Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven!
Queen Elizabeth
And
Dolly Parton
Die on the same day and they both go
Before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
So the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular Reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these,
They're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
And I'm sure it will please God to be able to see
Them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty
The same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is out raged and asks, "What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and
You turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly" says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.

[TBWG]

fter 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came in for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched–with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

 

 

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!

 

[TBWG]

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
 "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them."

He took a quick breath and continued: She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said

"Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

=

[TBWG]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
 
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as          discreetly as possible.
 
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
 
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking          baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
 
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years,          I've been chewing gum
 

[TBWG]

 Wisdom from an old Jewish man! Ahhhhh……the wisdom of the ages. .


A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

The Journalist then asked:  "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

[TBWG]

Dear Prime Minister The RT. Hon. David Cameron, MP.
         I wish to ask you a Question:-  "Is This True?"
I refer to the Pension Reality Check.
Are you aware of the following ?
The British Government provides the following financial assistance:-
BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
 (bearing in mind they worked hard and paid their Income Tax and
National Insurance contributions to the British Government all their
working life) 
Weekly allowance: £106.00?     
IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
(No Income Tax and National Insurance contribution whatsoever)
Weekly allowance: £250.00
BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
 Weekly Spouse Allowance: £25.00?     
ILLEGAL  IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
Weekly Spouse Allowance: £225.00
 BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
Additional Weekly Hardship Allowance: £0.00?   
   ILLEGAL  IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
Additional Weekly Hardship Allowance: £100.00
A  British old age pensioner is no less hard up than an illegal
immigrant/refugee yet receives nothing
BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT £6,000?     
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT: £29,900
Please read all and then forward to all your contacts so that we can
lobby for a decent state pension..
After all, the average pensioner has paid taxes and contributed to the
growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years.
Sad isn't it? Surely it's about time we put our own people first.

[TBWG]

I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night & telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands.

She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less. Eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said go on then give it a go!

I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer & asked, "So go on when was I born then?"

I replied "Yesterday.”

[urleft]

*** 23 ADULT TRUTHS ***  (the best is saved for last) 

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Is learning cursive really necessary in today’s world?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. [Like when you get there?]

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. [Mine does]

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option. [I think they now do.]

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first “helmet” was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. [Ladies.....Quit Laughing.]

[urleft]

No Sex Tonight

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man”.
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey”.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier”.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it”.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
“WHAT?”.

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”.

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

[TBWG]

.

[Nobby]

That rings a bell!

[TBWG]

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering the time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..."God, if you
take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.


And just like that, her ears fell off!
 

[TBWG]

Drafting Guys Over 60
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier... New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!



I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.


For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.


Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..


An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.


Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.


Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
Old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.


HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!


Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
 

 

 

[TBWG]

 
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.



Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
 



They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'



Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'



         


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.   
This is Heaven!'


'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'


                                     

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*cking Bran Flakes.  We could have been here ten years ago!'
 

[TBWG]

I AM THANKFUL: FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
 

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME
WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
 

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS
SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.
 

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED .

 

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
 

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A
LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

 

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE

 

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME ..
 

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
 

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE
FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN
BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION ..
 

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
 

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.

 

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

 

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

 

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.
 

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MANY E-MAILS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE
THINKING OF ME.