Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

Long but worth the read!

Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'Go Lightly,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss Go Lightly in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the Go Lightly. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because Go Lightly tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for Go Lightly, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
Go Lightly is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the Go Lightly experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of Go Lightly, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of Go Lightly spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their Go Lightly.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[TBWG]

 EITHER YOUR GRANDPARENTS OR GRANDPARENTS WERE LIVING DURING THIS TIME PERIOD.
>
>
>
> THE YEAR IS 1915
>
>
>
> This will boggle your mind!
>
>
>
> The year is 1915 “One hundred years ago”. What a difference a century makes!
>
>
> Here are some statistics for the Year 1915:
>
>
> The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
>

>
> Fuel for cars was sold in chemists only.
>
>
> Only 14 percent of the homes had a bath.
>
> Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

>
> The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
>
>
> The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
>
>
> The average British wage in 1915 was £15 per year!
>

>
> A competent accountant could expect to earn £800 per year.
>
>>
>
> A dentist £900 per year.
>>
> A vet between £600 and £900 per year.
>
>
> And, a mechanical engineer about £2000 per year.

> More than 95 percent of all births took place at home

> Ninety percent of all Doctors had no university education!
>
>
> Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
>>
> Sugar cost two pence  a pound.

>
> Eggs were 10 pence a dozen.
>
>>
> Coffee was five pence a pound.
>

>
> Most women only washed their hair once a month, and, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
>
>
> Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
>
>
> The Five leading causes of death were:

> 1. Pneumonia and influenza
>
>
> 2. Tuberculosis
>
> 3. Diarrhoea
>
>
> 4. Heart disease
>
> 5. Stroke
>
>
> The American flag had 45 stars.
>
>
>
> The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.
>

>
> Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
>
>
> There was neither a Mother's Day nor a Father's Day.
>

>
> Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and, only 6 percent of all British pupils went to universty.
>

> Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner chemists.
>
>
>
> Back then chemists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!" (Shocking?)
>
>
 
>
> Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help...
>
>
>
> There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.! In 2014 this figure had risen to 14,249.
>
>
> In the UK the murder rate in 1915 was 1420. In 2015 it was 537. (Perhaps we are doing something right!)
>

>
> I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.
>
>
> From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD all in a matter of seconds!
>
>
>
> Can you imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
>

>


 

[TBWG]

A  beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute  Mexican refugee Outside an Arizona  immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy  said, "I've been sent here by President Obama  and told to grant you three wishes, since you  just arrived in the United States with your  wife and eight children."

The man told  the fairy,  "Well, where I come from we  don't have the good
Teeth, so I want new  teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The  fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin  and
-- PING!—he Had a brand new shining set  of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?"  asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
The  refugee claimant now got bolder.
"I need a  big house with a three Car garage in Phoenix on the water with eight bedrooms for my family  and the rest of my relatives who still live in  my country..  I want to bring them all over  here"
--- and -- PING!-- in the distance there  could Be seen a beautiful mansion with a  three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout  patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood  overlooking the water.

"One more wish",  said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes,  one more wish.  I want to be like an  American with American Clothes instead of  these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead  of This sombrero.  And I want to have  white skin like Americans"
---and --- PING!  -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out  jeans, a Diamond-Backs T-shirt and a baseball  cap.  He had his bad teeth back and the  mansion had disappeared from the  horizon.

"What happened to my new  teeth?"  He wailed, "Where is my new  house?"

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . .  .NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . ..  . . .

The fairy said:  "Tough s#@t,  Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you  have to fend for yourself."

[TBWG]

Fred and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Fred didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Fred hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Fred lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Fred, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Fred!
Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, “For crying out loud Fred, what in the world happened to you?” 
Fred replied, “I have been in jail.” 
“Jail!” cried Bob. “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Fred said, “you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Bob, “I remember her. What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 95 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.”
“The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”
 

[dimple joe]

Must tell you about golf last Thursday.

I'd seen the news about the bombings in Brussels and the blokes wearing a single glove on their left hand.

Bugger me looking around as we waited to tee off - everyone had one glove - and on their left hand.......... spooky or what?

[TBWG]

King of Beers

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senior, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle

from the shelf and gives it to him.



The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.



The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.



The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.



The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies

"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[TBWG]

Every time I read this quote it makes one think that the brain only learned a little over thousands of years and here we are again… same old repeat and repeat....how very sad.
BEST QUOTE OF ANY ERA!

“The Budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome will become bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero , 55 BC

So, evidently we've learned NOTHING over the past 2,069 years.

[TBWG]

Some  Timeless Thoughts on Sex:


"SEX, the position ridiculous, the pleasure fleeting, the expense damnable."
-Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield

"THE KISS: a wordless articulation of desire, whose object lies in the future ...and due south."
-Magellan

"Sex is like air.  It's not important ...unless you ain't getting any."
-Jack Carter

"I'd like to think outside your box."
-Copernicus to his wife

"Bisexuality:  Immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
-Rodney Dangerfield
 
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight don't matter." 
 -William Miller 

The first silicone valley submissions:
"Why women STILL use Internet Explorer? They like it nice and slow."
"Men are like Bluetooth. When they're close, they're connected.  When they move further away, they start looking for new equipment."
"Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to pay support for a lifetime."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But a man can fake an entire fu*king relationship."
 -Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-Jack Nicholson

"The true Don Juan needs to learn to dress not only tastefully …but very quickly."
-Jonathan Winters

