Ring any bells?

[mike]

It seems that we do not have to worry about offending Tony with racist jokes, especially as it seems he is a self-proclaimed racist himself.

IT - it is not my intention to offend you and if it does then perhaps you could explain to me how your statement could not be construed as being racist.

Are you not a fan of America/Americans, Tony ?

No i am not a fan of America.
America has turned into a despicable country,and has a following of robotic mind controlled fools.

[Alan]

Can we please keep this place for fun and piss take.

[TBWG]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"

[urleft]

got an email from a bud in Alabama:



I finally got around to going fishing this mornin but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[John the Traveller]

Well Urleft that's a smart "Bama" snake.................

[TBWG]

THESE ARE INSTRUCTIONS HANDED OUT TO ALL OFFICERS AT C.I.D COURSES AND ANTI-TERRORISTS COURSES IN THE BEDFORDSHIRE FORCE/SERVICE
UK’s Bedfordshire Police’s rules regarding terrorists and dangerous criminals
If they’re non-Muslim
• Consider the most opportune time of day to be able to arrest suspects with minimum resistance
• Apply all necessary force to enter the premises and arrest suspects accordingly.
If they’re Muslim:
• Community leaders must be consulted before raids into Muslim houses.
• Officers must not search occupied bedrooms and bathrooms before dawn.
• Use of police dogs will be considered serious desecration of the premises.
• Cameras and camcorders should not be used in case of capturing women in inappropriate dress.
• If people are praying at home officers should stand aside and not disrupt the prayer.
They should be allowed the opportunity to finish.
• Officers should take their shoes off before raiding a Muslim house.
• The reasons for pre-dawn raids on Muslim houses needs to be clear and transparent.
• Officers must not touch holy books or religious artefacts without permission.
• Muslim prisoners should be allowed to take additional clothing to the station.
With this continuing appeasement, no wonder it’s now predicted that
Britain will become an Islamic state by 2070.
(Time to think about your children.)

[Italiantony]

THESE ARE INSTRUCTIONS HANDED OUT TO ALL OFFICERS AT C.I.D COURSES AND ANTI-TERRORISTS COURSES IN THE BEDFORDSHIRE FORCE/SERVICE
UK’s Bedfordshire Police’s rules regarding terrorists and dangerous criminals
If they’re non-Muslim
• Consider the most opportune time of day to be able to arrest suspects with minimum resistance
• Apply all necessary force to enter the premises and arrest suspects accordingly.
If they’re Muslim:
• Community leaders must be consulted before raids into Muslim houses.
• Officers must not search occupied bedrooms and bathrooms before dawn.
• Use of police dogs will be considered serious desecration of the premises.
• Cameras and camcorders should not be used in case of capturing women in inappropriate dress.
• If people are praying at home officers should stand aside and not disrupt the prayer.
They should be allowed the opportunity to finish.
• Officers should take their shoes off before raiding a Muslim house.
• The reasons for pre-dawn raids on Muslim houses needs to be clear and transparent.
• Officers must not touch holy books or religious artefacts without permission.
• Muslim prisoners should be allowed to take additional clothing to the station.
With this continuing appeasement, no wonder it’s now predicted that
Britain will become an Islamic state by 2070.
(Time to think about your children.)

Maybe it's a good idea for all of us to convert to Islam,especially if your a criminal.

[TBWG]

IT it obviously pays ~~~ Last time I went to USA it took about a month to get a visa and I travelled riff raff class!

Some people get instant acceptance and private jets. Where have I gone wrong ? Think I know the answer to that!


TBWG

[Italiantony]

IT it obviously pays ~~~ Last time I went to USA it took about a month to get a visa and I travelled riff raff class!

Some people get instant acceptance and private jets. Where have I gone wrong ? Think I know the answer to that!


TBWG

You forgot to add free room and board for life.
Also free medical care.
It seems turning to Islam is the way forward.

[TBWG]

           Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a
couple nice cold beers.  The day was really quite beautiful,
and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

            Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth
more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

            Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

            Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with the answer to that question.

            Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a
baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion

            A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it
might be nice to have another child."

            On the other hand, you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I
think I would like another kick in the nuts."

            I rest my case.

            Case closed.

[TBWG]

  A  married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his  priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and  rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest  said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're  not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail  Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman  left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked  over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and  then started to leave..

The priest, who was  watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You  didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman  replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and  according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


Lemon  Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman  who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she  said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'  The  priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made  mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest  thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons  into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young  woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The  priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your  face.'

Looks of  Disappointment
A man was just waking up from  anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his  side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're  beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had  never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.  A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,  'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of  'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What  happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs  are wearing off.'


Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived  alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for  company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the  parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could  ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father  Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services  for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists  down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya'  think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation
Father  O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father  O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can  you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted  Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your  congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate  $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'


Confession
An  elderly man walks into a confessional. The following  conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a  wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren,  and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college  girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex  with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you  sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'You’re Jewish,  Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years  old ..... At my age, I'm telling everybody!'

Trip to the Brothel
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells  the madam he would like a young girl for the night.   Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how  old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've  had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do  I owe you?'

Senility
An  elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm  getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to  zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor.  'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest  Control
A woman was having a passionate affair  with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One  afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when  her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said  the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed  him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband,  however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom  discovered the man in the closet...

'Who are you?'  he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,'  said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in  there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a  complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those  little bastards!'

 

[TBWG]

Another Famous American converts to Islam ...
It was announced today that Buckwheat,OfOur Gang fame, Has converted To
The Muslim faith and changed his name to:
Kareem of Wheat.
I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!

[Alan]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when
she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[TBWG]

Sometimes, we try
Too hard to get to the greener grass.
In the process, we end
Up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in troubleAnd you're stuck in a
Situation that you can't get out of, There is one thing you
Should always remember that not everyone who shows up...

 

Is there to help you!!!!

 

That is the end of today’s lesson

   

[dimple joe]

 

I went down to the Benefits Office this morning to sign up my Dog.

The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".

I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.

She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

He gets his first cheque on Friday.

The UK is a great country.