Ring any bells?

[urleft]

The difference between heaven and hell:

Hell:

Where Brits Cook, French run the Railroads, and Germans are the Police.


Heaven:

Where French cook, Germans run the Railroad and Brits are the Police. 

[Nobby]

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd
 seen the Sydney Harbor and everything else but he wanted to
see the real Australia.
   So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah.
 There wasn't much to see. There was a drought on it was hot and
 the wind was blowing dust everywhere.
   He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and
cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of files that
buzzed around him.
   The pub's only customer a bloke in a blue singlet greeted him
 with a G'day."
   The American ordered a beer.
   "Yank eh?" quizzed the aussie.
   "Sure am buddy" the Yank replied.
   "Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank?" the bloke asked.
   "It's the goddamn asshol_e of the world," the Yank replied.
   There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke.
 Then he asked, "You just passing through?"

[urleft]

There a posting for a cooked meat slicer for sale:

 http://www.buriramexpats.com/forum/index.php/topic,6681.0/topicseen.html

Reminded me of the Pickle slicer:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

 "I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[TBWG]

      CAR KEYS

            Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

            I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

            Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

            My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
            My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
            His theory is that the car will be stolen.

            As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

            I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.


            Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered;  ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)

            "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

            There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

            "Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!

            Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

            He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

            Yep it's the golden years................ :-

 

 PS   Before you ask I have no idea what a TSA is!

[JimNasium]

       PS   Before you ask I have no idea what a TSA is!

Transportation Security Administration

[urleft]

       PS   Before you ask I have no idea what a TSA is!

They are USA groppers that check you at airports. 



Transportation Security Administration

[TBWG]

 The Dot l FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP .  For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.   Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in  London has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.   On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry house, a taxi cab, or an old peoples home in the UK.   If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with BT technical advice.
 

[dimple joe]

Saw an Indian lady on the tube and was worried she had died.


My pal pointed out the red dot on her forehead.

Seems she was just on standby....

[urleft]

Found in an old joke book compiled in 1921 by Edward Clode:

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the blackboard in his class-room:

“Professor Jennings informs his students hat he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George.”

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:

“God save the King!”

[TBWG]

> An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.  All the Arab facilities were completely full, so they put him in an Italian home.
>
> 
> After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.  "How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.
>
> 
> "It's wonderful!  Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
>
> 
> "We're so happy for you.  We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."
>
> 
> "Oh, no!  Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.
>
> 
> There's a musician here - he's 85 years old.  He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him “Maestro”!
>
> 
> There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old.  He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him “Your Honor”!
>
> 
> There's a dentist here - 90 years old.  He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him “Doctor”!
>
> 
> And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me “The Fu*king Arab”!
>
>

[urleft]

When Bill Met The Parents

One evening Mr. Rodham was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, Hillary came home with her new boyfriend, a boy named Bill. After being informed of the problem,
Bill said he could get the peanut out..

The Bill told Mr. Rodham to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up Mr. Rodham’s nose and told him to blow hard.

When Mr. Rodham blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and dHillary jumped and yelled for joy.

The young Bill insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to Mr. Rodham and said, ‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t that Bill smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’

Mr. Rodham replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, I would say our son-in-law.’

[TBWG]

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You  are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

George Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'



George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'



Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!'



George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time.'



Oprah asked, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age,  Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George told her that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold  my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah asked, 'Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George replied, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.

[urleft]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

[CO-CO]

New UK tax disc:-

[TBWG]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose
what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had
received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip
of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he
suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''


The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.