Ring any bells?

[urleft]

THINGS SOUTHERN BOYS DON’T SAY...

31. When I retire, I’m movin’ north.

30. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.

29. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won’t fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken

26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

25. You can’t feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We’re vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don’t need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

8. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.

4. I don’t have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA!

[John the Traveller]

A  Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to  reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How  much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an  even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he  says. We'll have a new one."

[TBWG]

 the cremated husband......

     
     
    Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

    Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

    Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

    "You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
    insurance money!"

    She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

    "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
    insurance money!"

    Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
    the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it
    too, with the insurance money!"

    Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember
    that blow job I promised you?"

    "Here it comes."
     

[TBWG]

 

 

                          A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading

                          when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
>
>                         WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
>
>                         HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>
>                         WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
>
>                         HUSBAND: "Of course I do..."
>
>                         WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
>
>                         HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
>
>                         WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>
>                         HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>
>                         WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>
>                         HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
>
>                         WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>
>                         HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
>
>                         WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
>
>                         HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new.."
>
>                         WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>
>                         HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
>
>                         WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
>
>                         HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
>
>                         WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
>
>                         HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
>
>                         WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
>
>                         HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
>
>                         WIFE: -- silence --
>
>                         HUSBAND: "SHIT."
>

[TBWG]

A SHORT LOVE STORY 
     
   
A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am...?

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?’


I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!  That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied.     'Get your own f...ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence...he farted.

The End

     

[TBWG]

When  you have an


'I  Hate My Job  day'


[Even  if you're retired, you sometimes have those  days]

Try  this
out:

Stop  at your  pharmacy
 

and
go to the thermometer section  and

purchase
a rectal thermometer  made

by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure  you get this
brand.

When
you get home, lock your  doors,

draw
the curtains and disconnect the  phone
so
you will not be disturbed.

Change  into very comfortable clothing and sit
in  your favorite chair. Open the package and remove  the
thermometer.

Now,
carefully place it on a table or a  surface
so
that it will not become chipped or  broken.




Now
the fun part begins.

Take
out the  literature from the box and read it
carefully.

You
will notice that in small print there is a
statement:


"Every
Rectal
Thermometer
made by Johnson &  Johnson
is
personally tested

and  then
sanitized."
Now,
close your eyes and repeat out loud five  times,' I am so glad I do not work in
the  thermometer quality control department  at

Johnson
&  Johnson.'


HAVE
A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS  SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE
OF A  PAIN IN THE ASS THAN  YOURS!



Remember,
if you haven't got a smile on your face and  laughter in your
heart....

Maybe
you should go and work for Johnson and  Johnson!




Enjoy  life now - It has an expiration  date!

 

[urleft]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’ ‘98,’ she replied...
‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old :
‘And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?’ the reporter asked..
Answer: No peer pressure.’

The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license..

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor’s permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker..

These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
‘For fast relief.

[urleft]

As You Slide Down the Bannister of Life in 2012— Remember.....

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It’s called ....... ‘Ministers Do More Than Lay People’

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice,
well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

11. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way...

12. POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.

[TBWG]

CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE ....... JUST PRICELESS

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle U.K. recently:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandma died in September.'

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'

MBNA: ‘Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'

Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'

MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'

MBNA: 'Could you fax us a death certificate?'

Family Member: 'Sure.'

( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA: 'That would help.'

Family Member: ' Plot 1049.' Heaton Cemetary, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne

MBNA: 'But, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

The MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang them.

 

[TBWG]

The Aussie Version of Creation



 
In the beginning God created day and night.

He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....

And BBQ's......


He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Second Day, God created water....

for surfing,

and BBQ's on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.


On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..


On the Fourth Day God created animals

steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke

to make use of all these wondrous creations -

go to the footy, enjoy the beach,

drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's,

and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke

was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy,

surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, y were good Blokes,

and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the

twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans

and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.

He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and

sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired

to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house,

to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie,

and then God saw that it was not just good.....

...........It was better than that..............................................
 

...............it was BLOODY AWESOME...!!!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA.....!!!!!

