Ring any bells?

[aparasher]

Good one TBWG. Really liked the ATC one...passed it to some of fellow workers. Make sure to read newspaper tomorrow to hear about some incidents in Australian air space....LOL

[TBWG]

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"

"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah" That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike."

There's a few minutes of silence....

"I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" Asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic." says the co-pilot.

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain "It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , nomattah...all same

[John the Traveller]

Good one TBWG 
Makes several good points Cheeeerrzz
John T

[TBWG]

 A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
 
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."


With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
 
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
 Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
 
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

 

 

[TBWG]

Five Catholics

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,

Everyone calls him 'Father'.” The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.

When he walks into a room, People call him 'Your Grace'. "The third Catholic gent says,"

My son is a Cardinal.When he enters a room, Everyone bows their head and says

'Your Eminence'. "The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.

When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'. "Since the lone Catholic woman

was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well...?" She proudly replies,

"I have a daughter, Slim, Tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips.

 

When she walks into a room, people say,'My God!'"

[TBWG]

Hung Chow calls into work and says,
'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss  says,
'You know something, Hung Chow, I really  need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my  wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything  better and I go to work.. You try that.' 
 
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again and says,
'I do what you  say and I feel great.. I be at work soon..........You got  nice house!”

[Walter]

Saw (heard ) this today...made me laugh.  ...Caution does contain swearwords   

 Audio: Horse Race
Getting married horse race.  click here to listen

[TBWG]

    The Blind Cashier:
       A woman goes into Cabala's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

    The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

    He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the  counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

    He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

    She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

    "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

    At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
    The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
    He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
    She paid it and left without saying a word.

 

[TBWG]

A family is at the dinner able. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through
three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

[TBWG]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.

"He's decomposing."

[TBWG]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

[TBWG]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[Vombatus]

The wife was counting out all the 1 Baht's and 2 Baht's  on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.


 I thought to myself:  "She's going through the change"

[TBWG]

For all Ryanair users....

Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair......

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be 1 Euro please, Mr O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 Euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Euro. - You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you 1 Euro."

"I think you may be too big for the seat sir; can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of 4 Euro for your seat Sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 Euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr O'Leary,"

"I've had enough. What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his email address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 Cents per second".

"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for 1 Euro".

 

[urleft]

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.

Immediately, Jock says, "Open it up and we'll have a dram."

"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."

Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.

Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer.

"Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"

"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"

"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."

"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."

"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up."

"Aye, Angus, then what?"

"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"

"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye."

"Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that."

Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"