Ring any bells?

[urleft]

50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.    Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night..   Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' 

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.  She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.

The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......  On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.  And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
                                                           

So--- Here I am!

[urleft]

Wow, do this kid nail it:




Gotta love those grand-kids ..
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull Shit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

[TBWG]

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.  And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?                                   
Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.  Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
"The Isis group," she says.
"Why them?," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.  And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot.  And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.  "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them."
 

[TBWG]

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is
  hilarious.  From a show on Canadian TV,
 where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.

 "Yep, that's right -  I miss Bill Clinton!  He was the closest
 thing we ever got to  having a real black man as President.

 *He played the sax.
 *He smoked weed.
 *He had his way with ugly white women*

 Even now? Look at  him ... his wife works, and he doesn't!

 And, he gets a  cheque from the government every  month.

 *Manufacturers  announced that they  will be stocking  America's shelves  this week with "
  Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'  distinguished men.  It consists  primarily of a
  weenie in hot water.

 *Chrysler  Corporation is adding a new car to  its line to honour  Bill Clinton. The
 Dodge Drafter will  be built in Canada.

 *When asked what he  thought about  foreign affairs,
 Clinton replied, "I  don't know, I never  had one."

 *The Clinton revised  judicial oath: "I  solemnly swear to  tell the truth as I  know it, the whole
 truth as I believe  it to be, and nothing but what  I think you need to
 know."

 *Clinton will be  recorded in history  as the only  President to do  Hanky Panky between
  the Bushes."

[TBWG]

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

 

[TBWG]

It's an old one but still enjoyable


 
 
 
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.    So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.   
 

 
 A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:   

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"   

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."   

"Don't go any further.. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."   

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."   

"Oh, really!  What'd he say ?"     
 


He said: "Who the F *ck did your hair?"
 

[TBWG]

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.
 
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation

Can also be very dangerous. In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.
 

The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours, you are

Supposed to call the doctor." It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

 
 

[TBWG]

So, I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim Bookshop. 

The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims. 

The Clerk said, “F*ck off, get out, and stay out.” 

I said, “Yes, that's the one.

[TBWG]

The Bravest Joke Teller Ever:
 An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
 The bar immediately falls silent.
 In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I
 think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1.. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2.. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-club.
3.. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde with a black belt in karate.
4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5.. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy . . . Do you still wanna tell
 that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second and mutters, 'No . . . not if I'm
 gonna have to explain it five times . . . . . . . . '

[urleft]

 
 
 
 
 

THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
 
Pass on to all 50yrs. and older & anyone else who could benefit.
 
Cardiovascular Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   

 
 
NOW SCROLL UP
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine.

[Westlife]

Bob's wife dies , so after a few weeks his mate Terry pop's in to see him to find out how he's is doing.
Bob say's " I'm fine but the only problem is it's a bit quiet in the evenings as I haven't anybody to talk too".
Terry say's" Why don't you get yourself a Budgerigar"
So Bob goes down to the Pet-shop and buys a Budgie' .
Terry goes to see Bob to find out how he's getting along with his new Budgie.
Bob say's " The Budgie is not talking yet "
Terry say's "You want to go and buy him a Mirror , that will get him Talking "
So Bob buys a mirror and after 2 days the Budgie is still not talking so Terry say's "You want to go and buy him a Bell,he'll ring the bell with his little beak and will soon be talking "
So Bob goes and buys the Budgie a bell and after 2 more days the Budgie is still not talking ,so Terry say's" You want to go and buy him a little ladder,he's be running up and down that ladder and he'll be talking in no time" .
So Bob goes and buy the Budgie a Ladder.
A few days later Terry goes to see Bob to find out if the Budgie is talking yet.
Bob say's to Terry " I've got some sad news ...the Budgie is dead but he did say something before he died".!!!
Terry say's " What did he say "
Bob replies " Food "
 

[TBWG]

An old one but maybe new to non brits!

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this
is English humour at its best.
Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about
the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest
price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago
arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably Southampton): "That
will be £10 mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a
brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"

Even John Humphries had a .

[urleft]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his
badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
 
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we
won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say,
 
"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of
here. Hang in there”.
 
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,
 
"William, relax buddy, don't get upset.
We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
 
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car.
 
She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know
how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter
how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things
would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
 
"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William,
this little monster's name is Timmy".

[TBWG]

Not really a joke, but worth a read ......

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?"
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."
SON: "Oh! (With his head down).
SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow $50?"
The father was furious.
DAD: "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behaviour."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

DAD: "Are you asleep, son?"

SON: "No daddy, I'm awake".
DAD: "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
SON: "Oh, thank you daddy!"
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: "Why do you want more money if you already have some?"

SON: "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do.

"Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

[TBWG]

The Squeezer
The local bar was so sure thats its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried ..... overtime: weightlifters, dockers, etc, but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok". grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence ..... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon .... and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue"