Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

http://safeshare.tv/w/KkkEFRtyiS

[TBWG]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes,  the little boy said loudly,

"Wow, She's fat!”

The  mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be  quiet.

A couple more minutes passed by and the  little boy stretched his arms out as far as
they would go  and announced;  "I'll bet her bum is this  wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at  the little boy.

The mother gave him a good  telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a  brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep,  beep"

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g  life, she's reversing!!"

 
 
 

[urleft]

Some guy was talking about his stop at the single’s bar known for three-ways with a mother-daughter thing. The guy is eye-balling a good looking gal in her fifties. Thinks to himself “Man - I bet her daughter is GORGEOUS!”.


 The gal sees him, and comes over and says “I bet you're one of those guys that likes that mother-daughter stuff. You interested?”

 “Oh boy - I sure am!”
 .
 .
 .
 .
 “HEY MA!! I GOT A LIVE ONE OVER HERE!”

[dimple joe]

Nicked from an e-mail today :-

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
 
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators... YEP!!!
 
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[TBWG]

.

[TBWG]

JOHNS HOPKINS WEIGHT STUDY
 
 
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins. 
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
 
                     

[Somnat]

Very Accurate!
 
Math Trick

I love math tricks and this one really works and will only take you about ten seconds!!!
Amazing it really works to reveal my all-time favorite movie.
 
I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator
Just to confirm my numerical capabilities.
 
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite movie EVER!
DO NOT cheat.  DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom.
You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is...
 
1    Pick a number from 1-9.
2    Multiply that number by 3.
3    Add 3.
4    Multiply by 3 again.
5    Your total will be a two digit number.  Add the first and second digits together to find your
      Favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:
 
Movie List:
1.       Gone With the Wind
2.       E.T.
3.       Blazing Saddles
4.       Star Wars
5.       Forrest Gump
6.       The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7.       Jaws
8.       Grease
9.       The Obama Farewell Speech
10.     Casablanca
11.     Jurassic Park
12.     Shrek
13.     Pirates of the Caribbean
14.     Titanic
15.     Raiders of the Lost Ark
16.     Home Alone
17.     Mrs. Doubtfire
 
Amazing!

[urleft]

Who said Nursing Homes were boring?
 
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
 
The old man looked over and said to the old lady,Mrs Pretzel
 “I know just what you’re wanting. For $5 I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.”
 
She looked surprised but didn’t say a word.
 
The old man continued, “For $10 I’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I’ll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you’ve ever had in your life.”
 
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse.
 
She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
 “So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,” says the old man.
 
“Get serious,” she replies. “Four times in the rocking chair!!!!.”

[urleft]

During a long day of looking around a car show, me, and a couple of my friends stopped in at “Hooter’s” for some Hot Wings and a few beers.
 
After sitting there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
 
I told them “The one who knows how to fix elevators. I’m old, tired, and pee a lot.”
 
My older pals will understand this.

[TBWG]

A little Catholic sense of humor! I couldn't resist passing this on.



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
 
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

  'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that.  But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get ?'
'Four months holiday and five good leads...'

[Somnat]

A couple for the soap dodgers ........



Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

.................................................................................

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

.................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.................................................................................



Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[urleft]

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "I have a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I head home!

[urleft]

An old man was sipping on a glass on whiskey, while sitting on the patio with his wife, and he says: “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you” ...

His wife asks: “Is that you, or the whisky talking?”.....

He replies: “It’s me .... talking to the whiskey.”

[Somnat]

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”


A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!



Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

[TBWG]

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?"

Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks".

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.

"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."