Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

 

DONATIONS
>
> A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.
>
> Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
>
> The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
>
> "Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP's during a sitting of parliament,
> and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to
> douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
>
> We are going from car to car collecting donations."
>
> "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
>
> The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
>

[TBWG]

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You  are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

George Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'



George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'



Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!'



George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time.'



Oprah asked, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age,  Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George told her that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold  my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah asked, 'Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George replied, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.

[TBWG]

It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman??!!

> On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
 
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
 
For a moment there is silence.  Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
 
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well
 
built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. ........He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. ......One button at a time.
 
........No one moves. ..............Everyone is transfixed. ...........He removes his shirt. ...........Muscles ripple across his hairy chest. ...........She gasps...
 
.............He whispers...
 
"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."
 

[TBWG]

Grammar

            On his 67th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
            After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
            The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only one teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3'.
            When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
            The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
            "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
            He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
            When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"   Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
            His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
            And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle!

 

[TBWG]

    Wine taster.

         

        At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died

        and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

        A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

        The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

    They gave him a glass to drink.

    He tried it and said,

    "It's a Muscat, three Years old, grown on a north slope,

    matured in steel containers".

    Low grade but acceptable.

    "That's correct", said the boss.

    Another glass....

    "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope,

    oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.

    Requires three more years for finest results.."

    "Correct."

    A third glass...

    ''It's a pinot blanc champagne,

    high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

    The Director was astonished

    He winked at his secretary to suggest something

    She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

    The tried it.

    "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant

    and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

 

 

 

[TBWG]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
 


 


Two elderly gentlemenfrom a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
 


 


An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
 


 


I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted hedidn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he sa id. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
 


 


Couple in their ninetiesare both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
 


 


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse..'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
 


 


Three old guysare out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
 


 


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A co uple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 


 


And One more. . ..!
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool…After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'




 

[TBWG]

Test  Your Brain
This is really cool.


 
ALZHEIMERS'  EYE TEST
(i  love this part.. its absolutely amazing!)
Count every  "  F " in  the following text:

FINISHED  FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY  COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE  BELOW)




HOW  MANY ?









WRONG,  THERE ARE  6  -- no  joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find  the 6 F's before you scroll down.


The  reasoning behind is further down.








The  brain cannot process "OF".




Incredible  or what? Go back and look again!!



Anyone who  counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a  genius.

 <http://www.aip.org/history/einstein/ae77.htm%3e>

Three  is normal, four is quite rare.




 

 
   

 

 

 

[TBWG]

An Arab enters a taxi cab in Austin, Texas..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because
he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of
the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is
music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the
side, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”

The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.

So get your ass out and wait for a camel.”

You gotta love Texas.

[urleft]

Little Johnny is told to write an essay about his daily routine. Next day, he has to read it out in front of the class:

"My Sex Life

I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning to feed the chickens and drive the cows out onto the meadow. Then I make a full breakfast for my grandparents and coffee and toast for my mother before I go to school.

After school, I have to do my homework, muck out the pigsty and chop firewood. Sometimes I help my dad out in the fields, hoeing weeds and lifting stones. Before going to bed, I have to do all the washing up and polish the kitchen floor. That's my daily routine."

"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher, "but why did you use that strange title?"

"Well," says Johnny, "I couldn't write 'My F**king Life', could I?"

[urleft]

Can you believe it?

The IRS sent my income tax return form back to me!

In response to question # 4, “Do you have any dependants?”
I replied :
12 million illegal immigrants,
7.1 million crack heads,
16 million unemployed people,
2 million people in prison
and about 600 idiots in Congress.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Who the h*ll did I miss

[urleft]

I understand that you don’t have a ton of extra time to read books, so I’ve
compiled a short list of books that can be read at a single sitting:

World’s
Shortest
Books
MY BLACK
GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger
Woods
____________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al
Sharpton
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT
BILL
By Hillary Clinton
___________________________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT
HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_____________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOWTO BE
TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
GUIDE TO: THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________
HOW TO LIVE LIFETO THE
FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED
BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie
O’Donnell
_______________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE
DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FINDTHE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK &DRIVE
SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
______________________________
MY BOOKOF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introductionby
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
____________________________________________________
HOW TO WIN A
SUPERBOWL
BY THE DETROIT LIONS
___________________________________________________
My Complete
Knowledgeof Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
________________________________________________________
And the shortest
book of them all...
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL
PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama

[TBWG]

The  teacher gave her fifth grade class an  assignment:  Get their parents to tell them  a story with a moral at the end of it.  The  next day, the kids came back and, one by one,  began to tell their stories.

There were  all the regular types of stuff:  spilled  milk and pennies saved.  But then the  teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only  Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a  story to share?"

'Yes ma'am.  My  daddy told me a story about my Mummy.  She  was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her  plane got hit.  She had to bail out over  enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of  whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the  whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't  break, and then her parachute landed her right  in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of  them with the pistol, until she ran out of  bullets, killed four more with the knife, till  the blade broke, and then she killed the last  Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good  Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.  What  did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this  horrible story?"

"Don't f**k with Mummy  when she's been on the  piss."
     
     
   
I love these touching stories!

 

 

 

[TBWG]

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen"


Husband texts back, "pour some luke warm water over it”


Wife texts back "computer completely f_cked now

[urleft]

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full...

The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things-—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions-—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else-—the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first-—the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s

[urleft]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Show up naked,
Bring Beer.