Ring any bells?

[urleft]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good - she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’

Don’t ever underestimate old guys.

[urleft]

No one believes seniors . . .  everyone thinks they are senile.
 
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved “I love you, Sally”.
 
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
 
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
 
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
 
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
 
Sally said, "No."
 
Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
 
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
 
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. 
 
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
 
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
 
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

[urleft]

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy."When can you start?"


I LOVE TEXAS

[urleft]

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town's grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

 The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

 Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

 "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

 So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

 Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

 Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

[urleft]

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

 Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

 When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

 He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

 Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

 And the cream of the wretched crop................

 Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

[urleft]

There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.

 One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

 "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

 "You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"

 "No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.

 About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.

"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

 After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

 The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!!"

 "Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.  "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

[TBWG]

 
 
 
 



 

Subject:  Islamic Romance
 
 
A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
 
"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.
 
Yeah," he replied, "But be fair, you were only eleven!

[urleft]

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
 and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
 groceries.
 
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
 with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
 the back of her head.
 
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
 Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her
 if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back
 of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
 
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
 the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
 head.
 
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
 dough on the back of her head.
 
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
 loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
 in the back of her head.
 
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
 and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
 recovered.
 
Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
 could all be a coincidence.
 
The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
 was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[TBWG]

50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
 
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
 
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
 
"Well, I've been here since last night..
 
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
 
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
 
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
 
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
 
So, Here I am!
 
 

[TBWG]

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"



Little Johnny says:

"I wanna hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth".




The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ....




"And how about you, Sarah?"




 "I wanna be Johnny's whore. "

[smoooth2]

 

Nice one TBWG ... I once knew a Sarah

[urleft]

PSYCHOPATH TEST
 
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
 This is not a trick question.
 It is as it reads.
 No one I know has gotten it right, Few people do.
 
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know.
 She thought this guy was amazing.
 She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
 A few days later she killed her sister.
 
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
 Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below
 




Answer:
 
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
 If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
 This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer.
 Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
 If you didn’t answer the question correctly, good for you.
 If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take your crazy ass off my e-mail list!

[urleft]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist.

Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter.

Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

 "Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

[urleft]

She has now had 4 Husbands……
 
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.
 
“He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
 
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now - in her 80’s - a funeral director.
 
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
 
(Wait for it) - - -She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.” (Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)

[urleft]

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
 
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take
 care of this one.
 
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.
 
Symptoms:
 
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
 Done that!
 
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
 
That too!
 
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
 
Yep!
 
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
 
Aha!
 
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
 
Well darn!
 
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished.
 
Oh, no not again!
 
7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.”
 
And I just hate that!
 
8. Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.”
 
Oh No!
 
IT IS CALLED THE “C-NILE VIRUS.”
 
Did I already post this? Or did you already? I forget