Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

A man with no enemies.  Let's hope we can do the same!!!! 
 
 
 
 
Meet Walter
 
All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
   
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
   
80% held up their hands.  The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. 
   
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" 
   
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly. 
   
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.  How old are you?" 
   
"Ninety-eight," he replied  The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. 
   
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" 
   
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
 
Then he calmly returned to his seat.
 
 

[TBWG]

The Adjutant

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, ?You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he?s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.?

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
?Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.?
?Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the
regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
behind enemy lines. I?ve represented Great Britain in equestrian
events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the
Olympics. I have researched the history of?..?

At that point, the colonel interrupted, ?Yes, yes, never mind that
Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day
you told the witch doctor to x off.?

[jivvy]

Motto to the married man (in Latin):

"Semper in excremento iaces,solum altitudo varia"

Roughly translates to:

"You're always in the shit, it's only the depth that ever varies"

[jivvy]

20 things you can only say at Christmas...

1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smooth the butter all over the breasts.
4. If I don't undo my trousers I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread.
6. I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin...
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20. Wow! I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

Happy Christmas!

[Smithy]

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves.What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet 

[TBWG]

 

                      The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. 

 

 

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you .  Walking is especially beneficial.

     It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. 

 

 

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." 

 

 

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together.

      It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

         In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." 

 

 

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. 

 

 

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. 

 

 

 

 

"Yes?"  said the Instructor.

 

 

 

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" 

 

 

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? 

 

 

  This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught .

 

 

[TBWG]

The rain was pouring down. There standing in front of a big puddle outside

the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of

string dangling in the water.


 

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"


 

"Fishing" replied the old man.


 

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and

have a drink with me."


 

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a

bit of a smart ass,  cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught

today?"


 

"You're the eighth", says the old man.



 

[TBWG]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.


So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and exits his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his 'privates' and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."


He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.


"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.


"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." 

 

[TBWG]

he only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year
Old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars
Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks as if the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

 

 

[TBWG]

Great Sex Quotes ?

 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner

 

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

 


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

 


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

 

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)     

 


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

 


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

 


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld

 


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

 


"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

 

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

 


You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips

 

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

[TBWG]

Subject: Government Benefits

Went down this morning to the Government Benefits Office to sign-up my dog Jeff, an Afghan Hound (sort of).

The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits."

I explained to her that my Dog is not a Christian, he is black, unemployed, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.

He gets his first cheque on Friday ? Plus Food Stamps and a free cell phone.

[TBWG]

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though, he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

 

No wait...Sorry.


 

I'm thinking of whisky. It's whisky that does that.
Never mind...

[TBWG]

An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!

 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

 

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

 

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

 

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

 

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

 

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.  If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

[TBWG]

An Aussie walks into a  pub and takes a seat

next to a very attractive woman.   
He gives her a quick glance

then casually looks at his watch for a moment. 

The woman notices this and asks,

'Is your date running late?' 
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch,

and I was just testing it..' 
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? 
''What's so special about it?' 
The Aussie explains,

'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' 
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' 

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' 
The woman giggles and replies 
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' 

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

[urleft]

It's gator mating season be careful out there!!!


Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.


Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol:


This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.

It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!