Ring any bells?

[urleft]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing...
 
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
 
Sergeant: What is her height?
 
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
 
Sergeant: Weight?
 
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
 
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
 
Husband: Never noticed.
 
Sergeant: Color of hair?
 
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
 
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
 
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
 
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
 
Husband: She went in my truck.
 
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
 
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.
 
At this point the husband started choking up.
 
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[TBWG]

Ron Chestna, 89 years of age, was stopped by police around 2 a.m. and was
asked where he was going at that time of night .

   Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human
body, as well as smoking and staying out late.
  The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
 
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
 

[TBWG]

.

[Somnat]

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget....

Furious, she screams, "You promised you wouldn't cheat again .... !"

The husband replies, "For f*** sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down ........"

 

[TBWG]

 U.S. Marines Rescue 34 ISIS Sex Slaves

[urleft]

And this is from my kind of buddy:   




Late Monday morning, the grizzled Marine fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.



He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital's ICU, with tubes up every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He remembered he'd been in a "no shit" serious flying accident on Saturday.

The nurse gave the fighter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say:
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

 Somehow he managed to mumble in reply:
  "Can I feel your tits, then?"

  AND THAT, MY FRIENDS,  IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

[Somnat]

A drunk man smelling of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
 
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
 
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
 
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
 
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be darned”, and returned to his paper.
 
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
 
The drunk answered, ” Oh, I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

[TBWG]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do. "
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
 
 
 

[TBWG]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.

I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honour.

 I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

 "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"




 "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.




 "I drew two circles like this: o O.





Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison.................."

[smoooth2]

A woman decides to have a splurge on her 50th birthday and get a complete facelift job.

She spends 300,000 baht and feels really good about the results.

On her way home, she stops to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she asks the seller, "How old do you think I am ?"

"About 32 " came the reply.

"Nope. I'm exactly 50 " the woman says happily.

A little while late she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29 "

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50 "

Now she is feeling really good about herself. She stops in a pharmacy for some cosmetics and asks the sales girl the same question.

"Oh ... I'd say about 30 " says the assistant.

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you !"

Whilst waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an elderly farang sitting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady ... I'm 78 and my eyesight is now not too good, but when I was younger I had a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds a bit naughty, but if you will allow me to fondle your breasts, I can tell your exact age."

They wait in silence for a few minutes until curiosity finally gets the better of her.

"What the hell ... go ahead " she says.

He slips both hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a long while and much fumbling he finally says "OK ... got it. Madam ... you are exactly 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says "That's incredible ... how could you tell ?"   

The old guy says "I was standing behind you in the line at McDonalds."

[urleft]

A definition of globalization that even I can understand and to which I now can relate:
Question : ?What is the truest definition of Globalization ??

Answer : Princess Diana?s death.



Where the world witnessed an English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crash in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian chauffer who was drunk on Russian vodka, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles. Attempts to save her life were performed by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates? computer technology. You?re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and trucked to you by Mexicans who are in the US illegally because the current president, possibly born in Kenya and educated as a Muslim in Indonesia refuses to enforce US law.

That, my friends, is Globalization !

[TBWG]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[TBWG]

Aldi a big Supermarket

 
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says
to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell.
I guess I'd better see a doctor."
                 
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell
you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.
A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new tech-
-nology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could
be fooled. 

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his  dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample from himself for good measure. 

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
    Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.
    Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
    Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.
    Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself,
    your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

--

[TBWG]

  A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
 
  She protested,"But we don't know anything about each other."
 
  He replied,"That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
 
  So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
 
  One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,climbed up to the
10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the
water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
 
  This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again
straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
 
  She said, "That was incredible!"
 
  He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more
  about each other as we went along."
 
  So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast 
  that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was
  already touching the other end. She did laps in freestyle breast-stroke, even butterfly!
 
  After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel,
    barely breathing heavily.
 
  He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
 
  No, she said, "I was a hooker in Halifax and I worked both sides of the harbour!"
 

[CO-CO]

SEX IN THE SHOWER


In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!



In the survey, 86% of Liverpool's residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.






The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.