[TBWG]

Subject: Interesting facts on investments.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have £0.00 today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tescos, drank all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received a £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
And then..........................

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British.
 

[TBWG]

You think you have lived to be 83 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all away!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.  She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?'

He replied,  "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans.... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I  shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I  think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but ............I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

[TBWG]

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS   hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here         

[urleft]

Pastor and His Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a
race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the
donkey that he entered it in the race
again and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could
run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . .
even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

[TBWG]

At last a British version !!
 
I THINK THIS PERSON HAS IT ALL COVERED.  I COULDN'T SPOT
ANYTHING HE/SHE LEFT OUT.


I am the political Parties' Worst Nightmare.
I am a White, Conservative, Tax-Paying,   BRIT ......
I am  hard working and l work long hours to earn a living.

I believe in the freedom of religion, but I don't push my beliefs on others...

I believe the money I make belongs to me and not some bloody governmental functionary, Labour/Greens or Liberal, that wants to share it with others who don't work!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think owning a home doesn't make you a capitalist; it makes you a smart BRIT.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac or any other item, you should do it in English.

I believe there should be no other language option.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
     
I don't hate the rich, but hate the way they are always finding ways to pay less taxes.
I don't pity the poor, I hate the way they are always crying that they are hard done by!!

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.

I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks, and neither have you!

I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!

This is BRITAIN .....We like it the way it is and more so the way it was ....so stop trying to change it to look like USA , India , Africa, Pakistan , Iraq , Russia or China , or some socialist country!

If you were born or legally migrated here and don't like it... You are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you. (and take Clegg, his dick head group and the Greens with you.)
I believe it is time to really clean house, starting with the Houses of Parliament, the seat of our biggest problems.

I want to know exactly, where the "Do Gooder's " get their money from, and why are they always part of the problem and not the solution?

Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what race, colour or creed you are, but not just because you happen to be an illegal alien and scream that they are "RACISTS PIGS"
.
And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my driver's licence. I think it's good....
I hope you are not too stupid to claim to know how our electoral ballot system works, the Politician's don't, so what hope have we??

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.... Get a job and do your part to support yourself and your family!

I believe that it doesn't take all the intellectuals to raise a child, it takes two parents....

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think!

I believe the Union Jack flag should be the only one allowed to be flown in Great Britain !

If this makes me a BAD BRIT, then yes, I'm a BAD BRIT
If you are a BAD BRIT, please forward this to everyone you know.....

We want our country back!
My Country.....
I hope this offends all illegal aliens.

My great, great, great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Boer War.
My grandfather watched and bled as his friends died in the World Wars 1&2
My grandfather watched as his friends & brothers died in the Depression of 32.
Our son's and daughters watched & bled as their friends died in Afghanistan and Iraq .. None of them died for the Afghanistan and Iraq Flag. Every BRIT died for our flag.
Our young men are getting killed in Afghanistan whilst their young men run away, and get on a boat for BRITAIN , taking the place of genuine refugees!

At a well known University foreign students raised a Middle East flag on a flag pole, BRITISH students took it down. Guess who was expelled...the students who took it down.

Enough is enough

This message needs to be viewed by every BRIT; and every BRIT needs to stand up for BRITAIN ..

We've bent over to appease the Brit-haters long enough. I'm taking a stand.

I'm standing up because of the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the BRITISH flag.

If you agree, stand up with me. If you disagree, please let me know. I will gladly remove you from my e-mail list.

And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message.

BRITS, stop giving away Your RIGHTS !

Let me make this clear! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY !

This statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration !

YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY, welcome to come legally:

1. Get a sponsor !
2. Learn the LANGUAGE, as immigrants have in the past !
3. Live by OUR rules ! Dress as we ,BRITS do.
4. Get a job !
5. Pay YOUR Taxes !
6. No Social Security until you have earned it and Paid for it !
7. NOW find a place to lay your head !

If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone, then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM !

We've gone so far the other way . . . bent over backwards not to offend anyone

Only BRITS seems to care when BRITISH Citizens are being offended !

WAKE UP BRITAIN/ENGLAND ! ! !