Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

         
The  female dentist prepares the needle to give the man with toothache an anaesthetic injection.

“No way! No needles, I hate needles!”
the guy said.

So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again.

“I can't do the gas thing either.
The  thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”

She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection,” the patient says.
“'I'm fine with pills.”

When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of  water.”

The  guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer?”

“It doesn't” she said,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out!!"
            

[TBWG]

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?
 
A 5 year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.

When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:
"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard,  dick-head,  prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

[TBWG]

Italian Bank Robbery
 
 
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense minute of silence.

Then an elderly Italian gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I tinka my wife caught a glimpse"
 

[TBWG]

> I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

> A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
> at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't
> place where he knows her from.

> So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're
> the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the
> only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you
> the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool
> table with all my buddies watching?? She looks into his eyes and
> says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[TBWG]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
> pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
>
> "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
>
> The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
>
> The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
>
> The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't giveyou cyanide
> to kill your husband, that's against the  law!  I'll lose my license!
> They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds ofbad things will happen.
> Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
>
> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of herhusband in
> bed with the pharmacist's wife.
>
> The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had
> a prescription."
>
>

[TBWG]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Packer season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

[urleft]

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

[urleft]

most women would be estatic to be woken up on their birthday

with flowers ,a nice breakfast in bed ,and 20 minutes amazing oral sex

but oh no not my sister

[urleft]

Story from a Minnesota State Trooper:

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding MN State Highway 210 at Mile Marker 197 just East of McGregor, MN. I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a Conceal Carry Permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 semi-automatic in her glove box. Something…body language, or the way she said it…made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a f****** thing!”

[urleft]

TEXAS RANCHER

An 80-year-old Texas Rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do You stay in such great physical condition?’

‘I’m from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.’

‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?’

‘Who said my father’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Texan. ‘In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas rancher and he’s a hunter and fisherman too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Grandpa’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s’ still alive?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the man

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?’

‘No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’

[urleft]

Some short jokes:

How is a marriage like a deck of cards?
You start out with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you're looking for a club and a spade.

I haven't spoken to my wife in over three months...we're not fighting, I just don't like to interrupt.

The last time I golfed I only hit two good balls all day...and THAT was when I stepped on a rake in the sand trap!

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

A baby seal goes into a bar. The bartender says "What'll you have?"
The seal says "Anything but the Canadian Club."


from a nurse:
Q: What's twelve inches long and hangs in front of an a$$?
A: A stethoscope.


“How do you get a guitar player off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.”

Did you hear about the doctor who reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and said: "Ah, some a$$hole's got my pen.

An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar having a pint of Guiness, when suddenly each has a fly land in his beer. The Englishman snorts in disgust and pushes the glass away. The American flicks the fly out and continues drinking like nothing happened. The Irishman grabs the fly between his fingers, holds it upside down over the glass, and screams, “Spit it out, ya bastard!”

What is the difference between bagpipes and a chainsaw?
You can tune the chainsaw.

[TBWG]

How to start a fight

 

 

 


One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
          The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.
          When she asked  me why, I replied,
          "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
          And that's how the fight started.....
       ________________________________

          My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

          I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'
          'No,' she answered I then said,
         'Is that your final answer?'
          She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
          So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
          And that's when the fight started...
          ________________________________

         I took my wife to a restaurant.
          The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
          "I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."
          He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
          "Nah, she can order for herself."
          And that's when the fight  started.....

          _______________________________
          My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school
reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

          I asked her, "Do you know  him?"
          "Yes", she sighed,
          "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
          "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
          And then the fight  started...
         ________________________________
          When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat,
making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of  a clever way to make her point.

          When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I  came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."

          The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a  limp.
          ___________________________

          My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
          She asked, "What's on TV?"
          I said, "Dust."
          And then the fight started...
          ________________________________

          Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the
boat up to the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would  be bad all day.

          I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is
terrible."
          My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

          And that's how the fight started....
         _______________________________

          My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
          She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
          I bought her a bathroom scale.
          And then the fight started......
          ______________________________

          After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply
for Social Security.
          The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
          I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
          The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
          So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
          She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
          When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have  dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

          And then the fight started...

[TBWG]

Makes you weep - or be bl—dy annoyed.


 Dear Prime Minister The RT. HON. David Cameron. MP.
 I wish to ask you a Question :-  " Is This True ?"
 I refer to the Pension Reality Check.   
  Are you aware of the following ?
 The British Government provides the

 following financial assistance:-
   
 BRITISH OLD  AGED PENSIONER (bearing in mind they worked hard and paid
 their Income  Tax and National Insurance contributions to the British
 government all  their working life)   Weekly allowance: £106.00

 IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN (No Income Tax and National
 Insurance contribution whatsoever)   Weekly allowance: £250.00

 BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Weekly Spouse allowance: £25.00

 ILLEGAL  IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Weekly Spouse
 allowance:  £225.00

 BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Additional weekly hardship allowance £0.00

 ILLEGAL  IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Additional weekly
 hardship  allowance£100.00

 A  British old age pensioner is no less hard up than an illegal
 immigrant/refugee yet receives nothing
   
 BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT £6,000
 ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN TOTAL YEARLY  BENEFIT:
 £29,900

 Please read all and then forward to all your contacts so that we can
 lobby for a decent state pension.
 
 After all, the  average pensioner has paid taxes and contributed to the
 growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years.
 
 Sad isn't it?   Its about time we put our own people first.
 
 Please have the guts  to forward this.
 
 I Just did
 
Something I don't understand...I get these emails every now and then,
 
there is a simple message which the goverment is trying to get over to
 
everyone......."Tuff, get used to it".......
 
YOUR OPINION DOES NOT MATTER....SO STOP BITCHING
 
"have a nice day"........mugs

[TBWG]

Gynaecologist's Assistant

 

An unemployed man went into a Job Centre in Central London, and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went up to the desk and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled out the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is £45,000, but you'll have to go to Dagenham, Essex."

"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the queue is right now."

 

 

 

[TBWG]

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get
> acquainted tour of the White House.
>
> After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President
> Bill
> Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
>
> When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
> President Clinton had a solid gold urinal!
>
> That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just
> think,'
> he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
> But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!"
>
> Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House,
> she
> told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact
> that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
>
> That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
> smiled, and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
>
>