman’s vice-like grip and fled naked to a neighbor and demanded he called the police.

Mr Schmidt said when they met four years ago, the couple had been completely in love.

He said: ‘Everything was great between us – and I would have done everything for her. But it started to go wrong when I got my first job as a lawyer and we moved to Unna.

‘She could not hold down a job and just had one part-time job after the other. And the better my career went – the worst it seemed to be for her.’

He said Franziska tried to kill him after learning he was planning to leave her.

‘It is clear she wanted to kill me,’ he said. ‘She even admitted it to me on the telephone. I asked her why she wanted to smother me to death with her breasts and she told me: “Treasure – I wanted your death to be as pleasurable as possible.”’

TBWG · « **Reply #674 on:** November 27, 2012, 08:45:06 PM »

Subject: Joke of the Decade

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own
and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she
started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these
breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is
firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... that was me...'

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