Ring any bells?

[urleft]

*Short MED School Exam*
 
When students took the Entrance Exam for Medical School, they were perplexed by this question:
 
“Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect.”
 
Those who spelled *SPINE* became doctors.
 
The rest are in Congress.

[CO-CO]

Thinkin 'til the End!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,

'I've got some bad news.

You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,

'Putting Your Affairs In Order .'

[TBWG]

 A  RETIREE'S  LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
 

 
 
Yesterday  I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
 
for my  loyal pet, Babe the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I
 
was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I  had a
 
dog.  What did she think I had, an elephant?
 

So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her
 
that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.  I
 
added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital
 
last time, but that I'd lost 50  pounds before I awakened in an
 
intensive care ward with  tubes coming out of most of my orifices,
 
and IVs in both arms.
 

I  told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
 
it works is to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and
 
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
 
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
 
again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was
 
now enthralled with my story.)
 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the
 
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire
 
Hydrant and a car hit me.
 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
 
was laughing so hard.
 

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
 

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
 
the World to think of crazy things to say.

[TBWG]

Trying to Understand Women!

1. A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!"









2. I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!! Women, I just can't figure them out!.










3. A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."










4. Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We are making you a little brother." The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"










5. "I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister in law."










6. Dear Dr. Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert or what?

[Admin]

Excellent jokes tbwg! :-)

[TBWG]

ADVICE FROM
LUIGI, A RETIRED HUSBAND

Â

It is
important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder
for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.

Â

My name is
Luigi. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get
a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and
for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working,
I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the
golf club about the same time she gets home from
work.

Â

Although
she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half
an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I
tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the
table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating
out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that
door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now
it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner.

Â

I do what I
can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they
won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.

Â

Another
symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that
it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even
three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you
know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
points.

Â

When doing
simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to
take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to
make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold
glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long
as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me,
too.

Â

I know that
I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not
saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just
use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of
this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After
all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Â

EDITOR'S
NOTE:

 

Luigi died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The
police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of
grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was
arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes
to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Luigi, somehow without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[TBWG]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women.And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir ...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are"!

[TBWG]

Exotic Travel
 

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
 
It didn't start well when the train we where travelling on broke down a few miles North of the capital.
 
We were stranded in a third world hell hole! Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us, the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress, as all other women were head to toe in black burqas.
 
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
 
Just then, Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and then on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey to Afghanistan.

[urleft]

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,   “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,   “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,  “Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

“Look Dad” “You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!”




98% of all Harleys sold are still on the road.

The other 2% actually made it home from the dealer

[urleft]

Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan

Say you’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (Part G), and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians.

This means, of course, that you’ll be sent to prison where you’ll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?

They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a home. And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you’re at it. And now, because you’re a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?

[TBWG]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
 
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
 
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
 
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
 
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
 
And then she went back to reading her book.
 

[urleft]

email:


I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct. The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your bottom in the winter and directed cool air to your bottom in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...damn guy had no sense of humor

[hotnutts]

email:


I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct. The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your bottom in the winter and directed cool air to your bottom in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...damn guy had no sense of humor

    

[TBWG]

.

[mahdam]

.

Brings back fond memories.
Those where the days!!!