Ring any bells?

[rufusredtail]

Race tips from Australia
A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he met up
with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.
They got on famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the
races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was
riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he
placed $100 at 5-1.
It won by two lengths..
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.
He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her
crotch.
He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races
2 and 4.
'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?,
'Shit', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was
scratched!'

[TBWG]

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at "Hooter's"
to see some friends and have some hot wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me
which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them, "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

[rufusredtail]

A  police officer pulls over a speeding car.
 
The  officer says, ' I  clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The  driver says, 'Christ,  officer I had it on cruise control at 60,  perhaps your radar gun needs  calibrating.'

Not  looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be  silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have  cruise control.'

As  the officer writes out the ticket, the driver  looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you  please keep your mouth shut for  once?'

The wife smiles demurely and  says, ! 'You should  be thankful your radar detector went off when it  did.'

As  the officer makes out the second ticket for the  illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at  his wife and says through clenched teeth,  'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth  shut?'

The  officer frowns and says, 'And I  notice that you're not wearing your seat belt,  sir. That's an automatic 75 pound  fine.'

The  driver says, 'Yeah,  well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it  off when you pulled me over so that I could get  my license out of my back  pocket.'

The  wife says, 'Now,  dear, you know very well that you didn't have  your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt  when you're driving.'

And  as the police officer is writing out the third  ticket the driver turns to his wife and  barks, 'WHY DON'T  You shut the f..k up??'

The  officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your  husband always talk to you this way,  Ma'am?'






I  love this part.... :


'Only  when he's pissed.'
 
 
 
 

[rufusredtail]

Subject:  Climbing Rose
Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue......

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

 
She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..

 
"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."

 

[TBWG]

The Lutheran Bra


 
A Lutheran man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City.

He tells the sales lady, "I would like a Lutheran bra for my wife, size-34B."

With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, "What kind of bra?"

He repeats, "A Lutheran bra”.

Bra

My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Lutheran bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Oh, yes, now I understand," says the sales lady.

"We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.

Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused and a little flustered, the man asks, "So, what are the differences?"

The sales lady responds. "It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses,
the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He muses on that information for a minute and says, "Hmm.

I know  I'll regret asking but what does the Lutheran bra do?"

"Ah," she replied, "the Lutheran bra makes mountains out of molehills!!!"

[TBWG]

THE HEART ATTACK


A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises

coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the

bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab

the phone, but just as she's dialling,
her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty

Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and

she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back

upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is

her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack,

and you're running around naked,

playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[TBWG]

                  Air Show Disaster - AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS
 
 

This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.

Amazing photo below shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

No one was killed, but it probably scared the shit out of them.


 

[TBWG]

USMC Military Humor Joke Navy

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Navy Base.
A ragged old Marine Gunnery Sgt. was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.
A curious young Navy fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old guy simply said.
'Poor old fool,' the Navy officer thought and he invited the ragged old Marine into the pub for a drink.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the smart-ass fighter pilot asked, "And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old Marine Gunny answered.
 

[TBWG]

 
 

 
                                                         
                                                                       
   A    successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted  wife.She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch  hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job  One was gay and the other a drunk.
 
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the  gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house  than the drunk.
 
He proved to be a hard worker who put  in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
 
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to  the hired hand, "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great.  You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
 
Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
 
She quietly called him over to him.

"Unbutton my blouse and  take it off," she said.Trembling, he did as she directed  "Now take off my
boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.  "Now take off my socks"He  removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
 
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire  light.
 
"Now take off my bra."  Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're  fired."

 
(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)             

[Somnat]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

[smoooth2]

Three Aussie mates were working on a high rise building project.

Johnno slips and falls 20 storeys to his grisley death.

His two mates decide they should tell his missus.

Curly pipes up and says "I'll do it .... I'm a sensitive, caring type of guy."

Couple of hours later Curly returns to the building site with a cold slab of VB on his shoulder.

"Where'd you get that ? ... did you tell Johnno's missus that he's dead ?"

"Well ... sort of " says Curly.

"I finally found her joint, knocked on the door and said "are you Johnno's widow? "

"She said "no"

"I said "wanna bet? "

[smoooth2]

Gorgeous, newly married young woman lying in a coma in hospital.

As a nurse gently sponge bathes the womans' private bits, a tiny flicker of eyelids and fingertips is noticed.

Overjoyed, the nurse tells the waiting husband of this positive development.

The nurse suggests that perhaps if the husband had sensual oral sex with his comatosed wife, it may just snap her out

"We'll pull the curtains for a bit of privacy " says the nurse

Excited hubby agrees, and disappears behind the curtain.

30 minutes later the nurses are horrified to hear the unmistakable noise of the heart rate monitor flatlining.

Tearing open the curtains, they are shocked to see that the woman is stone dead, her naked husband standing over her.

"What happened ?" demanded the nurse

"Ahhhh ... dunno ... I guess she choked to death." says hubby

[TBWG]

 
Subject: FW: Postage Stamps
 
 
 
 

Sorry about this (not really).

 

 



 

 

 

A woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

 

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Tully in North Queensland, in my vagina."

 

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas."

 

[TBWG]

       Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
 
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

 
'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident
Embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
 
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I ‎walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.' Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ...

 
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

 
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

 
'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'

 
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. And sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."
 

[urleft]

       Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
 
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

 
'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident
Embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
 
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I ‎walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.' Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ...

 
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

 
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

 
'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'

 
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. And sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."
 

Good thing it was not a sheep.