Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books,

    'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

    One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition  that they were nearly identical stories!
     
    His cool professor gave him an A for this report.


    Titanic: cost - $29.99
    Clinton: cost - $29.99
     
    Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
    Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

    Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and  subsequent catastrophe.
    Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,  and subsequent catastrophe.
     
    Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
    Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
     
    Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
    Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
     
    Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
    Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
     
    Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
    Clinton: Let's not go there.
     
    Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
    Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.
     
    Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
    Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
     
    Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
    Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
     
    Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
    Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[TBWG]

    WHITE WOMEN:


    First date:
    You get to kiss her goodnight.
    Second date:
    You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
    Third date:
    You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.



    SCOTTISH WOMEN:
     
    First Date:
    You both get blinding drunk and have sex.
    Second Date:
    You both get blinding drunk and have sex.
    20th Anniversary:
    You both get blinding drunk and have sex.


    ITALIAN WOMEN:

    First Date:
    You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
    Second Date:
    You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
    Third Date:
    You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
    5th Anniversary:
    You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
    6th Anniversary:
    You find yourself a Mistress.


    CHINESE WOMEN:

    First date:
    You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
    Second date:
    You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
    Third date:
    You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.


    INDIAN WOMEN:

    First date: Meet her parents.
    Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
    Third date: Wedding night.


    BLACK WOMEN:

    First Date:
    You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
    Second Date:
    You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
    Third Date:
    You get to pay her rent.
    Tenth Date:
    She's pregnant by someone other than you.


    MEXICAN WOMEN:

    First Date:
    You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
    Second Date: She's pregnant.
    Third Date: She moves in One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

    JEWISH WOMEN:

    First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
    Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image
    Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier


    ARAB WOMEN:
     
    First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
    Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
    No third date:
    THAI WOMEN:

    First Date: You stick your hands down her pants and find a 10 dick
    Second Date: Arraigned for murder
    Third Date: Convicted
    Fourth Date: Executed

    The POINT?

    'DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SCOTTISH WOMEN?'
     
     
     

[TBWG]

An atheist was  walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful  rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

 
As  he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling  in the bushes behind him.

 
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot  grizzly bear charge towards  him.
 
He ran as fast as  he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

 
He looked over his shoulder again  and the bear was even  closer.

 
He tripped and fell on the ground.

 
He rolled  over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike  him...


 
At that  instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time  Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

 
As a  bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You  deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help  you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a  believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be  hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but  perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

 
'Very well,' said  the voice.

 
The light went out. The sounds of the forest  resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord  make me truly thankful, Amen.'
 

[TBWG]

  'Vigara' is  now available
in powder form
for your tea.
 
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft

[urleft]

In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.  A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor, they died.  An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor.  And they, too, all perished in the fire.

6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Bangers, & ex-cons, who lived on the 3rd floor died too.

A lone, white couple lived on the top floor.  The couple survived the fire.

President Obama was furious!!  He flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera and then loudly demanded to know, ‘Why have the Blacks, Muslims and Hispanics, all died in the fire and why only the White couple lived?’


The Fire Chief said, "They were at work"

[dimple joe]

^^ good one Urleft 

The first day at his new school in Sydney
Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"This is Australia and there is no Mohammed, from now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, we are in Australia and now my name is Bruce" said the boy.

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your
parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 6 hours after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two f..in’ Arabs!..."

[John the Traveller]

Over to you Tony 

JT 

[John the Traveller]

Your a terror DJ ! 

[TBWG]

Hi IT

This thread was started over 2 years ago has over 500 posts and more than 30,000 views.

During that time the p*ss has been taken out of all nationalities, religions, ethnic groups etc but you are the first one to find it offensive.

It is posted in the entertainment section and the very nature of a joke means someone, something has to be the butt of the joke if you find it offensive perhaps you should refrain from looking at the thread!

Alternatively you are welcome to join in the spirit of it and post jokes yourself.


TBWG

 

[TBWG]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
So I bought her some scales.


Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. .. .
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

[Alan]

A Muslim Dies And Goes Up To Heaven


 A Muslim dies and goes up to heaven. He's stopped at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who says "Sorry, but we don't allow Muslims into Heaven!"

"What?" replies the Muslim, "Why not?"

"Well, we just don't!"

The Muslim complains and carries on until Saint Peter gets fed up, "Well," says Saint Peter, "have you ever done anything good in you life?"

"Erm ..." the Muslim replies, "yeah, just the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children's charity so I gave her ten dollars. Then last week I also donated ten dollars to the American Cancer Society. Plus a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten dollars too!"

"Alrighty then," says Saint Peter, "let me go and have a quick word with God."

Five minutes later Saint Peter returns and says to the Muslim, "Listen, I've spoken with God and He agrees with me - here's your 30 bucks back, now f*#k off!"

[Alan]

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:

"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

[TBWG]

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs..
The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.


Husband says to wife My Olympic condoms have arrived I think Ill wear gold tonight.
Wife says, Why dont you wear silver and come second for a change.


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself that guys heading for a breakdown.


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said English speaking Doctor
I thought, 'What a good idea, why dont we have them in our country?'


The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him

 

[John the Traveller]

Vestra frui vita Tony et non vastate nostra.
I ,of course, don't have to explain that to you do I ITALIAN Tony!
I suggest you follow the thought as we are all tired of you.
Ciao,
Gianni 

[Alan]

Because there are no Mosques in Venice , The Government has allowed the Italian Muslims to pray in the streets.

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