Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

Some  Bitch looked at my beer belly in the pub last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?"
>
> I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."
>
>
>
> ***
>
> I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
>
> She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave, and got your hair cut,
> you'd look pretty good."
>
> I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
>
>
>
> ***
>
> I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
>
> I said to her, "Nice legs."
>
> The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
>
> I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
>
>
>
> ***
>
> I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
> woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
>
> "Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
>
> After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
>
> "Come on, what day was I born"?
>
> I said, "Yesterday."
>
>
>
>
> ***
>
> "Jesus loves you."
>
> A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
>
>
>
> ***
>
> I got caught taking a leak in the local swimming pool today.
>
> The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
>
>
>
>   

[TBWG]

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA .
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Jonathan Ross has been accused
of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross said it was a whisk he was prepared to take..
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says:
"Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo
with blood pouring from them..
"B*ll*ks to that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
drug for depressed lesbians.. It's called Trydixagain.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
8 illegal immigrants were suffocated in the back of
a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.
 

[TBWG]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived inScotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing
 
 

[TBWG]

 UPDATE ON MY FRIENDS SURGERY
.
I tried to keep this a secret, but somehow the
news leaked out about it, so I thought I had
better tell everyone.
.
Dear Family and Friends,
.
Most of you know my friend went in for a surgical
procedure an -
Arse Lift.
She didn't have the
most pleasant experience. She should've left
well enough alone.
.
I wanted to show you how it turned out. I
hope this keeps YOU from having this done.
.
Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . . don't get an
Arse Lift. You will most certainly regret it!!!

[urleft]

This is forwarded purely for its literary merit.  Please don't shoot the messenger

 

He was in ecstasy and a huge smile spread across his face as his girlfriend moved slowly forwards and then backwards again. Forwards then backwards. Back and forth. Back and forth. In and out. In and out. Her heart was pounding faster now. Her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then progressively louder. Finally, exhausted, she let out one almighty scream, then sighed heavily and relaxed her vice-like grip!!!
 
"Oh! Okay! You'd better park the f**king car yourself you SMUG BASTARD!"
 

I believe there is a video of her parking, not the elapsed time:

[TBWG]

CATHOLIC HORSES
A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.



Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
 
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.



He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
 
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
 
The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..
 
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
 
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
 
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
 
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.



'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'   
 
 
 

[Somnat]

Keeping with the horse theme .... and Australia's Melbourne Cup is next week .........

Riding the favorite in the Melbourne Cup, the jockey is well ahead of the field.

Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as the round the final bend.

With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeds in only coming second.

He immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously ‘hampered?
 

[TBWG]

While hiking along the white cliffs of Dover this morning, I noticed a
Muslim extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the English channel .
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives
he had been carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
 
Being a responsible Brit and abiding by the law of the land, that
requires you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police, the
life boat rescue squad and the home office.
It's now 16.00 he has drowned and none of the authorities have responded.
I'm starting to think I've wasted 3 stamps
 

[TBWG]

Subject: Building Permit
 
 

 
 
I just applied for a building permit for a new house.
 
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at
various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside 
entertainment sound system.
 
It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it bright 
purple with pink trim.
 
The City Council told me to f*** off.
 
 
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
 
Work starts on Monday!!

[TBWG]

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!   
>   
> Cab driver picks up a Nun.  She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
>   
> She asks him why he is staring.
> He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
>   
> She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
>   
> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
> She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
>   
> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
> "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
>   
> The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
> "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
> "Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
> The nun says, "That's OK.  My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
>
>

[TBWG]

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's
And shyly walked up to
The woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "
"What type of bra?"
Asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around,"
Said the saleslady,
As she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color
And material imaginable!

"Actually,
Even with all of this variety,
There are really only
Four types of bras to choose from ."
Relieved, the man asked
About the types.
The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic,
The Salvation Army,
The Presbyterian,
And the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?"


Now totally befuddled,
The man asked about
The differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
"It is all really quite simple. .


The Catholic type
Supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why
A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H
are the letters used
To define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
But couldn't figure out
What the letters stood for,
It is about time
You became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!....
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!......
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
And I can't get up!...



They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

[TBWG]

THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.   I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. 

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY who I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.  WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

[TBWG]

My Dear Wife,
 
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy.  I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.  Therefore, after reading this note, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.  Please don't be upset; I shall be home before midnight.
 
 
 
When the man came home late that night, he found the following note on the dining room table:
 
 
 
My Dear Husband,
 
I received your note and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old.  As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.  I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.  He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.  As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.  Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
 
 
 
 

[TBWG]

Ole won a fishing boat in a raffle drawing in a small upstate
Minnesota town.

He brought it home and Lena looks at him and says, "Vot da heck you gonna do vit dat. Dere ain't no water deep enough ta float a boat widin 50 miles uv here."

Ole says, "I vun it and I'ma gonna keep it."

Sven came over to visit several days later. He sees Lena and asks where Ole is.

She says, "He's out dere in his fishin boat," pointing to the
field behind the house.

Sven heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of
a big field.

He yells out to him, "Vot da heck are you doing out dere?"

Ole replies, "I'ma fishin'. Vot da heck duz it look like I'ma
doing?"

Sven yells back, "It's a people lika you that give people from
Norvay a bad name; make everybody tink we are stoopid. If I cud
svim, I'd come out dere and kick yor ass."
 
 

[urleft]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman.