Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

Old Poems

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
  I pray for a man who's not a creep,
  One who's handsome, smart and strong.
  One who loves to listen long,
  One who thinks before he speaks,
  One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
  I pray he's rich and self-employed,
  And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
  Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
  Massage my feet and help me stand.
  Oh send a king to make me queen.
  A man who loves to cook and clean.
  I pray this man will love no other.
  And relish visits with my mother.


      A MAN'S POEM:

   I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
     big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
     and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
     doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

[TBWG]

        The  Green Thing

        Checking  out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she  should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for  the environment.


        The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't  have this green thing back in my earlier days."


        The clerk  responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough  to save our environment for future generations."


        She was right --  our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.


        Back then,  we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The  store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and  refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really  were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our  day.


        We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in  every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't  climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.  But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.


        Back  then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away  kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine  burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes  back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers  or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right.  We didn't have the green thing back in our day.


        Back then, we had  one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a  small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the  size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by  hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old  newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.  Back then,  we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We  used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we  didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on  electricity. But she's right.  We didn't have the green thing back  then.


        We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of  using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We  refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we  replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole  razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing  back then.


        Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus, and kids  rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a  24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an  entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a  computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles  out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.


        But isn't it  sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?


        Please forward  this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.


        Remember:  Don't make old people mad.     


         
        We don't  like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us  off.

[Mod]

  very true...

[TBWG]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes..

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation..

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word..

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted.....'I'll do the bloody dishes!!!

[TBWG]

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from! 

 

[TBWG]

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least .....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

[TBWG]

SMART ASS:

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves  and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,  "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well.  Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid!

[TBWG]

    2011's First Christmas Joke
     
     
    Three men died on Christmas and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

     

    'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

    The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

    'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
     
     

     

    The man from wales reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

    Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.


     


    The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


    The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

     

    And So The Christmas Season
    Begins......


     

[Thomas]

Always read your posts TBWG. Cheers

[TBWG]

JEWISH DIVORCE

 

 

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."

All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece

When it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."

 

Her mother says,

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,

       You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion

You drive a £350,000 Ferrari,

You get £3,000 a week allowance,

You take 6 vacations a year and

You want to throw all that away...

 

Over 45 pence?"

 

[TBWG]

If  My Body Was a Car
             scary how true it  is!!

 

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be  thinking about trading it in for a newer model.  I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull  ...  but  that's not the worst of it.
My  headlights are out of focus and it's especially  hard to see things up close.
My  traction is not as graceful as it once was.. I  slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather..
 My whitewalls are stained with varicose  veins.
 It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.  My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But  here's the worst of it --
 
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my  radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

 

 

[TBWG]

    English Hospitality

    An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
     

    After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.


    He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.


    He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

    As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."


    "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."


    "Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".


    He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.


    "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."


    The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.


    Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.


    As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"


     

    "No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

 

[TBWG]

Two Coffees in Heaven!

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohamed is higher up.' Peter then points to a
ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room
where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohamed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again.

He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man
with a beard.  Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohamed higher up.'

Mohamed higher than Jesus!
Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever
higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly
magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his
question:

'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all
his climbing.

'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look
exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!'
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohamed,
two coffees!'

Keep your trust in God;

 

 

[urleft]

A guy having ordered 12 straight shots - to be delivered all at once.
Barkeep axes "what's the special occasion?" and the guy replies, "It was my first BJ"

The bartender tells him, "Well, let me give you a thirteenth on the house", but the guy declines, by way of "Nah - if 12 don't get rid of the taste, another won't make any difference".

[urleft]

Dieting - New Year Resolutions

2008: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2010: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2011: I will work out 3 days a week.

2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.