Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

  PRICELESS!

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that..'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said.. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar."

[TBWG]

Subject: FW: Things to know - ENJO


     

     


    In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
     Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
     
    ------------

     
    Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
     It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .
    and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

     ------------

    The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

    ------------


    Coca-Cola was originally green.
     
    ------------

     
    It is impossible to lick your elbow.

    ------------
     

    The cost of raising a medium-size dog
     to the age of eleven:
     £ 10,120.00

     ------------

    The first novel ever
     written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
     
    ------------

    Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
     a great king from history:

    Spades - King David
     
     Hearts - Charlemagne
     
     Clubs -Alexander, the Great
     
     Diamonds - Julius Caesar

     ------------

    111,111,111 x
     111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

    ------------

    If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
     If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
     If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
     of natural causes

    ------------


    Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

    A. One thousand   (I FOUND THIS ONE QUITE INCREDIBLE)

    ------------

    Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
     
     A. All were invented by women.
     
    ------------

    Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
     
     A. Honey

     ------------
     
    In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
     When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
     making the bed firmer to sleep on.
     Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

    ------------

    It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

    ------------

     
    In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
     So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase:                               'mind your P's and Q's'

     ------------

    Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the to get some service. 'Wet your '
     is the phrase inspired by this practice.


     ------------

    At least 75% of people who read this will try to
     lick their elbow!
     

    ------------

    Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
     you can read it.


    I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
     first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
     taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
     is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
     
     istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

     
    ------------
     

    YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...
     

    1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.


    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
     

    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
     of  three.
     
    4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

    5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses..
     
     6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...

    7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom
     of the screen
     
     8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it

    10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting
     your coffee
     
    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

    12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

    13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
     
    14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list.

    15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't
     a 9 on this list

     
     ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~


   

   Stop trying to lick your elbow! 

[TBWG]

   


 

Bill Cosby "I'm 76 and Tired" Worth reading.....
 
 
This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in the UK , United States of America , Canada , Australia and New Zealand etc.
 
"I'm 76 and I'm Tired"

I'm 76. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some some serious health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly 40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as though retirement was a bad idea, and I'm tired. Very tired.
 
I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy to earn it.       
   
I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family "honour"; of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't "believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and Shari'a law tells them to.
   
I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques and mandrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia, New Zealand, UK, America and Canada, while no one from these countries are allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other Arab country to teach love and tolerance.. 
 
I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?
 
I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.
 
I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and early 20's bedeck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.
 
Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 76.. Because, mostly, I'm not going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for my granddaughter and her children.   Thank God I'm on the way out and not on the way in.
 

There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us sends it on!

This is your chance to make a difference.
" I'm 76 and I'm tired.    If you don't forward this you are part of the problem".

 
 
 

 

[TBWG]

Tony Blair-Walking Eagle


On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK , addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for the UK and Europe.

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..
 

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

 

[TBWG]

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)

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What were you
Thinking?


Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

I worry about you Sometimes!     
 

[TBWG]

 

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women

 

which should be far less susceptible to theft.


They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus,


calling it the "Clitaurus."

The average male thief won't even be able to find it,


let alone operate the damn thing.

 

[TBWG]

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

 

Dear Mike,
I hope you can help me. the other day, I set off for work, leaving my
husband watching TV. My car broke about a mile down the way.
I had to walk back to my house to get the help of my husband. when I got
home I couldn't believe my eyes.
My husband was having sex with our neighbour's daughter! I am 32, my husband
is 34 and the neighbors daughter is 19.
We have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and told me that they had been having
an affair for 6 months.
He won't go to counselling and I am a wreck and need advice immediately.
Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Sheila.

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it is clear, check the hoses and vacuum pipes on the intake manifold and
also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, then the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the engines.
I hope this helps,
Mike.

[TBWG]

Subject: Fwd: Did I read that sign correctly?

 

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

[TBWG]

The cowboy

 

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man

standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. 

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him

of his great ambition to be a great shot... 

‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked. 

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -  tie the

holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'   

'Sure will '

the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie

off the piano player. 

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy.  'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -

that’ll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur,

and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here.  Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.

'See that axle grease over there?  Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,

he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.’

 

 

 

[TBWG]

 My friend,  who is a the head of Human Resources at a very large bank, says
that the best excuse for absenteeism,  that he had ever received in his
career of almost 22 years,  was from a female Indian employee,  at their
bank's head quarters at Mumbai,  India,  in July,  2010.


    He says when the lady,  was questioned on why she remained absent the
    previous day,  she simply replied .......

    " But sir,  I had no option.   My husband was on casual leave yesterday and
    was at home.   By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our
    medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra  !

    Now how could I have left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid  ? "

[TBWG]

A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
 
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”
 
“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.”
 
“That's right,” said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.
 
“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”
 
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
 
“Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”

[TBWG]

            The Irish Funeral

         

        A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

        The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

        "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

        "My wife's."

    ''What happened to her?"

    "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

    A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[pfbrown]

Thank you TBWG, you make my day every time you post ! Your hard work is appreciated, you have a big following among my friends!

[TBWG]

Thanks pfb

I particularly like the Tony Blair  ~~  Walking Eagle one!

TBWG

[urleft]

Some succeed in licking their elbows