"Clinton obviously  lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it was." 
-Barbara Bush (Former First Lady)     

"Why do men suddenly become smarter during sex?  Because they're plugged into genius."
-Charlize Theron

"Silence doesn't necessarily mean your sexual performance left her speechless (asshole)!".
-Cameron Diaz

"Ah, yes, Divorce: from the Latin, meaning 'to rip a man's genitals, out through his wallet'."
-Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" 
-Billy Crystal

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to play golf with a rope."   
-Bob Hope

"Just remember, I run faster horny, than you do scared."
-Robin Williams

"Love is like a troublesome machine.  Sometimes to fix it, you need a really good screw."
-David Brenner

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-Robert De Niro

"What's long and hard and has cum in it?  A cucumber, you dirty-minded bastard."
-John Candy

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for FREE is that sex for money costs a helluva lot less."
-Sid Caesar

"How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He has a pulse."
-Gloria Vanderbilt

"Woman's favorite new position:  CEO"
-Gloria Steinem

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a damn good hand."
-Jonathan Winters

"Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people can get laid."
-Robin Williams
 
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
Sooo, what exactly's the problem here?"
-Dustin Hoffman

"Then there was the guy who died of a Viagra overdose.  The service went fine, half the women in town showed up, but they couldn't close the casket."
-Hugh Heffner
 
Why there's very little advice in men's magazines?  Because men think: 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!’
-Jerry Seinfeld
 
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough red blood cells, to run one at a time."
-Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."   
-Joan Rivers  (whose lover told her to 'turn off the lights' …so she shut the car door.)

"Sex: one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." 
-Steve Martin
 
"You don't appreciate a LOT of stuff in grade school until you get much older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman
…stuff you pay good money for later in life."
-Elmo Phillips 

"Sex on an elevator is wrong on SO many levels!"
-The New Yorker

"Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan ...even when they're happy."
-Ed McMahon

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
-Oscar Wilde

"My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.  So I went out and got shitfaced drunk."
-Henny Youngman, Geraldine uncensored

"Ah, yes, the Statue of Liberty.  The last time I was inside a woman."
-Phil Hartman

"3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time a girl calls you handsome,
you might want to think twice about taking it as a compliment!"
-John Tipton

"What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?  You finally have a man's undivided attention!"
-Marlene Dietrich

"The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette."
-Sagittarian reflections

"For my next trick I'll need a condom and a volunteer."
-Johnny Carson

"Don't judge women by kilos, lest ye be judged by centimeters."
-Pythagoras

"Jewish foreplay:  An hour of begging."
-Woody Allen
 
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
-George Burns

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer."
-Professor Emeritus

"Virginity is like a soapbubble.  One prick and it's gone forever."
-Gilda Radner

"Nevada city regulation forced the cat house to suspend operations on Sundays.  So they put a sign out: "Beat it, we're closed."

"A new amendment before Congress finally makes it illegal for lawyers to have sex with their clients. 
The simple logic?  One shouldn't be billed twice for the same service."

"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
-Plato

"The iron rule of a true leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will always be the first."

"The three words women HATE to hear during sex:
"Honey, I'm home!""
-Betty White

"What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married."
-Henny Youngman

"Miracle Whip: named after a 90 year old founder ...who could still successfully masturbate."

Ford Fairlane's standard pickup line: 
"Screw me if I'm wrong, but haven't we met before?"

"The gift of 72 virgins?  Proof of HELL, not Heaven."
-Pila

"Sex without love is a totally meaningless experience...
BUT, as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good."
-Bernie Mac

 "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal in women.
Chief among these is the Bentley Continental GT." 
-Sandala

=

[TBWG]

Sometimes people come up with some great ANSWERS! (or questions) 
 
 
...Great Answer!
 
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster
and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting
his military Headquarters.
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
 
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
 
The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
God, I would pay money to have seen her face.
 

[TBWG]

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar.  Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."
 
Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
 
Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
 
Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
 
Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
 
Hillary: "Turning our backs on Israel?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
 
Hillary: "The joke Iran Nuke deal?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
 
Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens'?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet"
Trump: "No, the other one."
 
Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and China when Bill left Office? I almost forgot about that one".
Trump: "THAT'S IT!  THAT'S THE ONE!"
                         **********
Everything above is true. Yet she still gets the Democratic votes.
Does anyone understand this??? I think we're doomed!!!
 

[pablo]

^^^^^

Oh c'mon man!

It's just those vast right wing conspiricies.

[TBWG]

Good joke 'bout old golfers!!!
 
 
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
 
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot.  The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles.
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?
"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

[TBWG]

Subject: Senior trying to re-set password...

 
Variation on a theme…
> WINDOWS : Please enter your new  password.
> USER : cabbage
> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
> USER: boiled cabbage

> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
> USER : 1 boiled cabbage
> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot have blank  spaces.
> USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
> USER : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot use more than
> one upper case character consecutively.

> USER : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot contain
> punctuation.

> USER :
> ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

> WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
 

[TBWG]

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
 

[TBWG]

TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Vicar, I'll tell you, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The Vicar said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The Vicar said, 'No shit?'
 
 
=============================================================================
 
 
 
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
 
 
 
==============================================================================
 
 
 
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.
'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
 
 
=============================================================================================================
 
 
 
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Brisbane .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germ s in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
 
 
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SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His mates at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.' So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 95.'
 
 
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SUNDAY
A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland .
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!