Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

Nudist cricket

[Adam]

!

[jivvy]

 

[urleft]

Provided a sample to the Hospital the other day:

[urleft]

.

[jivvy]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, “Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, “Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, “Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”
Little Johnny sitting nearby looked at her, “By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?” “Why, yes I am… How did you know?” He leaned closer, winked and whispered, “Hickory dickory dock…

[jivvy]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?"
"Damn if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself!"

[urleft]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them comes up to the man - touches his penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

    1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

    2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.

    3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

    4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.

    5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

    BONUS RULE:
    Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
    A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

[jivvy]

THE CLOCK!
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, up there, "We're using it as a ceiling fan.

[jivvy]

 

[urleft]

Happy Groundhog day.  (if you haven't seen the movie it is worth it, if you have then experience deja vu all over again)

[urleft]

Opposing views: 

[TBWG]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
 
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you $100.00 if you let me
have sex with you.' But the girl said NO.
 
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up.'
 
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend.  So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
 
Her boyfriend said, 'Ask him for $200.00, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'
 
So she agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour
went by, and the boyfriend was waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
 
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend called and
asked what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!
 
Management lesson:    Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed !

[jivvy]

Mummy," asks Susie, "why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?"
"Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it. You'll have to ask her."
"Granny," ask Susie the next time her grandmother visited, "why do you and Mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?"
"Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it," says Susie's granny. "You'll have to ask her."
"Great Granny," asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile great grandmother at the nursing home, "why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?"
"Oh, for FUCKS sake" says Great Granny, "are they still using that fucking small pan?"

[jivvy]