Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

 Old Timers Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence... The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence
 
 
 
 

[TBWG]

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said yes but what would I get in return?
She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought…That’s fair….Tit for Tat.
 
 
I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body. Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday, but strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
 
 
I woke up this morning at 8 o'clock and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do………
Then I remembered, Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
 
 
Man shagging 30 stone woman.
He says, “Can we have the light switched off?"
She said, “Why? Do you find me repulsive?”
He said, “ No….it’s burning my arse.”
 
 
 
Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, and it says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it up.
 
 
 
Girl - "Can I drive?"
Man - "No. I'm fine."
Girl - "Oh, please let me. I really want to!"
Man - "No!"
Girl - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, I'll give you a blowjob."
Man - "Really?"
Girl - "Promise."
Man - "Oh go on then ... "
"And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Costa Concordia."
 
 
Did you hear about the fat transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
 
 
Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"WHAT?” says Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
 
 
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid ......... then I was petrified.
 
 
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
 
 
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
 
 
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping centre, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
 
 
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
 
 
A pal of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache."
 
 
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
She replied, "No, it's normal porn, you sick bastard."
 
 
The Red Cross knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
 
 
A Mexican just started his own business in Afghanistan. He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says: 'Prophets are going through the roof
 
 
 

[Somnat]

Thanks TBWG ....

Haven't had a laugh for a few days

Now I am ROTFLMAO

 

 

 

[TBWG]

Pleased you Like ~~~ this thread now has over 100,000 views so somebody appreciates it 

[Adam]

It's MEEEEEEE!!!

Some crackers in the last lot, thanks very much....

[urleft]

Just got off the phone with a cousin who lives in Scotland.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunkard in.

[raydee]

Q-What are the first symtoms of aids?
A-a pounding sensation in the ass.

Q-What is red and bad for your teeth?
A-a brick.

- only good thing i can say about a pedophile is they drive slow through school zones.

Q-whats the smartest thing to come out of a womans mouth?
A-Einstein's dick.

Q-why did god give mexicans nose's?
A-so they would have something to pick in the off season

Didn't know what to get my 10 year old scouse nephew for his birthday, so i put 20 quid in his nan's purse.

[TBWG]

Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
 

[TBWG]

An English tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man on
the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few miles further on he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and
went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy
sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The English tourist turned to the barman and said: "What sort of country is
this ?  A few miles down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo
and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone."

The barman said, " You heartless bastard, he's only got one leg, how do you
expect him to catch a Kangaroo ? "

[TBWG]

     Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

[raydee]

-recent studies show that there have been some studies recently.

-anyone who say's the book was better than the movie never had a blowjob in the cinema.

-you know you live in a shit society when pizza gets to your door faster than the police.

- it is better to have loved and lost,than to have had to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.

-if watermelons are full of water,what are kumquats full of ?

[TBWG]

The National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
 
               The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a
bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.
 
               The curator of the gallery realized that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
 
               He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted
the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe
that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
 
               After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and
said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
 
               'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the
curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
 
               'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he
replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're
just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
 

[TBWG]

 The warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Australian bush poetry can bring a tear to the eye.
We are blessed in Australia to have such an abundant wealth of talented story tellers through whom future generations can learn of our history and 21st century lifestyle.
Here is a classic example:

A Poem About Tomatoes:

I know a Muslim whose name is Asim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these fuckers do, because they're still in the tin
 
 

[TBWG]

A brave soul

 
 
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

 

[urleft]

A brave soul

 
 
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

Reminds of being asked:

"You have any naked pictures of your wife?"

When the reply is "No",

respond, "Want some?"