Ring any bells?

[jivvy]

My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.
 "Where are you?" she moaned.
 "I'm at the pub." I replied.
 She said, "I think the baby's coming!"
 I said, "She won't get in,... she's under-age."

[TBWG]

 Butch the Rooster
>
> Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young
pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
>
>
>
> She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and
was
replaced.
>
>
>
>  This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them
to
her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a
distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
>
>
>
>
>
> Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this
morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to
investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover.
>
>
>
> To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
>
>  Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became
an
overnight sensation among the judges.
>
>
>
>
>
> The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace
Prize"
they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
>
> Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician
could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention?
>
>  Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
>
>

[TBWG]

From now on, I believe in the Prophet Muhammed.......................
 
 
 
I decided to go to the local mosque for the first time to see what it
was all about:
 
 
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and
said:
 
 
"By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you will walk ; today."
 
 
I told him I wasn't paralyzed, I only had a small bunion on my left
foot.
 
 
He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly
repeated his mantra:
 
 
"By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you will walk today."
 
 
 
 
 
 
Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
 
 
 
 
After prayers I stepped outside --- and f*** me ----
 
 
SOME BASTARD HAD STOLEN MY CAR !!!!
 
 
 

[TBWG]

 Important news on UK pensions
 Fantastic news concerning pensions
and Benefits in the UK
 


نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقشديوار و چشم
خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگررفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگر رفت سايهپيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفتسايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفتسايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايهپيدانيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا
ني ست نقش

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

[TBWG]

SCHOOL MATES

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND

THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL THEN......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS WENDY MULLEN AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR

MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL

DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH

THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD

YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK

THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR

TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I

ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL.

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED.

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?

[TBWG]

>>
>> I got no respect from my old man. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He says, "Run off a cliff."
>>
>> I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
>>
>> My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
>>
>> It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
>>
>> Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only problem was that she was coming home.
>>
>> A girl phones me and says, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
>>
>> A hooker once told me she had a headache.
>>
>> If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
>>
>> I was making love to this girl and she starts crying. I say, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'  She says, 'No, I hate myself now.'
>>
>> I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
>>
>> My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang  themselves.
>>
>> I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
>>
>> The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
>>
>> My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
>>
>> I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
>>
>> My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
>>
>> My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
>>
>> My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
>>
>> It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
>> I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
>>
>> I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
>>
>> I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
>>
>> I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
>>
>> I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
>>
>> I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
>>   
>> Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
>>
>> My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
>>
>> I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
>>
>> I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.  What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
>>
>> I went to the doctor because I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
>> My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
>>
>> One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
>>
>> My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
>>

[TBWG]

                                               The Old Rancher
The banker saw his old friend, Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
 
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
 
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.  "How's the new wife?", asked the banker.
 
Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant." 
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,    "And how's the hired hand?"
 Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
 
                                            Don't underestimate old guys...
 

[TBWG]

A Wee Scottish Tale.

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts,

'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The man replies,

'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'

The keeper replies,

'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!

[TBWG]

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A KING WHO WANTED TO GO FISHING. _
> >
> >_HE CALLED THE ROYAL WEATHER FORECASTER AND INQUIRED AS TO THE
> WEATHER
>
> >FORECAST FOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS. THE WEATHERMAN ASSURED HIM THAT
> THERE
>
> >WAS NO CHANCE OF RAIN IN THE COMING DAYS. _
>
> >
>
> >_SO THE KING WENT FISHING WITH HIS WIFE, THE QUEEN. ON THE WAY HE
>
> >MET A FARMER ON HIS DONKEY. UPON SEEING THE KING THE FARMER SAID,
>
> >"YOUR MAJESTY, YOU SHOULD RETURN TO THE PALACE AT ONCE BECAUSE IN
> JUST
>
> >A SHORT TIME I EXPECT A HUGE AMOUNT OF RAIN TO FALL IN THIS AREA". !
> _
>
> >
>
> >_THE KING WAS POLITE AND CONSIDERATE, HE REPLIED: "I HOLD THE PALACE
>
> >METEOROLOGIST IN HIGH REGARD. HE IS AN EXTENSIVELY EDUCATED AND
>
> >EXPERIENCED PROFESSIONAL. AND BESIDES, I PAY HIM VERY HIGH WAGES. HE
>
> >GAVE ME A VERY DIFFERENT FORECAST. I TRUST HIM AND I WILL CONTINUE ON
>
> >MY WAY." SO HE CONTINUED ON HIS WAY. _
>
> >
>
> >_HOWEVER, A SHORT TIME LATER A TORRENTIAL RAIN FELL FROM THE SKY.
>
> >THE KING AND QUEEN WERE TOTALLY SOAKED AND THEIR ENTOURAGE CHUCKLED
>
> >UPON SEEING THEM IN SUCH A SHAMEFUL CONDITION. _
>
> >
>
> >_FURIOUS, THE KING RETURNED TO THE PALACE AND GAVE THE ORDER TO FIRE
>
> >THE PROFESSIONAL. THEN HE SUMMONED THE FARMER AND OFFERED HIM THE
>
> >PRESTIGIOUS AND HIGH PAYING ROLE OF ROYAL FORECASTER._
>
> >
>
> >_THE FARMER SAID, "YOUR MAJESTY, I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
>
> >FORECASTING. I OBTAIN MY INFORMATION FROM MY DONKEY. IF I SEE MY
>
> >DONKEY'S EARS DROOPING, IT MEANS WITH CERTAINTY THAT IT WILL RAIN." _
>
> >
>
> >_SO THE KING HIRED THE DONKEY. _
>
> >
>
> >_AND THUS BEGAN THE PRACTICE OF HIRING DUMB ASSES TO WORK IN THE
>
> >GOVERNMENT AND OCCUPY ITS HIGHEST AND MOST INFLUENTIAL POSITIONS. _
>
> >
>
> >_AND THE PRACTICE IS UNBROKEN TO THIS DATE..._
>

[TBWG]

At  halftime during the football game, the team coach called one of his 9-year-old football

players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. 

"Do you understand that what matters is, whether we win or lose, we win or lose together,

as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is whistled for, you shouldn't

argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance

to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"

"No, sir."

"Good", replied the coach. "Now please go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

[TBWG]

Subject: FW: Before You put your camel to bed

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, said:
 
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
 
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, 'The Turban Cowboy,' and the other, a topless bar, would be called 'You Mecca Me Hot.'
 
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called 'Iraq of Ribs.'
 
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called 'Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret,'  with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and on the other side a liquor store called 'Morehammered.'
 
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”
 

Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.  And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point...  It is either past your bedtime, or its midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.

[TBWG]

  Worrying about stuff...
>
>>>>> 
>>>>> As I was coming home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family’s lives, my friends’ lives,
>>>>> and what’s happening in Paris,
>>>>> Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary Clinton, Jeb, Trump, Fox News, CNN, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border,
>>>>> the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity, I saw a yard sign that
>>>>> said:
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> NEED HELP?
>>>>>
>>>>> CALL JESUS
>>>>>
>>>>> 1-800-555-3787
>>>>>
>>>>> Out of curiosity and desperation,
>>>>> I called the number.
>>>>> A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
>>>>>
>>>>> 

[TBWG]

The Villages Dating Ads
Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper .

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of
anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in
''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.
(Who says seniors don't have
a sense of humor?)


FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------

SERENITY NOW
:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------

WINNING SMILE
:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------

BEATLES OR STONES
?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------

MEMORIES
:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.
----------------------------------------------------
My favorite


MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
 
 
Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

[TBWG]

.

[TBWG]

.