Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

                   Subject: French & pins dropping.

.

 

             

 

 

 

wonder why the French are so unpopular?

 

 

 

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.

 

De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

 

Rusk responded
"Does that include those who are buried here?"

 

 


 

 

 

 

You could have
Heard a pin drop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.

 

During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done?

 

He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.  What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

 

 A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:

 

'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
emergency  electrical power to shore facilities; they have three  cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,

They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.

 

We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

 

You could have
Heard a pin drop.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.

 

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

 

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English.

 

He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

 

Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,

 

'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

 

You could have
Heard a pin drop.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN
WITH THE ABOVE...

 

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

 

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

 

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked  sarcastically.

 

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

 

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

 

The Englishman said,

 

'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

 

"Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"

 

The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard  look.  Then he quietly explained,

 

''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

 

You could have
Heard a pin drop.

 

   

[Daft Ada]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it's set in the future".


Daft

May the sauce be with you!

[TBWG]

Magic Sandals

[]

 

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex..'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming in panic: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

 

[TBWG]

Drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.







Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. 















Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.     












The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. 











After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.






 





Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.     









   Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.. 





It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. 










Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. 









Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.   
































.

[urleft]

Differences between conservatives and liberals


A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the conservative side of the fence."

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him..

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and Jesus silenced.

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A liberal will delete it because he's "offended.

[urleft]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump’s haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire.”

The other alien shouted to his comrade, “No, you must not anger him…” but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said “What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?”

The other alien answered, “If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy it’s if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don’t screw with him.

[TBWG]

            VERN'S FUNERAL


Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
So for his birthday she takes him to a local
Strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
This club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
Over him and says...

 
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse

and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
Beside her.


Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
Must have mistaken him for someone else,
But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'




VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[TBWG]

        Postman Pat's Last Day:
           


        It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and
towns.





        When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted
by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.



        At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.



        The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old
Scotch whisky.



        At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in
her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced. When they ;went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a
full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly
squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee,
he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.



        'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but
what's the quid for?'



        'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband
that today would be your last day and that we should do something
special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.



        He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'



        She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

[TBWG]

 The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
>
> The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They
> brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk
> every day and everyone was happy.
>
> They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never
> have to worry about their milk supply again.
>
> They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried
> to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
> No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
> bull and he was never able to do the deed.
>
> The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very
> wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
>
> "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he
> approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from
> the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away
> to the other side."
>
> The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did
> you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
>
> The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had
> brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
> "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
>
> The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland."
>
>
>

[urleft]

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide.

The bartender looks at the man and says, “You ain’t from ‘round here are ya?’

“No,” replies the man, “I’m from Massachusetts.”

The bartender looks at him and says, “Well, what do ya do in Massachusetts?”

“I’m a taxidermist,” said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, “What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?”

“The man says, “I mount animals.”

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...”It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

[TBWG]

            Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community..

            After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during s & x and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

            So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

            So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having s & x. This, the Vet said,would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

            After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the

            young man have s & x with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

            When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a fookin' towel!'

 

[urleft]

Where did “piss poor” come from ?

We older people need to learn something new every day...

Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting History.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.

And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...

if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor". But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...

They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings

Could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests

And would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.

Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,

and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom; “of holding a wake”.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.

So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell” or was "considered a dead ringer”.

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said History was boring!!! So get out there and educate someone! ~~~

Share these facts with a friend. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

'What the heck happened?'

We'll be friends until we are old and senile.

Then we'll be new friends.

Smile, it gives your face something to do!

Soon we'll all be Piss Poor

[urleft]

If “password” is your password, chances are you’ve been the victim of a hack attack.

“Password” is the least successful, according to SplashData’s annual list of worst Internet passwords.

The list, notes Mashable.com, is somewhat predictable. Sequences of adjacent numbers or letters on the keyboard, such as “qwerty” and “123456,” and popular names, such as “ashley” and “michael,” all are common choices. Other common choices, such as “monkey” and “shadow,” are harder to explain.

As some websites have begun to require passwords to include both numbers and letters, it makes sense varied choices, such as “abc123″ and “trustno1,” have become popular choices.

SplashData created the rankings based on millions of stolen passwords posted online by hackers. Here is the complete list:

1. password
2. 123456
3.12345678
4. qwerty
5. abc123
6. monkey
7. 1234567
8. letmein
9. trustno1
10. dragon
11. baseball
12. 111111
13. iloveyou
14. master
15. sunshine
16. ashley
17. bailey
18. passw0rd
19. shadow
20. 123123
21. 654321
22. superman
23. qazwsx
24. michael
25. football

[TBWG]

    Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.....


    Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
    Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
    **************************************************************************************************
    Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
    TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
    Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'
    ****************************************************************************************************
    >From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
    Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
    Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
    **************************************************************************************************
    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
    United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
    ****************************************************************************************************
    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'   
    Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
    ***************************************************************************************************
    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
    San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'
    ****************************************************************************************************   
    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
    Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
    Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

    I thought these were very good....
    ****************************************************************************************************
    Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
    Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
    Tower: ' Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
    BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers.'
    *****************************************************************************************************
    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8  landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'   
    ****************************************************************************************************
    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'
    Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
    Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
    Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'
    *************************************************************************************************
    While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
    'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'

[TBWG]

Mechanic vs. Pilot
Remember it takes a college degree to  fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.


The  mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then  pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be  said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)   and the solutions recorded (marked with an  S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
 
P: Something loose in cockpit. 
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
 
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That's what friction locks are for. 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.. 

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. 

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
 
P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................. 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.