Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

    12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

    1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

    2. New ZealandRugbyCommentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

    3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

    4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

    5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

    6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

    7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

    8. Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

    9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

    10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

    11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

    12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 

[TBWG]

BRITAIN'S NEW NAVY!

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS
Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure
from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS
Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st
century and comply with the very latest employment, equality,
health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with
wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce
the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number
of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day
and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in
accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race,
gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in
line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All
the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and
nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager
to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash";
so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced
by sparkling water.

Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include
all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on
request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of
flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.


Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist
and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All
information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different
languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be
required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this
applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the
White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The
Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned
soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury
Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She
will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal
immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south
coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest
in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to
comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."


His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules!"

 

 

 

 

[TBWG]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Come with 'complete' instructions.

 

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll TAKE one!" As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her "Just follow the instructions!" The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

 

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully and does EXACTLY what is specified:

 

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

 

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise. NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says 'If you have any problems or questions... Please call the pet store. So, she does. The man says "I'll be right over".

 

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!" The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME...'

 

             

[TBWG]

The 1st Affair


A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

 

[TBWG]

Ifyou yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
          (Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..
(Now that's more like it !)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
    (O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
         (In my next life, I want to be a pig..)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head  before it starves to
death.   (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
 (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
           (Hmmmmmm.... ...)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light..
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
         (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig?? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

[TBWG]

New definition for S.O.S.
 
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.

                         The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!'
and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb..
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
 

 
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and
then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:
'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back,
 took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'
 
When you are young & foolish -
speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

Older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....
 
 
 

[TBWG]

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 






A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted  "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects
were wonderful; she remained young looking and vibrant. After
fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying points, firstly
I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts."
She said, "Ahh.......No point asking about the beard then..........."

[TBWG]

How do they serve drinks on Italian cruise ships?   - On the rocks

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?   - Leeks

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?   - Follow the captain

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?  Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

[TBWG]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,  "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
 
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
 
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
 
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
 
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
 
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
 
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
 
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
 
"I outlived the bastards."

[aparasher]

How do they serve drinks on Italian cruise ships?   - On the rocks

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?   - Leeks

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?   - Follow the captain

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?  Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

Is bottom falling off any different from front falling off?

[aparasher]

Front fell off

[TBWG]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[urleft]

Armed police are involved in a stand-off with a man who was acting suspiciously in a Glasgow restaurant.

He was sober.

[TBWG]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must
tell you all something. Wehave a case of gonorrhea in the
convent.'THANK God,' said an elderly nun at the back.'I'm so tired of
chardonay.

[urleft]

SPEEDING TICKET...
Getting out of a Ticket

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.