Ring any bells?

[urleft]

American Railroads . . . the rest of the story:

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, ‘What horse’s ass came up with this?’, you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s behind.

And you thought being a horse’s behind wasn’t important!

Now you know, Horses’ Behinds control almost everything... including all the politicians in Congress.

Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn’t it?

[TBWG]

A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess. . .
“Will you marry me?”
The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and
rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and
hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated
women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and
never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and
banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and
potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated
on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was
frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up.

The end.

[TBWG]

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
 
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When They're Pushed Down The Stairs!

 

[urleft]

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free
snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible and had an elevator.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because it sounded nice and they had never been there before.

[TBWG]

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School. They
rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle
of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel
number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of
wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans
and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford
University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful
daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London 's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane , where Susanna, the
daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to
become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading
financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey
stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that after she left school at 17 she ran off with her
boyfriend Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their
own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco's. They live
in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front
drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old peoples
home.
They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent .

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[urleft]

And in rememberance of the Mexican 5th of May:



Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delievered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[TBWG]

    This one MADE MY DAY!!! I hope it does the same for you!!!!!
    Goodness me, haven't we all known people like this! The Arrogance of Authority
     
        A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

    The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher."See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

    The rancher nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores.

    A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull....
     
     
      With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....               

    (I just love this part....)
     

    "Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

            

[urleft]

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M; University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and bouncing up and down, and prevents nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the $hit out of him.

[TBWG]

    The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800.00. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00. How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

       
    "In God We Trust"

 

[urleft]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out
line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So because I’m retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was
now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a
poodle’s ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask
retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy
things to say.

[urleft]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.



One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.



“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”



“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”



“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”.



“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.



Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”



The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
“They usually saluted and said, Good morning, General, can I get your coffee, sir”?

[urleft]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss,

The Moral of the story?

Even though others do all the work, the a$$ hole is usually in charge.

[urleft]

There is a factory in Eastern Wisconsinwhich that the Tickle Me Elmo toys. In case you didn’t know, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...”

“Your job was to give Elmo two test tickles.”

[TBWG]

Senior moment, double post!!!!

[TBWG]

   Coming soon - The Aspirin Tax
>

>News Bulletin:
>
>
>The Government is going to impose a 40% tax on
Aspirin!
>
>
>
>Why, you ask..?
>
>
>Well, primarily because it’s WHITE
and it WORKS!