Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

I think this was meant for you and was sent to me by mistake. Don't know why anyone would send this to me.   HOPE IT HELPS!
 

[TBWG]

Thought for the day...





" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."

[TBWG]

A man walked into a Washington, D.C. Catholic Church confessional.

He tells the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned.  Last night, I killed a congressman."

The priest responds, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not discuss your community service work."

[TBWG]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
 
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. 
 
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." 

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
 
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
 
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good
news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share."
 
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five
crabs in it.

"Gee-whizz thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I
get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again."
 
 
 

[urleft]

 She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
 




Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sauteed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine.   Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".
 
 
 
 

[urleft]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
 
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
 
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
 
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
 
Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
 
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
 
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
 
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’
 
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’
 
She answered:
 
“THE TEETH.”

[TBWG]

 
Inner Peace
 
If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


 
Then You Are Probably
 
The Family Dog!


 


And you thought I was going to get all spiritual...
 
 Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
 
If you can't eat it or play with it,
 
Pee on it and walk away!
 
 

[urleft]

Did you ever have “one of those days”?
 
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”
 
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
 
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”
 
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”
 
“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
 
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
 
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”
 
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
 
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
 
And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

[TBWG]

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?
 
QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you - nothing new there then) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.  What do you do ?
 
ANSWER:
 
British  Police Officer:
 
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
 
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
 
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
 
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
 
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
 
5) Am I dressed provocatively ?
 
6) Could I run away ?
 
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?
 
Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?
 
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?
 
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?
 
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?
 
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ? 
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility   and the loss of my family home ?
 
Canadian Police Officer:
 
BANG !
 
American Police Officer:
 
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
 
'Click'...Reload...
 
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
 
Glasgow Police Officer:
 
 
"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"
 
 

[urleft]

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. “My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
 
“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee.”
 
“I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled,”volunteered a third.
 
“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you! said a fourth.
 
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
 
“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!” exclaimed another.
 
“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said an elderly gent.
 
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
 
“Well, count your blessings,” said one woman cheerfully, “thankfully, we can all still drive.”

[TBWG]

Just my luck !
Beware of The Older Woman THE OLDER WOMAN
I ended up
with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that
she Probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd
ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mum, you still awake?' ..
 

[urleft]

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.
 
 
 
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction!
 
 
 
What a nice bloke!

[urleft]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

 The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by: Pissing and moaning.

[urleft]

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington,DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
 
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
 
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
 
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
 
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
 
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’
 
The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican”
 
The journalist leaves.
 
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
 
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
 
...and THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days...

[TBWG]

John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a
 major car crash.


 When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:


 "I've got good news and bad news.....the bad news is you have had 2
 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"


 John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"





 "Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"