Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
 
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George  Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon   Stone 
 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods 
 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
 
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."   
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)     
 

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams 
 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman 
 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld 
 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams 
 

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom ."
Joan Rivers
 
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin 
 

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips 
 
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
 
 

[TBWG]

 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
>
> 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
>
> 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
>
> 4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
>
> 5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
>
> 6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
>
> 7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
>
> 8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
>
> 9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
>
>
> Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.

[Sofa_King]

Disney's new film called "Rose Red" - the world's first Liverpudlian l version of "Snow White" - has been put on hold due to an industrial dispute.
All 7 Liverpudlian dwarfs, Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Carjacker, Shoplifter, Drinker and Basher, have walked off the set after refusing to sing the "Hi Ho!" song.
All 7 are insisting that they have no f***ing intention of singing "It's off to work we go."

 

[TBWG]

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said,"Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I'm disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding.They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

He answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."

[Sofa_King]

Nurses Usually Don't Laugh

Nurses (usually) don't laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said David, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop laughing, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said , "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," David replied.

She ran out of the room. 

[TBWG]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSFWgKl-O-A

[jivvy]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it…

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.”

He continued, “Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!”

[TBWG]

This is a very touching short story that should bring tears to your eyes.




Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the  flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. 


Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless  man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.




As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating  lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.



I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before  for this homeless man. 


And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
 





As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

  Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

[TBWG]

Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob.
 
How can I help you?
 
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
 
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
 
You know, just the usual signs:  The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up.
 
Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot.
 
I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.
 
Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home.
 
So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her.
 
When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse.
 
Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
 
It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the
outboard motor mounting bracket.
 
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
 

[TBWG]

Subject: Buttock tattoo terror lands pair in hospital! Rotherham Gazette
 
A Winters Tail..

> A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both requiring emergency hospital treatment.
>
> Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had
> visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
>
> "It was a big job in more ways than one." he told us "I'd just lit a roll up
> and was finishing off a centurion's helmet. It's delicate, close work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston's whip, and a hissing sound - more of a whoosh than a rasp - and before I know what's happening, there's a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beard's gone up like an Aussie bush fire."
>
> Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn
> around and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
>
> "To be honest", said Jason, "I didn't even realise she was wearing one.
> You'd need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She
> could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I'd have been none the
> wiser."
> Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital Accident & Emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
>
> "I'm furious" said Jason, "I've got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there anymore. I don't know about Ben Hur - Gone with The Wind's more like it. You don't just let rip in someone's face like that.
> It's dangerous."
>
> But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; "I'm still in agony," she
> said, "and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney-bloody-Poitier now.  Jason shouldn't have had a fag on the go and there's no way I'd guff on purpose.
> He'd had me on all fours for nearly an hour.  I can only put up with that
> for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that.  I give him my five second warning and I'd have done the same for Jason, but I didn't get chance - it just crept out."
>
> Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire & Rescue service wasn't surprised when we told him what had happened "People just don't appreciate the dangers", he told us, "We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan 'Flame 'n x - keep 'em apart'.  Anyone engaging
> in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future."

[urleft]

I am sharing a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI!! It saved me!!

As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends. Well, last week, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a Christmas Party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican restaurant!!

Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was “slightly” over the limit. That’s when I did something I’ve never done before - I took a Taxi home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a Taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a Taxi!!

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a Taxi before. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.

[Starman]

RCI at it's best.

55555555555

[TBWG]

Subject: FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE
 
 
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?"
 
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my
twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns;
then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the
back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go
to bed and wait for Father Christmas
to come with all our toys."
 
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy
Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
 
"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church
with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we
get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
chimney and we hang up our stockings. We
hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our
presents."
 
Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not
wanting to leave him out of the discussion,
she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at
Christmas?"
 
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year .
. . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile
into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the
empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: 'What A Friend We
Have in Jesus'.  Then we all go to the Bahamas."       
 
 
 

[TBWG]

The Irish Furniture Dealer
 Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
 After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
 As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
 Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
 He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
 After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,  and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
  They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
 She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
 Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
 To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[TBWG]

Scottish Diplomacy
 
One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
 
HIS STATEMENT: 'If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Scottish soldier’s life, then I have only three things to say; Red is positive, Black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet.’