Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”

“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”


TBWG

[TBWG]

A Short Neurological Test 



1- Find the C below. Please do not use any cursor help.

 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
   

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 
   

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

 MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
 MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
 MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
 MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
 MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
   

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer. 
   

Congratulations!   

TBWG

[TBWG]

 What is Old?

 What is Old?

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!"


"OLD" IS WHEN…. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


"OLD" IS WHEN… A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.



"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee

TBWG

[Admin]

Depressing!! 

Old is when you look at young people doing the SAME things you did when you were younger and think they are irresponsible. 

[TBWG]

 just got a leaflet out from my letterbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73!

 
I'm sooooo happy, because I live at number 67..... 
so it's not far to walk home afterwards!   


TBWG

[urleft]

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm. I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye. They need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote someone had left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs..

But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers. Quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail..... Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! 

[TBWG]

An inspiration


 

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.  Harold Schlumberg is such a person.



I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?


 

Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and margaritas into urine.   


 

Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.


TBWG

[TBWG]

I WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!

 

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !


First, we survived being born to mothers who drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer..


Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle...


Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.


Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy  Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......


WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd  films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!



We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.



Only girls had pierced ears!



We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.



You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...



We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,



We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!



RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT 



Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.





The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!



Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'



We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !




And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.



TBWG

[FTE]

WHAT RINGS MY BELL IS SAD OLD BLOKE LIKE U TBWG GET A LIFE

[TBWG]

Hi FTE

Quite astute of you to recognise my Sad Old Git status ~~ glad that rings your bell. As they say it takes one to know one!

As for getting a life I am quite content as it is, thank you.

TBWG 

PS:  FYI Caps lock button is near bottom left of keyboard.

[den Buut]

WHAT RINGS MY BELL IS SAD OLD BLOKE LIKE U TBWG GET A LIFE

You must be a real frustrated little man, ain't ya?

[den Buut]

WHAT RINGS MY BELL IS SAD OLD BLOKE LIKE U TBWG GET A LIFE

You must be a real frustrated little man, ain't ya?

Oh yeah, something's wrong with your Caps Lock, have it checked.

[TBWG]

What drives teachers to drink!

The following questions were set in last year's examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery             

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                                 

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                                                                 

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium           

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.             

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.         

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.           

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   

 Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


TBWG

[TBWG]

    The  Light

 
A  75-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his  tests come back with normal results. The doctor  says, 'Ray, everything looks great. How are you  doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace  with God?'

Ray replies,  'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor  eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in  the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,  *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done,  *poof*!, the light goes  off.'

'Wow, that's  incredible,' the doctor  says.

A little later  in the day, the doctor calls Ray's wife. '  Gail ,' he says, 'Ray is doing fine but I had to  call you because I'm in awe of his relationship  with God. Is it true that he gets up during the  night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the  bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light  goes  off?'

'OH MY!' Gail  exclaims.  'He's pissing in the fridge  again!!!!'

[TBWG]

ONIONS &  CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table.. The son  asks his father, 'Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?

The  father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50,
they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make  you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the  daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are  there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,
a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'